My feminism has made me bitter

[Yourra]

At least I think it has. I’m late 30s and grew up in a very traditional home, my dad was in charge generally, mum stayed at home. It wasn’t until I was in my earlier thirties that I really woke up to the misogyny in the world.

My anger towards the patriarchy really took hold when I had my first dc. I was absolutely horrified by some things that went on at work, the way I had to fight with CMS when DD’s dad decided he didn’t want to be a parent anymore.

I am in a new relationship and I am happy but I now see very minor entitled behaviours in every man I come across, even those who would be considered ‘allies.’ My dad is a lovely man but I notice more how the dynamic with my mum was trenched in that patriarchal system.

Now my eyes are open I see it everywhere and honestly it makes me bitter. Not sure why I’m posting really, just wondered if anyone else felt this way.

I agree, the more you learn, the more you see.

Goady title. It’s not feminism making you bitter; it’s misogyny.

I honestly question sometimes whether I even want to be in a relationship. I never used to feel like this at all. I was ever the romantic. But the idea of a life without a man in it seems increasingly attractive.

I feel the same, once you've seen it, you can't unsee it.
Similar story to you also, had my DD, became a single parent and had it hit me how easy it is for some men to opt out of their responsibilities. I started seeing everything in a new light. I'm trying to teach my DD some valuable lessons that unfortunately, I was never taught. I hope things work out differently for her at least.

@FourEyesGood goady how?!

Yeah it’s not feminism’s fault. It’s your life experiences.
I am a feminist and very relaxed and cheerful and fond of very many men. (Still don’t want one though!)

It sounds as though you’re blaming feminism.

But the idea of a life without a man in it seems increasingly attractive

I think a lot of us feel this way.

@Hopefulstill yes I absolutely couldn’t believe how women were just left to pick up the pieces and made to feel awful on top of that! I honestly was shocked by it. Even the fact you have to pay a £20 fee to claim… why is the woman picking that fee up, it’s the man that’s decided to stop paying towards his child, not the other way around. The world can be a dark place for women.

It’s goady because you’re playing into the hands of the incel types that like to tell us we would be happy if we only accepted our gender role and that it’s the feminists who make us unsatisfied and unhappy - not them.

I would suggest it's what is being done to women that is making you bitter, not feminism itself!

I think a lot of women 'see' a lot more inequality when kids come along. But it's in the background everywhere too.

"The man who has it all" Facebook/insta account is gently funny about the messages that go out to women - might be worth a follow....

No doubt you'll get lots of posters trying to pretend it's all women's fault.

There are obviously a whole raft of inequalities that people live through, so I'm aware of the fact that other groups see the same struggle that perhaps I don't.

She’s means that having woken up to the misogyny- through an awareness that was enabled by feminism - she is now angry. The misogyny existed prior to her feminist awakening but she wasn’t angry about it, because she didn’t see it for what it was and hadn’t thought about how and why it was so unfair.

@FourEyesGood well it’s not what I meant and I think my OP is clear

Rather than be angry just feel pity that they were raised in a world that allowed them to be this way.

Teaching in a secondary school I see lots of this behaviour. It's not the kids fault- it's the behaviour they have learned from their parents.

I think what she's actually trying to say about the system isn't goady. Perhaps a poor choice of words to say it's "feminism" rather than awareness of disgusting misogyny.

Your OP is clear; your title is misleading - as others have explained more fully than I did. Your problem is not feminism; it’s shit men.

It is clear OP. I wish people didn’t need to pick other women apart for the sake of it. YANBU.

Not a new thought of course: remember "a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle"? Yeah, though, many of us go through this process of seeing and then never being able to unsee. Being single and enjoying your friends can be great, and maybe one day you meet one of the rare men who really see patriarchy and want to do something about it and you fall in love, or maybe not... Make your life what you want it to be and let your DD see you do it!

@FourEyesGood I agree!

I think this post encapsulates how I feel. I always knew misogyny existed, but now I see it in so many more micro behaviours and yes, it makes me angry.

I'm so relieved to have sons tbh because it's so hard to be a woman. It's easier to be equals without children though because once you got children they become more important than fighting for equal rights: you know that if you don't do it noone else will and in the end it's the kids that will suffer from it.

Wow, thanks for explaining that to me. My poor little middle-aged feminist brain couldn’t grasp that.

My problem is not with the OP’s situation - I understand it and sympathise. It’s with the title, which implies the problem is feminism, not misogyny.

@arcticpandas this is so true. When I was with DD’s dad I would often fight for him to do his share but ultimately if it didn’t happen I had to do it or she would suffer.

About half the threads on MN have poorly chosen words in the title that you need to read the OP to understand what is actually meant. She agrees it was wrong.

Let's engage with the actual point of the thread rather than prolonging discussion about the thread title.

It’s one of those things that once you see it, not only you can’t unsee it, but you notice it everywhere. That’s because it is everywhere, in many forms you just don’t have the rose tinted glasses of “it’s just banter”, “boys will be boys”, “it’s a compliment “ and all the other bullshit excuses and minimising.

I already know that if anything happens to OH, no other man will ever darken my doorstep again.