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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

He ended the engagement, is now pressuring me to have a baby

398 replies

SummerDaisyChain · 05/04/2025 15:06

Me and my partner had been engaged for six months at the time we moved into our first home. Two weeks after moving in he told me that we can't get married any more.

He had received free legal advice and was told that a prenuptial agreement is not legally binding, which means I could still divorce him and get half anyway, even if I signed the prenup. Which I had always agreed to sign from the beginning. He said it's a financial risk he isn't willing to take. For reference we live in the UK.

I don't belive it was just the legal advice which changed his mind. His family gave him a loan to buy this house but if we got divorced they lose half the return on their investment, so they don’t want him to marry me.

He tried justifying himself, said marrying you doesn’t benefit me and it would be irresponsible. I said why did you propose then? "It was based on emotion."

Then out of nowhere he gives me a wedding ring, saying that he wants me to wear it and tell people we're married even though we are not and never will be. It was the wrong size, he said there’s nothing I can do about that but there was a tag on the ring that allowed returns. He just couldn't be bothered.

A few weeks later he started pressuring me to get pregnant and won’t listen. If I refuse to have children he will end the relationship with me. But I only agreed to have children under the terms of marriage, if he had told me sooner he was not going to marry me I would have never moved in with him.

I am worried about having children for the following reasons.

My income only covers childcare so I would have to give up working and be a stay at home parent. We can't afford two cars running on a single income which means I won't be able to buy one. He won’t give me an allowance for spending or saving money. He refuses a cohabitation agreement or marriage or home equity after his family told him not to sign anything. But I am still expected to invest in the property.

So if we separated I would become legally homeless because the waiting list for a council house is several years. That I would need as my income will never be enough for raising two children on my own.

I said to him, if I ended up in this situation you should take full custody of the children. He said he won't do that because it's too expensive being a single parent.

If he died or became disabled the house will go back to his family and once again I’m left with nothing.

To me it feels like he keeps all the assets but I take on all the liabilities with no compensation. He won’t take any risk for me so I don't see why I should do it for him.

Is there any way I can salvage this relationship, or should I just walk away?

OP posts:
Charmofgoldfinch · 05/04/2025 15:50

OP -your partner does not see you as an equal or your relationship a partnership. He wants to take all the benefits (an unofficial ‘wife’, children, shared home) with nine of the investment or security for you. I’m really sorry but this is not a good foundation for a long term relationship. You deserve to be with someone who wants to build a partnership where you are both supported/ secure.

Nazzywish · 05/04/2025 15:51

Leave. Do not have a child.

Gnarab24 · 05/04/2025 15:51

Leave.
Dont look back.
do not under any circumstances have a child
with this asshole.

tealandteal · 05/04/2025 15:52

You can do so much better, imagine choosing a father that would not want his children to be financially secure following his death. He is showing your his true colours now, take heed.

Did you invest financially in the house?

Sugargliderwombat · 05/04/2025 15:52

This man wants to rob you of everything and give nothing back. Run from him.

PinkEasterbunny · 05/04/2025 15:52

He wants all the benefits without actually marrying you by the sound of it,

Just the same as my ex - beware

EvelynBeatrice · 05/04/2025 15:53

It really worries me - if this is real - that you haven’t ended the relationship immediately. Please please get some counselling. Your self esteem and sense of what an equal loving relationship is is way askew.

Tubs11 · 05/04/2025 15:53

He doesn't have your back so of course you walk away and stay away. You sound like a strong woman so you will get through this and go on to meet someone more deserving of you. Marriage is a partnership, there is no partnership here, walk away with your head held high.

Iamnotalemming · 05/04/2025 15:53

Please leave him. I would, if I were you.

SuperTrooper14 · 05/04/2025 15:54

Don't walk away – sprint like your life depends on it.

He is being controlling and manipulative and doesn't have yours or your future children's best interests at heart.

Motheringlikeapelican · 05/04/2025 15:55

OP, please run away as far and fast as you can from this 'man', your ' relationship' and his grasping family

I would (once you have made an escape plan and are safe) throw his own words back at him
'no, I will not have children with you. I'm not willing to make such an important commitment and risk my health, pelvic floor, career and earning potential for with a man who is unwilling to marry and make an equal commitment to me. Having children with you is of no benefit to me and would be irresponsible.´

ClairDeLaLune · 05/04/2025 15:55

Why do you want to salvage the relationship? He’s a financially abusive, controlling wanker. He cares only about money, not about you.

Don’t walk. Run.

LaaLaaLady · 05/04/2025 15:55

Wow. Walk away. In fact, run. Better to see this financial abuse now, and not later. I can't see a single pro to you being or staying in this relationship.

Doolallies · 05/04/2025 15:55

Run for the hills. There’s are so so so many bad things about what you’ve written. Even one would be enough to not stay with him but there’s about 15 huge problems here

CantStopMoving · 05/04/2025 15:55

Run, like, today. Do not pass go. This is absolutely not normal behaviour for someone who loves you and wants to build a future

Find a real man who treats you like you like are the centre of his universe.

Henbags · 05/04/2025 15:56

What the fuck did I just read?

GabriellaMontez · 05/04/2025 15:57

Run for the hills.

commonsense61 · 05/04/2025 15:57

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

madonninamia · 05/04/2025 15:58

If a friend of yours confided the very same thing you’ve written to us what would your advice be?

If you’re a reasonable and intelligent woman pack your bags and leave the wanker. This should have been done at the point when he changed his mind over the marriage, but you still have time! Please don’t have his children. What a slap in the face for you. I’m sorry. I’m sure you deserve a whole lot better than this specimen.

Tagyoureit · 05/04/2025 15:59

Leave him.

You really can do so much better!!

Eatingricecrispieswithafork · 05/04/2025 16:00

Run ... There's something dead within that man's soul, you deserve love, real love, your future children deserve the best parents, the best chance of a good life. Pre nups always feel like the enemy of honesty and trust. BUT I haven't been married, never will be and can't bear the thought of living with anyone else who will interfere with my odd wee ways.

EvelynBeatrice · 05/04/2025 16:01

Please please can I just ask you to focus on this one thing if nothing else. You will love any future child more than you can imagine. Choose the father of that child with extreme extreme care. The person you choose should be the one above all others that you trust will be selfless and prioritise the ones they love over all else. If you don’t think you’re worth this, hopefully you see that your future babies are. He’s not the one.

Kalimero · 05/04/2025 16:01

You are his doormat.

RUN.

LadyBracknellsHandbagg · 05/04/2025 16:04

Don’t walk, run, as far and as fast as you can. This man is a terrible human being in every regard and will ruin your life.

Bestfootforward11 · 05/04/2025 16:06

Walk Away. Now.