To be upset DS is going to double barrel his surname when he gets married?

[MsArgent]

DS is due to marry his girlfriend soon and they have recently announced they’re going to double barrel. I am not against double barrelled surnames and I do of course understand that it’s 2025 and more of a modern concept to keep it “fair”. However it’s truly just too long. Her surname is really quite long, along the lines of Williamson and we have a 2 syllable 8 letter one! I have asked him what he wants and he said originally he didn’t consider it and did think it would just be his surname, until she spoke up about what she wanted and he was open to it and said yes. I asked if he responded to it at all and questioned the practicality and he just says no he didn’t because it’s not a big deal. I think he is completely undermining how much of a burden having to keep repeating and spelling the double barrelled names will be, especially as they are hoping for children one day. I get it’s his life but what is the general opinion on this? I am curious if he would change his mind when realising what people will actually be thinking behind his back. Grandparents are horrified but I have tried to explain it’s more usual nowadays and DH doesn’t like it at all but hasn’t said anything yet

DH doesn’t like it at all but hasn’t said anything yet

Well keep it that way. It's none of his business.

Presumably both your son and his fiancé can both count syllables and letters too, and already know how long their names will be.

Why is this your problem, issue, concern, worry, upset, business?

They care that they’re happy, healthy, comfortably off financially. They don’t lie awake panicking that it might take them five seconds longer to type out an application form, or that a restaurant manager might mishear when they book a table.

How refreshing it is to hear about a couple able to have a conversation about the surname that would work for both of them and their future children. Plenty of people have to spell their names for strangers; it's just the way the world works. It would (possibly) be a mild annoyance rather than anything more.

In my grandparents generation and before that, if the woman was from a better family than her partner, he would take her family name when they married. It was about status rather than sex.

The father’s.

Not double barrelled, took DHs surname because that's what felt right for us. However, off the top of my head, had we double barrelled the options for DD would be:

1. Keep her own name.
2. Take her future partners name.
3. Future partner take her name.
4. Triple or quadruple barrel, should they want to.
5. Take one of the double barrels to add to one of future partners double barrels (neither of us would care, she could choose what flows better).
6. Merge names to create an entirely new one.
7. Change her name by deed poll to something completely different to ours or her future partners.
8. Drop one of them for "ease".

So there's a few options for children to choose from and they'll choose what works best for them and their future circumstances. And there'll be paperwork so genealogy will live on as it has so far.

I don't think it needs to be as complicated as some people (you) make it.

Perhaps have a word with Katarina Johnson-Thompson and see whether she has any issues you need to warn your son about.

Indeed. But people do get extremely strange when it comes to women not taking husband's surname and giving that only to the kids.

My DH is Spanish and he gave our children his mother's surname and it has been a nightmare to get her registered and passport etc. They have constantly raised issues about their spanish surname not being from his dad and we have had to do a lot to get their names registered correctly.

His surname will likely be irrelevant as he is not a Spanish citizen as mine was.

I don’t think he should give up on everything he cares about

Maybe he does not care what surname he uses. The person who cares about it is you, and given that there is absolutely nothing you can do about it, the best strategy would be to adjust your expectations. Did you change your surname on marriage? Did it ruin your life?

Exactly!

OP, you could also simply suggest that he take her name. That would solve your concerns, wouldn’t it? It presumably wouldn’t be too long, too complicated or impractical…

Why the fathers and not the mothers or both?

It’s not a safety issue is it? It’s not abusive? It’s not discrimination so I don’t understand what the ‘concern’ is.

You’re being absolutely ridiculous. It’s entirely up to them and nobody else’s business.

This is about your husband being butthurt really, isn’t it? And the silly grandparents stirring things up further.

It’s not really about the name. It’s about your daughter in law having an opinion and your son taking it seriously (you’ve obviously raised a good and respectful kid).

Be careful here OP. You don’t want to find yourselves relegated to duty visits at Christmas and birthdays in future because you’ve cheesed them off over something trivial. I’m glad you posted this and I genuinely hope that this thread has been useful.

As I have said to another poster my DH is Spanish. We have had huge issues registering child's name as it should have been his fathers surname. They were not contesting the order of the surnames they were insistent that legally childs surname in Spain was my surname + his fathers surname.

He is a Spanish citizen, and was when the children were born, just doesn’t have a Spanish surname as he isn’t ethnically Spanish.

The tradition of double-barrelled names is associated with the aristocracy. I assume that you only think it is chavvy when non-aristocrats do it.

Just the father’s. I’m secure enough in myself not to need to give my children my maiden name I prefer tradition. It’s a ridiculous thing to do. I can’t stand obviously recently made up double barrelled names. Smacks of insecurity and pretentiousness.

Why?

Yes chavvy is a good description. I’d rather not stick an obvious chav sign above my children’s heads 😂

This is good advice. You and the various butthurt family members will need to manage this one carefully OP, same when any babies come along and aren't given DS's surname only. You've done well to raise such an open minded son, you don't want to lose the benefit of that in adulthood!

Nobody has to trace their ancestry, and why would anybody bother if it's 'a torment' (rather than a pastime for people with too much time on their hands and an insecure sense of self)?

Is your husband secure enough in himself not to give his children his surname? If not, why not?

Tradition is different things for different families. We honour both families in the surname our DT’s have. There is a lot of history from the different countries we come from in those names. They are proud of the family names in a double barrelled format. Their cousins on both sides of the family also have double barrelled from both their family names.