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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

He ended the engagement, is now pressuring me to have a baby

398 replies

SummerDaisyChain · 05/04/2025 15:06

Me and my partner had been engaged for six months at the time we moved into our first home. Two weeks after moving in he told me that we can't get married any more.

He had received free legal advice and was told that a prenuptial agreement is not legally binding, which means I could still divorce him and get half anyway, even if I signed the prenup. Which I had always agreed to sign from the beginning. He said it's a financial risk he isn't willing to take. For reference we live in the UK.

I don't belive it was just the legal advice which changed his mind. His family gave him a loan to buy this house but if we got divorced they lose half the return on their investment, so they don’t want him to marry me.

He tried justifying himself, said marrying you doesn’t benefit me and it would be irresponsible. I said why did you propose then? "It was based on emotion."

Then out of nowhere he gives me a wedding ring, saying that he wants me to wear it and tell people we're married even though we are not and never will be. It was the wrong size, he said there’s nothing I can do about that but there was a tag on the ring that allowed returns. He just couldn't be bothered.

A few weeks later he started pressuring me to get pregnant and won’t listen. If I refuse to have children he will end the relationship with me. But I only agreed to have children under the terms of marriage, if he had told me sooner he was not going to marry me I would have never moved in with him.

I am worried about having children for the following reasons.

My income only covers childcare so I would have to give up working and be a stay at home parent. We can't afford two cars running on a single income which means I won't be able to buy one. He won’t give me an allowance for spending or saving money. He refuses a cohabitation agreement or marriage or home equity after his family told him not to sign anything. But I am still expected to invest in the property.

So if we separated I would become legally homeless because the waiting list for a council house is several years. That I would need as my income will never be enough for raising two children on my own.

I said to him, if I ended up in this situation you should take full custody of the children. He said he won't do that because it's too expensive being a single parent.

If he died or became disabled the house will go back to his family and once again I’m left with nothing.

To me it feels like he keeps all the assets but I take on all the liabilities with no compensation. He won’t take any risk for me so I don't see why I should do it for him.

Is there any way I can salvage this relationship, or should I just walk away?

OP posts:
nomas · 06/04/2025 11:03

Swiftie1878 · 06/04/2025 10:54

There’s no way I’d be leaving my kids with him! I’d find a way to take care of them.

I think OP was just telling him the reality - if they had babies and he broke up with her, she’d be homeless so would have nowhere to take the kids. It’s to bring home how awful he is. I doubt OP is planning kids with him.

Daleksatemyshed · 06/04/2025 12:05

I really hope the Op isn't planning on having kids with him. I've seen too many unhappy women in the situation Op would be in if they broke up, and never a man whose so clearly set out she'd leave with nothing if they did

TheLavenderLantern · 06/04/2025 12:37

Shinyandnew1 · 06/04/2025 09:49

Before moving in with him I was on universal credit to help pay my living costs. When I moved in with him my benefits ended

If you move out, won't universal credit help pay your living costs again?

Yes. Yes they would. Sell the ring.

WearyAuldWumman · 06/04/2025 12:37

SummerDaisyChain · 06/04/2025 10:38

He wants to keep his right to throw me out of his house with absolutely nothing, no money, and nowhere to live. How is it reasonable him expecting me to raise the children alone in these circumstances?

If we separated he knows I'd become homeless but is telling me I would still have to take the children with me anyway.

Edited

So don't have children with him.

You need someone in real life to talk this through with you. This chauvinist is basically trying to keep you barefoot and in the kitchen.

Look up details for Women's Aid. He's controlling you. Trying to persuade you to become pregnant with no financial backing is financial abuse. You need out.

Shinyandnew1 · 06/04/2025 12:48

as my income will never be enough for raising two children on my own.

These two children don't exist! There is not even an embryo of one child-you are not linked to him at all.

Leave this horrible man and make sure they never do.

maximalistmaximus · 06/04/2025 12:52

Financial abuse alarm bells.

ditch and use a sperm bank.

yomellamoHelly · 06/04/2025 12:54

What money did you put on? You need to get out asap, or your throwing good money after bad. He's reduced this to a transaction

BarbaricYawp · 06/04/2025 13:12

Even your Plan A (get married, have babies, stay at home because that's "his preference") seems desperately undesirable and all about him controlling you for the whole of the rest of your life. Now you know he won't marry you and is actively looking to prevent you from having any stake in your life together, you've done well to put the handbrake on. You need to stick to your guns and leave now. This isn't salvageable. Think of it as a lucky escape.

