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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My feminism has made me bitter

158 replies

Yourra · 05/04/2025 08:07

At least I think it has. I’m late 30s and grew up in a very traditional home, my dad was in charge generally, mum stayed at home. It wasn’t until I was in my earlier thirties that I really woke up to the misogyny in the world.

My anger towards the patriarchy really took hold when I had my first dc. I was absolutely horrified by some things that went on at work, the way I had to fight with CMS when DD’s dad decided he didn’t want to be a parent anymore.

I am in a new relationship and I am happy but I now see very minor entitled behaviours in every man I come across, even those who would be considered ‘allies.’ My dad is a lovely man but I notice more how the dynamic with my mum was trenched in that patriarchal system.

Now my eyes are open I see it everywhere and honestly it makes me bitter. Not sure why I’m posting really, just wondered if anyone else felt this way.

OP posts:
Echobelly · 05/04/2025 11:55

YANBU, but it's kind of the price of being aware.

In my marriage we've come some way from what my mum accepted, but still not far enough, we haven't really managed to model equitable parenting, though DH does loads more than my dad ever did in terms of active childrearing.

Like @WhenYouSayNothingAtAll , though I love my DH, if anything happened to him I would not look for another relationship. I could manage on my own financially but I feel, especially later in life, you'll only find men looking for someone to look after them and it's not a commitment I'd make again.

Tradwife365 · 05/04/2025 11:56

I’ve seen this a lot!
it’s very freeing when you accept that women are better and home and family based activities and men are more fit to work.
it all gets harder when you blur these boundaries and start bickering about ‘who does what’

TheAmusedQuail · 05/04/2025 12:01

I've been a feminist since I was 11 years old. I still have all the same beliefs and I did go through a bitter stage, BUT feminism has also freed me to decide not to have men in my life. No relationships, minimal male friendships. I cut the men I work with no slack.

I get it can be hard if you're married (I'm divorced) or if you have teenage sons, but for me, feminism has enabled me to live a life free of the bullshit that comes from men.

It took getting older to convince me to just detox from men though. For much of my life, I tried to live with them, reason with them etc. No more. I'm SO much happier for it and I'm grateful to be alive now, because it's possible for me to be completely independent of men.

Cheesyfootballs01 · 05/04/2025 12:05

Hopefulstill · 05/04/2025 08:18

I think this post encapsulates how I feel. I always knew misogyny existed, but now I see it in so many more micro behaviours and yes, it makes me angry.

This post sums up how I feel completely. The last few years have been eye opening for me - i always knew the misogyny was there but now I feel like it’s been ramped up to 2.0.

Men are feeling more powerful and entitled to their ‘men’s rights’ and with the rise of the online incels and alpha male types, I really worry for the future of women.

Yourra · 05/04/2025 12:16

Tradwife365 · 05/04/2025 11:56

I’ve seen this a lot!
it’s very freeing when you accept that women are better and home and family based activities and men are more fit to work.
it all gets harder when you blur these boundaries and start bickering about ‘who does what’

@Tradwife365 do you think women are better at it because they’ve been forced into that role and expectation, though? Or do you really think it’s a natural thing?

OP posts:
FeministUnderTheCatriarchy · 05/04/2025 12:17

I feel very angry about the situation that women face worldwide — and here in the UK, where we claim to be a “developed” and “progressive” nation, yet women continue to suffer under the weight of misogyny in both insidious and overt ways.

If my DH and I split, I would never be with another man. DH tries to understand but he never will truly. You can't, unless you have experienced girl and womanhood within the patriarchy.

The comments of certain PP are exactly why I am extremely selective about my friendships with other women. I simply cannot — will not — associate with those who think feminism equals misogyny. That kind of thinking doesn’t just lack understanding; it contributes to the ongoing harm against women.

We’re told that women have “won” now, that there’s no need for feminism anymore. But feminism is the reason I can vote, hold a job, get an education, have a bank account, or own property. It’s the reason I have any rights at all. And yet we’re told to stop complaining? To be “grateful”?

While women are still dying?
There is a violence epidemic against women. In the UK, a woman is killed by a man every three days. Two women a week are murdered by a current or former partner. This is not rare, not random, and certainly not “just a few bad apples.” It is systemic.

Women are harassed, stalked, assaulted, and murdered — often by men they knew and once trusted. And that doesn’t even touch on the countless women who live under coercive control, with 1.6 million women experiencing domestic abuse in a single year.

