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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

He ended the engagement, is now pressuring me to have a baby

398 replies

SummerDaisyChain · 05/04/2025 15:06

Me and my partner had been engaged for six months at the time we moved into our first home. Two weeks after moving in he told me that we can't get married any more.

He had received free legal advice and was told that a prenuptial agreement is not legally binding, which means I could still divorce him and get half anyway, even if I signed the prenup. Which I had always agreed to sign from the beginning. He said it's a financial risk he isn't willing to take. For reference we live in the UK.

I don't belive it was just the legal advice which changed his mind. His family gave him a loan to buy this house but if we got divorced they lose half the return on their investment, so they don’t want him to marry me.

He tried justifying himself, said marrying you doesn’t benefit me and it would be irresponsible. I said why did you propose then? "It was based on emotion."

Then out of nowhere he gives me a wedding ring, saying that he wants me to wear it and tell people we're married even though we are not and never will be. It was the wrong size, he said there’s nothing I can do about that but there was a tag on the ring that allowed returns. He just couldn't be bothered.

A few weeks later he started pressuring me to get pregnant and won’t listen. If I refuse to have children he will end the relationship with me. But I only agreed to have children under the terms of marriage, if he had told me sooner he was not going to marry me I would have never moved in with him.

I am worried about having children for the following reasons.

My income only covers childcare so I would have to give up working and be a stay at home parent. We can't afford two cars running on a single income which means I won't be able to buy one. He won’t give me an allowance for spending or saving money. He refuses a cohabitation agreement or marriage or home equity after his family told him not to sign anything. But I am still expected to invest in the property.

So if we separated I would become legally homeless because the waiting list for a council house is several years. That I would need as my income will never be enough for raising two children on my own.

I said to him, if I ended up in this situation you should take full custody of the children. He said he won't do that because it's too expensive being a single parent.

If he died or became disabled the house will go back to his family and once again I’m left with nothing.

To me it feels like he keeps all the assets but I take on all the liabilities with no compensation. He won’t take any risk for me so I don't see why I should do it for him.

Is there any way I can salvage this relationship, or should I just walk away?

OP posts:
FOJN · 05/04/2025 15:32

skyeisthelimit · 05/04/2025 15:22

He could have ring fenced his share of the deposit, you could hold ownership in the ratio of the deposit, there are various things you can do to show intention. I understand him wanting to protect what is his but he is not going about this in the right way.

This needs to be a dealbreaker for you, no DC without marriage. If his dealbreaker is no DC no relationship, then that's it.

However, I think from his attitude, it is over, you need to walk away and find somebody else who will appreciate you and who wants the same things as you.

Edited

My income only covers childcare so I would have to give up working and be a stay at home parent. We can't afford two cars running on a single income which means I won't be able to buy one. He won’t give me an allowance for spending or saving money. He refuses a cohabitation agreement or marriage or home equity after his family told him not to sign anything. But I am still expected to invest in the property.

If he was a reasonable man he would have taken reasonable action to financially protect himself but reading this paragraph from the OP I do not think that protecting himself financially is the only issue. He wants absolute control and to do that he needs the OP to be utterly dependent on him for things as basic as food and shelter.

I think it signals something quite sinister and calculated.

SuspiciousChipmunk · 05/04/2025 15:33

Is there any way I can salvage this relationship, or should I just walk away?

Salvage the relationship? Are your standards really this low?

Bigearringsbigsmile · 05/04/2025 15:33

Don't walk away- run!!! Run for the hills waving a big red flag for the sake of other women!

What a gigantic nob!

Bigcat25 · 05/04/2025 15:33

Walk away! You'll be a prisoner in you're own life. He has already started to deceive you. He does not have your back in any way. Is that what you want out of a life partner?

Bumblebeestiltskin · 05/04/2025 15:34

Don't walk...RUN.

Meanwhile33 · 05/04/2025 15:35

Why are you even considering trying to salvage a relationship with a man who treats you with such blatant contempt?

Well done for now seeing how bad this situation is for you financially.

It sounds like after you get away from him, you need to work on building your shark cage because as soon as he told you he doesn’t want to get married any more, it should have been crystal clear to you that he doesn’t care about you and you need to walk away immediately.

Good luck and well done on seeing your situation clearly and escaping before it’s too late.

spicemaiden · 05/04/2025 15:35

FOJN · 05/04/2025 15:32

My income only covers childcare so I would have to give up working and be a stay at home parent. We can't afford two cars running on a single income which means I won't be able to buy one. He won’t give me an allowance for spending or saving money. He refuses a cohabitation agreement or marriage or home equity after his family told him not to sign anything. But I am still expected to invest in the property.

If he was a reasonable man he would have taken reasonable action to financially protect himself but reading this paragraph from the OP I do not think that protecting himself financially is the only issue. He wants absolute control and to do that he needs the OP to be utterly dependent on him for things as basic as food and shelter.