SummerDaisyChain · 06/04/2025 16:02

Shinyandnew1 · 06/04/2025 09:49

Before moving in with him I was on universal credit to help pay my living costs. When I moved in with him my benefits ended

If you move out, won't universal credit help pay your living costs again?

I'd have to move out, then reapply for benefits and wait 5 weeks to receive the first payment. The only way I could manage that is if I saved money before leaving.

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 06/04/2025 16:06

SummerDaisyChain · 06/04/2025 16:02

I'd have to move out, then reapply for benefits and wait 5 weeks to receive the first payment. The only way I could manage that is if I saved money before leaving.

You can get an advance within a few days.

YouLookinSusBro · 06/04/2025 16:09

Sorry if I've missed this but why are you not working?

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 06/04/2025 16:11

You are working ?
full time ?

so on min wage a week for 35 hours @ £12.21 = £427.35, minus tax, pension and NI

how much money are you giving him for his house each week/month ? as you ought to now be getting £1851 gross.

I would wait til pay day then find a room to rent in a shared house and move in asap .

You are never going to see a penny of what you have paid towards ' rent ' / lodgings in / for his house.

xsquared · 06/04/2025 16:19

This is not a functioning relationship. It's all very transactional and he's not treating you like an equal, which is what a loving partner would do. He is treating you like an object, and that's putting it mildly.

He has also shown that he cannot be relied upon. Get yourself sorted financially, and get the hell out of there.

TheLavenderLantern · 06/04/2025 16:20

TheFormidableMrsC · 06/04/2025 16:06

You can get an advance within a few days.

You could get a room in a refuge because he is coercively and financially controlling you while trying to impregnate you to trap you into paying his loan back - although I don’t know how you can contribute if you’re not working and can’t claim UC.

How are you going to save up for a month’s deposit and the first month’s rent on a room if you have no income?

TheLavenderLantern · 06/04/2025 16:21

YouLookinSusBro · 06/04/2025 16:09

Sorry if I've missed this but why are you not working?

That’s what I’m thinking too.

Coolasfeck · 06/04/2025 16:21

Have gone through all your posts OP and despite initially reading the first and thinking LTB, I’m now with your partners family. Nevertheless your DP wants the best of all worlds to keep you, him and his family happy, so not marrying you whilst you still having his kids is the way he sees he can do it.

You've only been with him 1.3 years and are already planning on being a SAHM. He met you whilst you were on universal credit and you are already completely financially dependent on him… at 15 months in?

I’m sorry if I was his mother I’d be massively side-eyeing your intentions here because I’m seeing a woman who is very keen to be kept. My assumptions are he is doing well for himself and he is punching above his weight as you are far more attractive.

MollyRover · 06/04/2025 16:22

YouLookinSusBro · 06/04/2025 16:09

Sorry if I've missed this but why are you not working?

I’d love to know too. How do you become financially dependent on someone you’ve known for a year? This one should be easy, leave him, you have no strings attached in terms of marriage, property or DC- pack your things and walk out of the house. You also haven’t wasted much time so consider it a bullet dodged OP.

Shinyandnew1 · 06/04/2025 16:28

My income only covers childcare so I would have to give up working

From this, the OP does appear to be working. What do you earn a month, OP?

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 06/04/2025 16:41

YouLookinSusBro · 06/04/2025 16:09

Sorry if I've missed this but why are you not working?

I got the impression she is working but doesn’t earn much.

BakelikeBertha · 06/04/2025 16:46

OP, lots of people have asked why you're not working, but you haven't given an answer.

Please tell us whether you have a job, and if so whether it's F/T or P/T.

Also, if you don't have a job, please tell us why, as it's much harder to give advice if we don't have this information.

ShieldMaiden8 · 06/04/2025 16:54

OP you can do so much better than this.

MummaMummaMumma · 06/04/2025 17:01

Even if he agrees to marry you now, why would you want to?
Run. Run away fast.

springbringshope · 06/04/2025 17:11

Walk away.
the loan issue makes no sense. If you split his parents lose nothing because it was a loan.
but walk away. You will be completely vulnerable getting pregnant to him with no stake in the assets

springbringshope · 06/04/2025 17:15

Added to which of he’s putting conditions on you about having babies then he really isn’t that bothered about you. Move on. He’s a dick.

LittleBearPad · 06/04/2025 17:24

I’ve read your posts OP. This isn’t a relationship worth saving for either of you.