Sexual violence is rampant. One in four women are sexually assaulted or raped — and experts say this is a conservative estimate. Rape convictions sit around 1%. Why? Because women lie all the time? No. Because the system is built — rigged — to protect men.

And the lie that gets recycled again and again is that men are the real victims — citing suicide, false accusations, war, and so on.

Let’s break that down.
Yes, more men die by suicide, but women attempt it just as often — sometimes more, depending on the age group.
The difference is that men choose more violent methods, which is itself a reflection of broader male violence patterns. So mental health-wise, we are all suffering. But somehow, only one narrative gets prioritised.

Also men are 230 times more likely to be raped by another man than to be falsely accused by a woman — but it’s our integrity that’s constantly questioned.
Meanwhile, 97% of women aged 18–24 in the UK have experienced sexual harassment, and yet less than 4% reported it. And even within our justice system, women are unsafe — over 1,500 police officers were accused of violence against women and girls between 2017–2020, and only 8% faced any kind of disciplinary action.

Sarah Everard’s murder by a serving officer should have been a turning point. It wasn’t.
We are told to “go into the trades” or “join the military” to prove equality — as though the only barrier is our willingness. There would be more women in those fields if the misogyny and sexual assault weren’t so rampant. Women don’t just fear “the enemy” — they fear every man they come into contact with.

Let’s also talk about the economic side of this. Women still earn 85p for every £1 a man earns in the UK. Women of colour earn even less. Mothers are penalised severely in the workplace — the so-called “motherhood penalty” can cut a woman’s lifetime earnings by up to £100,000. And women are still overrepresented in low-paid, insecure, and unpaid caregiving roles.

Even our bodies are ignored. Women’s medical issues are under-researched, under-diagnosed, and routinely dismissed. It takes 7 to 10 years to be diagnosed with endometriosis. ADHD and autism are often missed entirely in women because the research was done almost exclusively on men.

So yes, I am angry. I am exhausted. And I am done entertaining this backlash against feminism as if it's coming from a place of logic or compassion.

Men are scared women will laugh at them.
Women are scared men will rape and kill them.

Anti-feminism is not a difference of opinion — it’s complicity in violence. We have come so far because of feminism. And we still have so, so far to go.

Pinkissmart · 05/04/2025 12:18

FourEyesGood · 05/04/2025 08:11

Goady title. It’s not feminism making you bitter; it’s misogyny.

This

It's like saying that you're mad at your glasses because you can now see all the rubbish

Fairyliz · 05/04/2025 12:22

arcticpandas · 05/04/2025 08:19

I'm so relieved to have sons tbh because it's so hard to be a woman. It's easier to be equals without children though because once you got children they become more important than fighting for equal rights: you know that if you don't do it noone else will and in the end it's the kids that will suffer from it.

Unfortunately this is how men learn that women will do it all and will always put them first.

TheJollyMoose · 05/04/2025 12:23

What a miserable way to live your life.

TheAmusedQuail · 05/04/2025 12:24

Tradwife365 · 05/04/2025 11:56

I’ve seen this a lot!
it’s very freeing when you accept that women are better and home and family based activities and men are more fit to work.
it all gets harder when you blur these boundaries and start bickering about ‘who does what’

But we're not. We do it because no one else does. I hate domesticity and the way to do less of it is to get rid of men.

I'm a career woman. I love what I do. I hate cleaning, cooking, house/family admin.

MrsTWH · 05/04/2025 12:24

Absolutely agree with everything @FeministUnderTheCatriarchy just said.

I agree with you, OP. The more you see, the more you can’t unsee and the angrier we get. And this is weaponised against us as then you get called “Karen” even though actually you might have legitimate reasons for being angry - and therefore it’s conflated with racism and bigotry to discredit women.

I’m reading “Hags” by Victoria Smith at the moment. Worth a read, if you can bear additional anger!!

MrsTWH · 05/04/2025 12:34

Tradwife365 · 05/04/2025 11:56

I’ve seen this a lot!
it’s very freeing when you accept that women are better and home and family based activities and men are more fit to work.
it all gets harder when you blur these boundaries and start bickering about ‘who does what’

If you’re more suited to it, and you enjoy it - all power to you. Doesn’t mean all women are, or everyone shares your point of view.

