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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

He ended the engagement, is now pressuring me to have a baby

398 replies

SummerDaisyChain · 05/04/2025 15:06

Me and my partner had been engaged for six months at the time we moved into our first home. Two weeks after moving in he told me that we can't get married any more.

He had received free legal advice and was told that a prenuptial agreement is not legally binding, which means I could still divorce him and get half anyway, even if I signed the prenup. Which I had always agreed to sign from the beginning. He said it's a financial risk he isn't willing to take. For reference we live in the UK.

I don't belive it was just the legal advice which changed his mind. His family gave him a loan to buy this house but if we got divorced they lose half the return on their investment, so they don’t want him to marry me.

He tried justifying himself, said marrying you doesn’t benefit me and it would be irresponsible. I said why did you propose then? "It was based on emotion."

Then out of nowhere he gives me a wedding ring, saying that he wants me to wear it and tell people we're married even though we are not and never will be. It was the wrong size, he said there’s nothing I can do about that but there was a tag on the ring that allowed returns. He just couldn't be bothered.

A few weeks later he started pressuring me to get pregnant and won’t listen. If I refuse to have children he will end the relationship with me. But I only agreed to have children under the terms of marriage, if he had told me sooner he was not going to marry me I would have never moved in with him.

I am worried about having children for the following reasons.

My income only covers childcare so I would have to give up working and be a stay at home parent. We can't afford two cars running on a single income which means I won't be able to buy one. He won’t give me an allowance for spending or saving money. He refuses a cohabitation agreement or marriage or home equity after his family told him not to sign anything. But I am still expected to invest in the property.

So if we separated I would become legally homeless because the waiting list for a council house is several years. That I would need as my income will never be enough for raising two children on my own.

I said to him, if I ended up in this situation you should take full custody of the children. He said he won't do that because it's too expensive being a single parent.

If he died or became disabled the house will go back to his family and once again I’m left with nothing.

To me it feels like he keeps all the assets but I take on all the liabilities with no compensation. He won’t take any risk for me so I don't see why I should do it for him.

Is there any way I can salvage this relationship, or should I just walk away?

OP posts:
RedToothBrush · 06/04/2025 17:29

No marriage no children. The end.

If he values his own bank account than you and wants you to sign a prenup and insists you get pregnant first without financial security, he doesn't give a shit about you. Just his bank account.

Do not have children with this man who thinks it's ok to issue ultimatums at this stage. He's financially abusive and controlling.

He does not love you.

DuesToTheDirt · 06/04/2025 18:42

SummerDaisyChain · 05/04/2025 23:34

He will not put my name on the house or allow me to own any percentage of it. He also won't pay half the cost of childcare because in his mind it's cheaper for me to stay home and provide all the childcare for free.

Sounds like he doesn't want a wife, he wants a broodmare.

ohnowwhatcanitbe · 06/04/2025 21:00

SummerDaisyChain · 06/04/2025 16:02

I'd have to move out, then reapply for benefits and wait 5 weeks to receive the first payment. The only way I could manage that is if I saved money before leaving.

Do you have any friends or work colleagues? There has to be someone whose spare bed, sofa or floor you could sleep on for a few weeks. My DD's friend recently escaped from an abusive relationship and the first thing I did was say to DD to tell her friend she could come and stay with us if she needed somewhere. DD said that she'd already offered her own flat as well.

People will help you if you ask them.

Imbusytodaysorry · 06/04/2025 21:13

SummerDaisyChain · 06/04/2025 16:02

I'd have to move out, then reapply for benefits and wait 5 weeks to receive the first payment. The only way I could manage that is if I saved money before leaving.

Not true !
If you have ended the relationship like you have said you have .
you apply for payments as single person !
I take it you are in separate rooms and not cooking , shopping, cleaning , washing for him or sorting his sexual needs out ? Then you can apply.

Does he know you have ended it ?
How is this controlling man with the news He had lost ?

AngelicKaty · 07/04/2025 07:33

BakelikeBertha · 06/04/2025 16:46

OP, lots of people have asked why you're not working, but you haven't given an answer.

Please tell us whether you have a job, and if so whether it's F/T or P/T.

Also, if you don't have a job, please tell us why, as it's much harder to give advice if we don't have this information.

OP's first post, beginning of paragraph 8, she wrote: "My income only covers childcare so I would have to give up working and be a stay at home parent."

AngelicKaty · 07/04/2025 07:38

TheLavenderLantern · 06/04/2025 16:20

You could get a room in a refuge because he is coercively and financially controlling you while trying to impregnate you to trap you into paying his loan back - although I don’t know how you can contribute if you’re not working and can’t claim UC.

How are you going to save up for a month’s deposit and the first month’s rent on a room if you have no income?

She does have an income. In her opening post, beginning of 8th paragraph, she wrote: "My income only covers childcare so I would have to give up working and be a stay at home parent."

XWKD · 07/04/2025 07:40

Is he Andrew Tate by any chance?

He's treating you like a slave.

unconditionalpurelove · 07/04/2025 07:45

YEP I'm sorry OP but definitely leave. What exactly is in it for you? Where is the love and thought for your welfare?

