To be upset DS is going to double barrel his surname when he gets married?

[MsArgent]

DS is due to marry his girlfriend soon and they have recently announced they’re going to double barrel. I am not against double barrelled surnames and I do of course understand that it’s 2025 and more of a modern concept to keep it “fair”. However it’s truly just too long. Her surname is really quite long, along the lines of Williamson and we have a 2 syllable 8 letter one! I have asked him what he wants and he said originally he didn’t consider it and did think it would just be his surname, until she spoke up about what she wanted and he was open to it and said yes. I asked if he responded to it at all and questioned the practicality and he just says no he didn’t because it’s not a big deal. I think he is completely undermining how much of a burden having to keep repeating and spelling the double barrelled names will be, especially as they are hoping for children one day. I get it’s his life but what is the general opinion on this? I am curious if he would change his mind when realising what people will actually be thinking behind his back. Grandparents are horrified but I have tried to explain it’s more usual nowadays and DH doesn’t like it at all but hasn’t said anything yet

This is the only possible compromise. If you can understand your DS wouldn’t want to lose his name, surely you understand that his fiancé feels the same? Either one loses a name or neither do. There are no other options. I’m also amazed anyone is reacting negatively. It’s totally normal. Where do you live?

Yes, it's quite conceivable that some of OPs friends think she's being stupid. You get a better sense of what people actually think when they can respond anonymously.

It's absolutely none of your business. This is one of those things there's no need for you to be involved in discussing at all.

This always comes up on double barrelled name threads and every time I ask... Have you ever heard of Spain? Or countries in South America? Or any of the number of countries in the world who blend names? FFS dont be so closed minded.

I have a double barrelled name that "doesn't go" (one Spanish and one Scottish parent) so my surname is something like Mackenzie Garcia. DH is Scottish. Our kids have my Spanish surname and his Scottish name - for example Garcia Munro.
Everyone manages fine. Sometimes people ask about the origins of the name. I sincerely hope my in-laws haven't been losing sleep at the horror of a slightly unusual surname for their grandchildren 🙄

Why?

Here’s an idea: when a couple get married, they both change their surname to something completely different. This will then avoid the whole pathetic patriarchal/matriarchal debate, and we can end up with surnames as silly as some of the first names and middle names that people choose.

It’s literally nothing to do with you. God how insufferable can you be that you’ve written a whole post about this? It’s obvious you have an issue with him changing his at all. It clearly isn’t about the length of the new name. You just don’t want him to change it at all, yet it’s okay to expect her to do it?!

Pain for who ? I’m really confused why you’re so concerned? Do you need to address him or future grandchildren by their full names at all time ?

You can always go with a shorter version.

I think it's lovely. My husband wouldn't consider this - so I kept my own name.

Why on Earth are the grandparents appalled? What is so special about your name? If he was a daughter would they oppose to her changing her name.

If you want a good relationship with your dil drop this immediately

Angel-Delight Williamson and Brooklyn Farquharson could marry and both change their surnames, so as to become Angel-Delight and Brooklyn Scrumdiddlyumptious. Liberate the surname from the tryanny of tradition.

It doesn't sound like double barrelling his name is something he is 'sacrificing' it's something YOU care about not him!

because you still have all the admin hassle (especially if you do any work related travel) and whilst you believe you’ve done some “feminism”, you’ve actually just followed the patriarchy, which is the bit your kids see. And still nothing has changed for the husband.

Haha, how amazing to have had such a sheltered life to be horrified by double barreling. Have the grandparents never had anything to actually worry about? Lucky things!

hahaha that was exactly what I was going to post :)

Look again!! I was calling H112 unpleasant.

Why can you see that it would be hard for him to give up his surname, but not that it would be equally hard for her?

Exactly. I also think it’s sometimes thinly veiled racism/xenophobia, how dare someone have a name that might possibly be hard for a British/Irish person to pronounce. Or they lead such a sheltered existence they only speak to their immediate neighbours.

What an interfering MIL. It sounds more like you don’t like that your DIL won’t just quietly take your family name.

My in laws also refuse to acknowledge my husband and I double barrelled our surnames. Just one way their controlling behaviour manifests itself.

Never mind, we don’t talk to them any more 🙃

Genuinely - how often do you need to tell anyone your last name?

I can’t remember the last time I had to give mine to anyone. Filling in forms is usually on a device now, mostly using autofill.

Occasionally I need to tell someone so they can look me up on their system, which will also have autofill when they start typing it in.

Would you have the same issue if one of the names was foreign? Irish? That would be as ‘difficult’ to spell out as a long English names.

Think of it as a bonus for the kids - more practice writing than all those poor Tom Browns and Jane Smiths with their silly short names.

I thinks it’s lovely that they want to signify the joining of their families this way and that he is being progressive (ie not endorsing centuries of patriarchal oppression by imposing his name). Their children with have a direct and visible line in their surnames to their heritable roots on both sides. One day we may also get to dump the Miss/Mrs labels and just use ‘Ms’ and ‘Mr’ - so that women are no longer labelled in terms of whether they belong to a man but simply signified as biological women, independent/equal in their own right.

The thread lacking an ESTA is due to a name change as you describe, everyone’s at it. I kept my name, but regret not adding it to my kids names. I think it’s a great solution.

I don’t think him just taking her surname is fair and nor do I think DS would want to completely lose his.

But her just taking his surname would have been acceptable to you? And the horrified grandparents? And to your DS, until she 'spoke up'? How would that have been fair?

So what do you think is the answer? Hmmm? Really - what would you suggest?

He’s a grown man and you’re being ridiculous. It’s his name and it’s none of your bloody business how long it is or what his future kids think about it. His grandparents are ‘horrified’? Well, so bloody what? It’s got nothing to do with them, either.

Your adult son is not a possession. Stop infantilising him.

He could take on her surname only.

Just a thought.