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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

He ended the engagement, is now pressuring me to have a baby

398 replies

SummerDaisyChain · 05/04/2025 15:06

Me and my partner had been engaged for six months at the time we moved into our first home. Two weeks after moving in he told me that we can't get married any more.

He had received free legal advice and was told that a prenuptial agreement is not legally binding, which means I could still divorce him and get half anyway, even if I signed the prenup. Which I had always agreed to sign from the beginning. He said it's a financial risk he isn't willing to take. For reference we live in the UK.

I don't belive it was just the legal advice which changed his mind. His family gave him a loan to buy this house but if we got divorced they lose half the return on their investment, so they don’t want him to marry me.

He tried justifying himself, said marrying you doesn’t benefit me and it would be irresponsible. I said why did you propose then? "It was based on emotion."

Then out of nowhere he gives me a wedding ring, saying that he wants me to wear it and tell people we're married even though we are not and never will be. It was the wrong size, he said there’s nothing I can do about that but there was a tag on the ring that allowed returns. He just couldn't be bothered.

A few weeks later he started pressuring me to get pregnant and won’t listen. If I refuse to have children he will end the relationship with me. But I only agreed to have children under the terms of marriage, if he had told me sooner he was not going to marry me I would have never moved in with him.

I am worried about having children for the following reasons.

My income only covers childcare so I would have to give up working and be a stay at home parent. We can't afford two cars running on a single income which means I won't be able to buy one. He won’t give me an allowance for spending or saving money. He refuses a cohabitation agreement or marriage or home equity after his family told him not to sign anything. But I am still expected to invest in the property.

So if we separated I would become legally homeless because the waiting list for a council house is several years. That I would need as my income will never be enough for raising two children on my own.

I said to him, if I ended up in this situation you should take full custody of the children. He said he won't do that because it's too expensive being a single parent.

If he died or became disabled the house will go back to his family and once again I’m left with nothing.

To me it feels like he keeps all the assets but I take on all the liabilities with no compensation. He won’t take any risk for me so I don't see why I should do it for him.

Is there any way I can salvage this relationship, or should I just walk away?

OP posts:
FOJN · 05/04/2025 15:14

Walk? I'd run so fast Usain Bolt wouldn't be able to catch me.

SparklyGlitterballs · 05/04/2025 15:14

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 05/04/2025 15:08

Tell him that having children with him is "a financial risk I'm not willing to take". Then leave him. What an arsehole.

Absolutely this!!

I'm surprised you even have to ask the question actually. Make plans asap to leave and double/triple up on your contraception in the meantime. What an absolute bell-end!

StSwithinsDay · 05/04/2025 15:14

Every day the bar seems to get lower and lower on MN.

HenDoNot · 05/04/2025 15:15

You should have walked away when he ended the engagement.

You should have walked away when he gave you a wedding ring and told you to wear it and tell people you’re married, even though you’re not.

You should have walked away the moment he started pressuring you to get pregnant and won’t listen to your point of view.

Given that you haven’t walked away already, I’ve no doubt you’ll be posting on here when you’re doing absolutely everything for the baby, complaining that he doesn’t lift a finger, you’re skint, trapped… and I bet you’ll even give the baby his surname.

ThisIsMyYearToFindMyself · 05/04/2025 15:15

Whose name is the house in?

Who pays the mortgage?

You say his family lent him the money, do you mean the deposit?

Leave, or sort the finance (depending on your answers to these questions) then leave.

You could be in a Premier Inn or similar by tea time. Takeaway dinner, feet up, Saturday evening telly.

Just leave.

None of this “but I luffs ‘im” shite we get on here.

mulchtheflowerbeds · 05/04/2025 15:15

What’s your contraception? I wouldn’t put it past this controlling financially abusive shit to sabotage it. Watch your back and get out.

Octavia64 · 05/04/2025 15:15

Run away.

Solongfairwelll · 05/04/2025 15:15

This is not a good man.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 05/04/2025 15:16

Comedycook · 05/04/2025 15:07

Walk away.

Don't walk away. Run as fast as you can!!

FOJN · 05/04/2025 15:16

He got you to move in with him under false pretences and now he wants to trap you with a child and absolutely no financial security.

AngelicKaty · 05/04/2025 15:16

The 100% YANBU vote (so far) tells you everything you need to hear OP and I, for one, am applauding you. It makes my heart heavy every time I hear about another woman having children without the benefit/protection of marriage and I'm delighted to hear you don't plan on being that foolish. Your DP is a selfish CF - he wants all the benefits of marriage whilst expecting you to take all the risks - why should you? And he's already made it clear that he wouldn't be a single dad if your relationship broke down so you'd join the ranks of the 90% of single parents who are the mothers. Honestly OP, why on earth are you with him at all? Please get rid - you deserve better!

flumposie · 05/04/2025 15:17

Leave

Diydanny · 05/04/2025 15:17

SparklyGlitterballs · 05/04/2025 15:14

Absolutely this!!

I'm surprised you even have to ask the question actually. Make plans asap to leave and double/triple up on your contraception in the meantime. What an absolute bell-end!

Errr. Triple up the contraception???? There would be absolutely no need for ANY contraception if this was me. Run, run, run.

ItGhoul · 05/04/2025 15:17

Fucking hell. Leave him. He’s repulsive and you are not his brood mare.

CalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 05/04/2025 15:17

OP, this isn’t love.

ThisIsMyYearToFindMyself · 05/04/2025 15:18

50 67 75 votes. (I don’t think I’ll be able to edit a third time 😁)

100% you are not being unreasonable.

Says it all really.

backslashruby · 05/04/2025 15:18

Have my first ever LTB.

Terrribletwos · 05/04/2025 15:18

Does he want you pregnant so he can stay in the UK?

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 05/04/2025 15:18

Him ‘ I want to have my cake and eat it. You can sweep up the crumbs’.

You ‘😅😅😅👋🏻

AngelicKaty · 05/04/2025 15:19

Mountainfrog · 05/04/2025 15:08

LTb

Absolutely. If ever there was a thread on MN worthy of a "LTB" response, this is surely it!

Imbusytodaysorry · 05/04/2025 15:19

@SummerDaisyChain bloody hell
how is This a question ????
Please keep quiet sort your living situation and leave quietly . Post his keys and block him.
It’s Actulay scarily controling . Have you read the posts on here like yours . Their posts are trapped in the situation you have posted and they have had the kids .

Sorry but your fears are exactly how it would go.
You are paying in to his mortgage, his financial security . He doesn’t care about you!

GCAcademic · 05/04/2025 15:19

Why are you not running away from this man? Do you place no value on yourself at all? Even if you don't, you hopefully at least value your future child and want better for them than such a "father"?

HumanRightsAreHumanRights · 05/04/2025 15:20

You don't have a relationship.

You have a man who wants to breed some descendants and take no responsibility for the mother of those children or the children themselves.

Walk, run, whatever, just get out as fast as you can and don't look back.

He thinks he's got you trapped in that house and now he's showing you that you are nothing more than a womb he won't even pay to rent.

candycane222 · 05/04/2025 15:20

Well done for spotting the obvious flaws in his plan. Now you know exactly how much he cares for you - which is less than zero - act on your insight and protect yourself. By splitting up with him.

HelloVeraPlant · 05/04/2025 15:20

He sounds horrible. Leave.

it sounds like he has put everything in place so that he can have a child and a woman to look after them - it doesn’t sound like he cares about you and your needs.

Leave!