I think it signals something quite sinister and calculated.

Couldn’t agree more.

This man is a nasty pice of work, and so is his family

chattyness · 05/04/2025 15:35

Don't walk away, run! He is a selfish manipulative greedy arshole.

Drowninginprobate · 05/04/2025 15:36

Jeeez, why would you even consider staying, run and don’t look back.

Figgygal · 05/04/2025 15:36

Don't walk RUN
Run for the fucking hills
What a prick

CrunchySnow · 05/04/2025 15:36

Jesus christ, what did I just read. Run away, he is not someone you want to have kids with. My partners parents gave us a hefty amount towards our deposit and we just have a contract saying that they get it back in the event of a split/house sale. Apart from the money put in by them, half of the equity in the house should be yours ...please say that you signed as joint tenants and not tenants in common?

CalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 05/04/2025 15:37

So, he’s happy for you to have his children but on the condition that you lie and pretend to be married in public so that other people don’t judge him. He is totally content with a scenario where he’d own a home and a car while continuing with a job where he retains all of his money for himself. Meanwhile, you’d have no job and income, no access to his salary, no ‘allowance’ from the master of the house, no car and no rights to / equity in the home. If you left him you’d be homeless, jobless and penniless with no savings, and you’d also have children, which means however appallingly he treated you, it would be incredibly difficult to leave.

This is the most disgusting form of financial control that he is plotting. Absolutely no fucking way is this acceptable. He’s learned his mercenary attitude from his parents and he’s entirely confident that his desire to keep hold of his money is the most important thing. That selfishness trumps everything else. It will never be a partnership. You absolutely need to leave.

suburburban · 05/04/2025 15:38

Sounds absolutely awful, mercenary and selfish and doesn’t deserve you

why should he have a baby with you if he doesn’t want to marry you

PinkEasterbunny · 05/04/2025 15:39

CalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 05/04/2025 15:37

So, he’s happy for you to have his children but on the condition that you lie and pretend to be married in public so that other people don’t judge him. He is totally content with a scenario where he’d own a home and a car while continuing with a job where he retains all of his money for himself. Meanwhile, you’d have no job and income, no access to his salary, no ‘allowance’ from the master of the house, no car and no rights to / equity in the home. If you left him you’d be homeless, jobless and penniless with no savings, and you’d also have children, which means however appallingly he treated you, it would be incredibly difficult to leave.

This is the most disgusting form of financial control that he is plotting. Absolutely no fucking way is this acceptable. He’s learned his mercenary attitude from his parents and he’s entirely confident that his desire to keep hold of his money is the most important thing. That selfishness trumps everything else. It will never be a partnership. You absolutely need to leave.

Yep - and this is the first time I've ever said LTB

IAmNeverThePerson · 05/04/2025 15:39

Walk away. This not a man to build a future with.

NancyBellaDonna · 05/04/2025 15:39

Thank goodness he's shown you who he really is so early in the relationship. He's untrustworthy and he's not your friend. He will be a shit partner/provider and a shit dad too.

Run don't walk.

In the meantime make sure your contraception is cast iron.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 05/04/2025 15:39

There’s nothing to salvage. He doesn’t respect you or see you as an equal. He views you as a brood mare and a housekeeper. Have you put money into the house? If not, just pack your bags and leave.

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 05/04/2025 15:40

The prenuptial excuse is not the whole truth. It may not be 100% legally binding but if it's "fair" there has to be a very good reason not to enforce it.

AppsDeleted · 05/04/2025 15:40

Seperate

Walk away

Do not get pregnant

oakl79 · 05/04/2025 15:40

Walk away!!

spicemaiden · 05/04/2025 15:40

NancyBellaDonna · 05/04/2025 15:39

Thank goodness he's shown you who he really is so early in the relationship. He's untrustworthy and he's not your friend. He will be a shit partner/provider and a shit dad too.

Run don't walk.

In the meantime make sure your contraception is cast iron.

this.

I didn’t find out until after I was married, pregnant and safely sequestered in another country.

EmeraldDreams73 · 05/04/2025 15:42

WTF have I just read? Get out of this sham of a 'relationship' and RUN. Thank God you don't have kids. How dare he?

This is not ok. Get out.

Cnon · 05/04/2025 15:42

@SummerDaisyChain Please dump this chump!

Pandimoanymum · 05/04/2025 15:42

Dear God, this is grim. Go, just go. It's not a relationship.

Iheartlibrarians · 05/04/2025 15:42

I haven't voted because I want the option to say you'd be unreasonable even to consider staying.

He is demanding the right to leave you with nothing, at the same time as pressuring you to do the very thing that'll make you much less able to be independent in future.

What about that sounds like love?

End it and don't look back.