To make such a weird, sweeping generalisation that “men are more fit to work” than us - it’s deeply misogynistic, and in my experience, simply not true. How are men more suited to paid work out of the home than women?

Init4thecatz · 05/04/2025 12:35

Once again, classic MN. Rather than addressing the implied topic of this post (I see misogyny everywhere, do others feel the same?) the first hundred replies are having a go at the OP because of issues with the wording.

FOJN · 05/04/2025 12:36

CurlewKate · 05/04/2025 11:45

@FOJNabolutely. The patriarchy is bad for men too-but they really have to step up and start to do something about it. Like women had to.

In the Female Eunuch Germaine Greer said equality for women was a profoundly conservative aim. Second wave feminism was about liberation not equality.

For the average bloke being a man is only marginally less shit than being a woman, why would I set the bar as low as equality?

Waitingfordoggo · 05/04/2025 12:39

I absolutely relate to what you’re saying OP. I’ve been lucky to have had great men in my life, but I am much more cynical now than I once was, now that my eyes have been opened.

SilverDapples · 05/04/2025 12:45

FOJN · 05/04/2025 10:58

Why are mens struggles my problem to fix?

Women aren't causing mens problems unless you believe that women who refuse to make serving men their reason for being are a problem.

This is the kind of attitude that puts women off modern feminism.

A bit of empathy wouldn't go amiss.

Asthma927 · 05/04/2025 12:48

SilverDapples · 05/04/2025 12:45

This is the kind of attitude that puts women off modern feminism.

A bit of empathy wouldn't go amiss.

The oppressed don't usually have empathy with the oppressor.

TheAmusedQuail · 05/04/2025 12:48

SilverDapples · 05/04/2025 12:45

This is the kind of attitude that puts women off modern feminism.

A bit of empathy wouldn't go amiss.

When are equally fired up about rape, maybe that's the point women can be more invested about mens issues?

TheAmusedQuail · 05/04/2025 12:49

Asthma927 · 05/04/2025 12:48

The oppressed don't usually have empathy with the oppressor.

100%

Brefugee · 05/04/2025 12:50

Yourra · 05/04/2025 08:12

@FourEyesGood goady how?!

the post was clear: it is not feminism making you bitter. It is the misogyny of the patriarchy.

can you report your post and ask MN to change the title - or are you sticking with the goady title?

hadenoughofsoftplay · 05/04/2025 12:53

I love hags! I’ve also just read it’s a woman’s world by Stella Beake which was all about how women got so angry with all the violence and discrimination that they took over the world. I liked that too, a lot of reverse situations where men were discriminated against which just highlighted the misogyny that still remains, everywhere.

StumbleInTheDebris · 05/04/2025 12:56

TheAmusedQuail · 05/04/2025 12:24

But we're not. We do it because no one else does. I hate domesticity and the way to do less of it is to get rid of men.

I'm a career woman. I love what I do. I hate cleaning, cooking, house/family admin.

The idea that everyone somehow has one of two specific sets of skills or abilities based on their sex is the sort of muddled uncritical thinking that misogynists promote. I think some of them actually believe it as well.

A lot of it stems from the ubiquitous conflation of culturally "feminine" (whatever that means in your society) with "female", and likewise for "masculine" with "male".

The sooner you (general you!) realise that these are describing different things - body vs character traits - the sooner you see the sexism and harm bound up in it.

FOJN · 05/04/2025 13:00

SilverDapples · 05/04/2025 12:45

This is the kind of attitude that puts women off modern feminism.

A bit of empathy wouldn't go amiss.

My statement has nothing to do with modern feminism at all.

If my refusal to dick pander puts women off feminism it's not my feminism that's the problem.

What good would empathy do? Men have all the power they need to change their own circumstances if they're not happy. In fact they are exceptionally good at taking advantage to benefit themselves, often at women's expense.

clinellwipe · 05/04/2025 13:34

I posted a thread previously (under a different name) about how becoming a mother has made me dislike men. I completely agree with everything you’ve said in your post

C8H10N4O2 · 05/04/2025 13:51

SilverDapples · 05/04/2025 12:45

This is the kind of attitude that puts women off modern feminism.

A bit of empathy wouldn't go amiss.

How about men have a bit of empathy for women and sort out some of the problems of men's making?

Why is it my job to fix men's problems and problems made by men?