To be upset DS is going to double barrel his surname when he gets married?

[MsArgent]

DS is due to marry his girlfriend soon and they have recently announced they’re going to double barrel. I am not against double barrelled surnames and I do of course understand that it’s 2025 and more of a modern concept to keep it “fair”. However it’s truly just too long. Her surname is really quite long, along the lines of Williamson and we have a 2 syllable 8 letter one! I have asked him what he wants and he said originally he didn’t consider it and did think it would just be his surname, until she spoke up about what she wanted and he was open to it and said yes. I asked if he responded to it at all and questioned the practicality and he just says no he didn’t because it’s not a big deal. I think he is completely undermining how much of a burden having to keep repeating and spelling the double barrelled names will be, especially as they are hoping for children one day. I get it’s his life but what is the general opinion on this? I am curious if he would change his mind when realising what people will actually be thinking behind his back. Grandparents are horrified but I have tried to explain it’s more usual nowadays and DH doesn’t like it at all but hasn’t said anything yet

Tell me you’re a 1950s stepford wife without telling me you’re a 1950s stepford wife …., 😂

Wait until the children with their double-barrelled surnames marry children with double-barrelled surnames. 🤣

Are they both planning on changing their passports, driving licences, names on all bills, bank account details, and their work surnames? If not, it’s all just a fantasy, anyway, and they’ll just end up picking and choosing what they fancy calling themselves and their children, even to the extent that if the relationship breaks up, they take it into their children’s schools and try to argue with the school over the surname used there.

My brother and SIL did this, I think it’s a nice tradition actually.
Also nothing whatsoever to do with you

I married last year and double barrelled it too but to save faff I just used the shorter of the two names for most things.

I know someone who triple barrelled and 2/3 of the names are difficult to spell.

So it's something like (for example) Prescott-Williamson, or Williamson-Reynolds? My surname is the same number of syllables, and presents no issues for everyday. If the other name is something less familiar or difficult to pronounce it may be more challenging, but then that single name alone would also be. As both partners are comfortable with the proposed combo, it should be a non-issue.

The biggest risk is that their child becomes a pro-footballer. It’s very expensive to get that many letters on a shirt back.

Yeah, pro women on here, unless you make grammatical errors, then you feel the wrath of women 😂

'the majority do accept their names get given up'
'traditional way'
'fair to say it's slightly different for her to give [her name] up vs DS'

⬆⬆Say you're a misogynist while actively pretending you're not. ⬆⬆

Well done to your son for understanding his future wife's perspective and treating her as an equal rather than as a lesser, in spite of his parents and grandparents.

I'm more concerned with out how children are raised and treated by their parents, frankly. Not what their surname is.

And ftr, my DH and I both kept our own surnames and double-barrelled our children's surnames as we (a) both liked our own names, (b) felt our names were part of our identity, and (c) didn't want to go through the hassle/expense of changing documents and explaining said changes forevermore. Makes it easier for travelling internationally to have both names on their passports, etc. However, we have made it clear to all of them that when they turned 18, they can do what they like with their names: keep them, dump one or the other or both! We don't care and won't take it personally.

My husband and his sister were given their mother’s surname in the 1970s. Feminism has been around a long time.

His sister’s children have her surname, our children, one has mine and one has his. ‘The traditional way’ is only traditional in the odd backwater. My in laws are in their mid 70s now and it never occurred to them that kids took their father’s surname.

To the poster worried about being a MIL, you just need to not be as nuts as this. It’s really not hard to avoid being a mental MIL.

OP, please:
Stop gossiping / 'mentioning' this to people around you. It is not their business and it will get back to them.

Reflect upon how you have brought up a Ds in this day and age to assume, in the first place that she would just take his name.

Use this thread to reflect on ways that you could, unwittingly, become MIL from hell.

If I was your DIL2B I would be furious.

And if you keep carting on about the number of letters don't be surprised if they then decide just to both keep their own names...in which case DIL will probably want her children to have her name.

And once the Stupidity Bingo starts (its on every hyphenated name thread) about 'what if the grandchildren end up with 4 surnames' here is your answer: "I am sure the grandchildren will make their own thought out decision when / if they marry - just as DS and DIL have. Not many people end up with 4 or 8 surnames"

It won't be your name or the grandparents name so not your business.

Double barrelled names are cumbersome so it wouldn’t be my choice. Maybe suggest he tries her surname for a bit and see if he likes it?

Both our adult DS’s have taken their mum’s name when they became adults (she sadly died when they were young) and their children have been given their wife’s surnames. I think it’s rather sweet that they’re honouring the women in their lives.

DH has a great relationship with both of them and isn’t remotely bothered about the name changes although he does have a younger third son, so maybe he’d be a bit miffed if he also changed his surname too, although I doubt it. 😂

and yet another
OP AIBU?
MN YES
OP NO I'M NOT

Why do you think him taking her surname isn't fair but you think it's more than fair if she takes just his surname?

OP does not find that idea acceptable. Quelle surprise!

"I am curious if he would change his mind when realising what people will actually be thinking behind his back."

FFS.

Actually thinking? How out of touch and judgmental can you be?

And to be fair, OP, for all your disingenuous back-pedalling about 'just wondering', you did use the word 'UPSET' in your thread title.

MN will hate me but mine don't have double-barrelled names and DP and I aren't married (together 18 years and have a house and 3 DC) So I have a different surname to my 3 children.

Was never as issue for me, was totally my decision and MIL didn't even realise they had DP's surname until DC2 was born. She just assumed they would have my name.

My only issue with double-barrelled names is where does it end? If Crunchymum Jones-Smith marries Crunchydad Allen-Donaldson then do our children have 4 surnames? The decision as to which names get used then surely becomes more of an issue as there are more to consider?

That's a problem of bureaucracy, not of law or custom however. You had the right in law to do what you did, Spanish bureaucrats aside. I have had arguments with people who have automatically changed my name to my husband's on paperwork and others who have tried to say I must have a previous surname if I use Ms because Ms is for divorced women only and all divorced women have a previous surname...ignorant bureaucrats are a universal problem.

Yes. Of course. My cousin has been stuck in a branch of Barclays for 3 years applying for a mortgage with her 1024 surnames.

Can't actually remember the last time i introduced myself using my surname anyway unless it's the bank or something
And I've certainly never given any thought to what others do with their name.

I sense here that your issue isn’t really about the practicalities of this for him, and his “burden” of spelling and repeating a long name. How does that affect you in any way whatsoever? It’s his choice.
I think you just don’t like that he’s taking his fiancés name too. You’d rather he just kept his surname as it is. So yes, YABU.

Why hate you? Do what you choose to do.

But don't presume or make assumptions about what other people feel or choose - their is no 'surely' about it.

(I have checked with my Dc - one of whom dealt with name choices by going into therapy for 3 years in preparation for marriage, one of whom has 72 surnames because they couldn't decide, and one of whom made their own rational decision as to what suited them best, just like their parents did, and because they had such parents no one put any pressure or expectations on them to create angst)

@Crunchymum I would just advise you to get an agreement about splitting up finances! Not married and three dc is a danger zone. The name doesn’t matter!