JustWalkingTheDogs · 07/04/2025 07:49

Have you spoken to anyone in the benefits office? You could be entitled to UC whilst still living in the same house, or if you are ‘homeless’ they will find you somewhere to live, temp accommodation

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 07/04/2025 07:54

No benefits for you and plenty of risk, better to be a lone parent than to have a baby in this situation

TheBewleySisters · 07/04/2025 07:55

Do you work? Does he?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 07/04/2025 07:55

HolyStyleFailBatman · 05/04/2025 15:12

Also, sell the ring he gave you

Yes return to shop or cash for gold website

ButterfliesnWaterfalls · 07/04/2025 08:02

Coolasfeck · 06/04/2025 16:21

Have gone through all your posts OP and despite initially reading the first and thinking LTB, I’m now with your partners family. Nevertheless your DP wants the best of all worlds to keep you, him and his family happy, so not marrying you whilst you still having his kids is the way he sees he can do it.

You've only been with him 1.3 years and are already planning on being a SAHM. He met you whilst you were on universal credit and you are already completely financially dependent on him… at 15 months in?

I’m sorry if I was his mother I’d be massively side-eyeing your intentions here because I’m seeing a woman who is very keen to be kept. My assumptions are he is doing well for himself and he is punching above his weight as you are far more attractive.

I agree. This is the impression I’m getting too.

He is wealthy and she is young and attractive. He is probably older too!

honeylulu · 07/04/2025 08:04

The ONLY good thing about this is that you aren't already pregnant/no children.

There is nothing further you can do to salvage the matter.
You have no ownership rights over the house so you could be homeless the moment he is displeased with you.

He won't ever marry you because he does not want to share ownership of the house or anything else.
He wants at least three children but won't allow you to work because he wants free childcare from you. (I expect you already do all the cooking and cleaning).
He won't share his income with you even if you have children. What will you live on???
If you split he says you have to take the children with you because he doesn't want the financial burden. WTF? (He couldn't actually force you to take them although most mothers would not want to leave them behind.)
And ... he wants you to help repay his parents the deposit money. (Why? They didn't lend it to you and he's made it clear it's not ever going to be your house!)

He sounds absolutely awful, like he doesn't even consider you as a fellow human, just an appliance to control and serve him for free. It also sounds like his family control him in turn and that is never a good thing.

Run run run!

Penguinmouse · 07/04/2025 08:18

AngelicKaty · 07/04/2025 07:38

She does have an income. In her opening post, beginning of 8th paragraph, she wrote: "My income only covers childcare so I would have to give up working and be a stay at home parent."

I read this as she’s worried about having a child because her income would go into childcare. I don’t think OP has children already. (I’m possibly wrong!)

MayaPinion · 07/04/2025 08:24

The universe is telling you to run not walk. You need a job as a matter of urgency so then you can save up and leave. At the moment you rely on a man who appears to be actively trying to make you completely dependent on him, and even worse, you’re letting him do it.

Powderblue1 · 07/04/2025 08:48

OP do not have a baby with this man!

my DH earns 10x my salary and we split everything 50/50. There is no way you should have children with someone who won’t financially support his family whilst expecting up to earn less to care for the child he wants!

NoMoreLifts · 07/04/2025 09:23

SummerDaisyChain · 05/04/2025 23:34

He will not put my name on the house or allow me to own any percentage of it. He also won't pay half the cost of childcare because in his mind it's cheaper for me to stay home and provide all the childcare for free.

The childcare won't be free.
You will be paying for it with missed opportunity costs and without protection for that from your 'partner'.

toottoot3 · 07/04/2025 09:34

Your first post totally lays out how awful this relationship could be, you would be going into it with eyes wide open as he has completely outlined how awful you are going to be living if you continue with this relationship, why if you are to be living as an unpaid sahm who has to contribute towards his wealth do you feel the need for ways for YOU to salvage this relationship? What else are you willing to give up for absolutely no return? Cause your freedom, money, choices and chance if being in a loving partnership are to be foregone just to have this absolute whallopers kids (which we won't do a thing for or pay for?) he's told you that clearly, if you have kids with him, you are signing them up to a horrible situation

AngelicKaty · 07/04/2025 09:46

Penguinmouse · 07/04/2025 08:18

I read this as she’s worried about having a child because her income would go into childcare. I don’t think OP has children already. (I’m possibly wrong!)

I honestly have no idea how you could read it that way.

Penguinmouse · 07/04/2025 10:46

AngelicKaty · 07/04/2025 09:46

I honestly have no idea how you could read it that way.

“I honestly no idea how you read it that way.”

Well, “I’m worried about having children as my income only covers childcare so I would have to give up my job” is a conditional sentence so it’s not that crazy to read it that way 🙄

AngelicKaty · 07/04/2025 23:52

Penguinmouse · 07/04/2025 10:46

“I honestly no idea how you read it that way.”

Well, “I’m worried about having children as my income only covers childcare so I would have to give up my job” is a conditional sentence so it’s not that crazy to read it that way 🙄

Seriously? What part of "... so I would have to give up my job" don't you understand? Why do you think OP would be talking about giving up a job if she doesn't have one to give up? 🙄

Penguinmouse · 08/04/2025 02:11

@AngelicKaty ”if AngelicKaty wrote a stupid response, I would have to roll my eyes.” There you go, I’ve used it in a sentence.

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