My feminism has made me bitter

[Yourra]

At least I think it has. I’m late 30s and grew up in a very traditional home, my dad was in charge generally, mum stayed at home. It wasn’t until I was in my earlier thirties that I really woke up to the misogyny in the world.

My anger towards the patriarchy really took hold when I had my first dc. I was absolutely horrified by some things that went on at work, the way I had to fight with CMS when DD’s dad decided he didn’t want to be a parent anymore.

I am in a new relationship and I am happy but I now see very minor entitled behaviours in every man I come across, even those who would be considered ‘allies.’ My dad is a lovely man but I notice more how the dynamic with my mum was trenched in that patriarchal system.

Now my eyes are open I see it everywhere and honestly it makes me bitter. Not sure why I’m posting really, just wondered if anyone else felt this way.

I find it exhausting. And I am really on edge with DP sometimes as he will often make a comment that he doesn’t even seem to realise is deeply misogynistic. He’s not a bad man and he does mean well but it’s just exhausting. And I would consider him one of the good ones!

Fucking hell. A woman posts about her feminist awakening and is told that her wording somehow plays into the hands of the incels.

How about not putting the responsibility of how a group of dysfunctional men behave on the shoulders of a woman? How about not policing her language to appease the men?

(I get you, OP.)

I think my son has picked up on this (11) and I'm happy he doesn't identify with his dad because he tells me he doesn't want to have children because it's so much work😅. Rather have him realising this early so that if he does have children one day he knows what's at stake.

I've been single for 13 years and don't feel bitter - not sure if the two are correlated!

ThEre seems to be a risk with the growing awareness - that you feel increasingly helpless - but you aren't, you are resilient and strong.

I'm not saying the system doesn't need to change but it changes through - policy calls to action, awareness raising, speaking up, sharing experiences and supporting each other.

Your mistake is thinking some men are allies. There aren't any and I'm suspicious of those who say they are.

It really is everywhere. Men expecting to be given way on the pavement, in supermarket aisles, on the roads, in the car park, at work.

I try to be aware and stand my ground, but I often just move so I can get to where I’m going, which the men take as their rightful due.

And then at home they have to be pushed to do their share.

Better to be angry and challenging misogyny than blind, accepting and passive.

Yes, I used to watch my ex in his online meetings (WFH) and how supportive and encouraging he was of new young female colleagues to the workplace. Considered a great ally. Saying all the right things at women in leadership sessions.

But at home he was sexist and saw women as a means to serve him.

This! And not bitter …… ANGRY!!

That’s the really tricky bit isn’t it? My standards are so high no man would pass them now (not even OH, he’s lucky I love him), and if I’m entirely honest neither would a lot of women, as there’s a lot of internalised misogyny going round.

Frankly, I’ve settled (and accepted that) for decent and that helps overall, but every now and then that does still piss me off.

This.

I don't remember not noticing it. Even as a little kid in the 1980s it annoyed me that girls were thought to be weaker or not able to do certain things, which was certainly not how I felt. I knew it long before I learned the words to express it.

Beautifully articulated, thank you 😍

I feel the same as the OP. I'm considerably older though; it just took much longer for my awakening to land with me 😚

I think life experiences definitely opens your eyes to the amount of misogyny that exists in our society.

What really horrified and upset me was the backlash I got from other women when I separated from my ex husband.

My ex husband is a lazy, entitled, selfish piece of work, admittedly outwardly charming, but women who I considered friends jumped to his defense. I was told they 'were on his side' which he manipulated to his advantage. I left the group. My DM told me 'I got rid of him and he'd done nothing wrong'. She knew how selfish he was.

He hasn't seen our daughter for over ten years now, not unexpected. I wonder what those women would think now. Probably blame me.

I always give other women the benefit of the doubt. Some woman do the opposite.

I hear you, OP. I understand why people are prickly about the wording of your post, because it plays into the narrative trope that feminists have are just a bunch of bitter women, implying that our own internal unhappiness is the source of our anger, not the rank unfairness of the whole fucking world order. It diminishes the power of women’s political awakening. So yeah, it’s misogyny making you bitter, not feminism!

But I agree, I’m afraid the older I get the more angry and bitter I feel. I despair of anything ever really changing at a foundational level - especially when the whole thing is propped up by ‘good’ men who are totally oblivious to their privilege, women’s own internalised misogyny, and now the rise of the ‘men’s rights’ movement, incel culture, fundamentalist religion and ubiquitous violent pornography.

I honestly believe that continual roll back of women’s rights to bodily autonomy and to define themselves by biological sex in terms of protected spaces and organisations, sports and healthcare will ultimately see our daughters more disadvantaged than our mothers. But I’ll keep howling at the moon regardless. Gotta put that rage somewhere!

Exactly this. 💯

When I was a new young work colleague men were always super supportive. How they hung in my every word and nodded along enthusiastically. Wow naive me thought, they must think I’m really good.

now I’m middle aged & no longer considered fuckable though much much better at my job oddly enough make colleagues are no longer interested & enthusiastic about my thoughts & ideas.

Meant to add (and too late to edit), even I fall short of my own standards sometimes. I can’t even think about my younger years without cringing and wanting to kick myself for some of the stupid bs I spouted.

I hear you, OP. It is hard to see it all and sometimes it feels life would be so much easier if the blinkers were still on. But it would be a life that you didn't get to live fully for yourself. I felt very angry for a long time, but I used that anger to make decisions and changes for myself. I have very few men in my life, I'm happily single, I am raising my dc to understand the patriarchy, and I work for an organisation that has a strong underlying anti-patriarchal raison d'etre where I am helping women find their agency every day. I am surrounded by great women friends. I detach from it on a personal level and just go about living my peaceful life (though obviously that isn't completely possible and is easier once you're nearly 50 and largely invisible to men).

I have a pre-teen dd though, so I fully expect my rage to return soon.

Yes, but she should really have said misogyny, not feminism.

Because feminism isn't the problem.

Yeah it’s not the feminism it’s the patriarchy you want.

My feminism hasn’t made me bitter at all. It’s opened my eyes to the reasons underpinning a lot of my previous insecurities. It’s given me balls of steel and an ability to separate what I actually want from what society tells me I should want.

If feminism makes you feel like this you’re not doing it right.

Some men are. But they're generally not the ones who tell you they are.

The ones who tell you they are hope you will hear their words and not see their actions or don't see fault in some of the things they say/do because they're on our side and so there can't be anything wrong with them saying x, y, z because that bit is just natural law/common sense.

The ones who are true allies are the ones who are open to listening and open to changing their viewpoint or position.

Because we all grow up in misogyny. But because it affects women directly, we are more likely to see it but many don't until they have a first child or receive comments in the workplace etc because, until then, they accept it as much as anyone else. And some never see it at all.

I don't do " relaxed and cheerful" , or at least only on rare occasions. I would dearly love to.

I think I agree with you that life experiences are the key to your outlook on life.
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But once you see the world for what it is I do think being a feminist takes away the ability to pretend there is much to be cheerful about. Speaking personally of course.

Whether or not you agree with the choice of words in the title, op's post is very clear in it's meaning. I thought we were supposed to be on the same side here. Instead we get people pedantically picking each other apart for the sake of a couple of accidental mischosen words 🙄

No, it's not being pedantic. Read the title, it does appear to be goady, so people challenged it. The meaning has become clear, but that clarity was important.