DH put chili in my food AGAIN

[BelloItalia]

Ok I may be over reacting as I’m unwell and stressed but I’m so fucking angry

DH has this habit of putting chili in everything - despite the fact that I don’t like spicy food. He doesn’t even like spicy food himself, he’s one of these people that pretends to like it. It’s infuriating.

He loves to cook chicken on the BBQ - and it’s always a spicy jerk chicken coating mixed with ghost chilis etc. I’ve said I don’t like it, he says I do (don’t even get me started on that one). Everytime he says he’s doing chicken I always say “don’t do jerk chicken as I don’t want chili” he replies “don’t worry, I won’t make it spicy” - it’s always spicy.

When he cooks burgers he insists on making this spicy mayo stuff with jalepenos (I know that’s spent wrong, auto correct is in Italian and I can’t be bothered). I always say don’t put it on mine, he always does. Last time I said “if mine has any chili on it I won’t be eating it”. For once he didn’t put any on. I made a point of saying how lovely it was etc

So tonight he’s making burgers and I said “remember, no chili on mine). He said “ok”

My burger had chili on it. I said “why have you put chili on it??” He said “I havnt” I said I can taste it!” He said “no you can’t” (fucking infuriating!!!!)

never mind tasting it - I could literally see it!!!

WTF does he do this? I’m more wound up than usual as he’s been a twat all night. Picking me up when he knows I’m suffering bad period I pains, going on and on about my glasses - he’s such a dick when he’s drinking.

anyway - the food thing - AIBU to. E actually livid about it this time?

So rather than dump her twat of a husband, or make it clear that she will dump him if he continues to treat her this way, she should just accept the fact that she can't ever expect him to cook a meal for the two of them, because she can't trust him not to deliberately put things in it that he knows she hates?! Right...

My Dad does this to my Mum. They have an otherwise good 40+ year marriage but she's always asking him not to put something in her food and then he does and worse still denies it afterwards. I think the lying afterwards is almost worse really particularly the gas-lighting nature of "no, you can't taste/see it/believe your own senses". I agree that it is a milder form of emotional abuse/misogyny.

I'd either revert back to the "If it has chilli in it, I won't be eating it" or just say 'I'll make mine" but do wonder about his other behaviours towards you and how much you should tolerate. I would at least insist on an apology when he's sober for lifting you when you're in pain (maybe describing it as 'chronic being-kicked-in-the-balls-pain and would like me to demonstrate what that feels like DH?!') and possibly suggest marriage counselling over the lifting you when you're in pain issue.

You spelled hate wrong.

Why are you still giving him house room?

Why on earth did he pick you up?

My ex used to make me really milky tea the whole time, even though I hated milky tea. He was convinced I would 'get used to it' because 'it's nicer' and then eventually started telling me 'you like it really'.

I broke up with him. My life is better now!

He gets a kick out of upsetting and hurting you. It's torture on a small scale including gaslighting you about the chillies He is a horrible, cruel man inside and his true nature comes out when he drinks. It is likely to escalate. Please leave him before it does.

So, I am assuming you communicated these dislikes to him... what is his response (apart from the chilli situation) ? Does he acknowledge, or is he dismissive? Because that's gaslighting... making you believe that you're the weird one and making you feel uncomfortable and doubting yourself is not on.
Put an ultimatum on the table and part ways if he doesn't keep up his end of bargain..

There’s nothing ‘mild’ SBOUT yhis firm of abuse.

imagind 40 years of being told you can’t trust your own opinion/preferences/ideas/thoughts/senses and imagind what it does to a person if they cang escape.

There’s no ‘mild’ about it. It’s insidious. Malignant. And reduces a person to nothing that is easily controlled.

Physical abuse is just the tip of yhd iceberg. Controlling a persons sense of self worth and belief is the lynchpin.

Wow. Was he deliberately horrible or just so, so stupid that he genuinely didn't understand that liking foods and drinks is down to individual taste, rather than things being inherently and universally 'nicer'? Either way, good on you for getting rid of him!

OP, please don’t listen to all the posters telling you retaliate. I remember you posts from last time and I honestly do t think you’re safe with this man.

I'm a bit boggled by the spicy mayo on the burger. Doesn't he allow you to put your own mayo on your burger? I mean, I've always served burgers without dressing so that people can add their own, how is he covering your burger with spicy mayo??

Does he only do this when he is drinking or just generally? Do you have DC with this specimen?

You're not unreasonable. I have a husband that likes spicy foods and fortunately he mostly puts chilli sauce of some type on his food. Although that's annoying too if I've spent ages making a recipe and he doesn't even try it as it's supposed to be eaten.

Actually when I went back and re-read, I realised I meant to write ‘the women they are supposed to love’. But I like your version better, it’s more accurate.

OP you need to take a chili pill and relax

Do you yhink it’s ok for a partner to force their preferences into their partner to the point of telling them that they like it really? And getting shitty if they don’t?

That's rich coming from the spice maiden.

It’s not really funny to joke about low-level abuse and control though, is it?

YABU for not liking chilli!

agreed, except gif the low level part. Day in day out gaslighting isn't lie level. By the time we get to physical violence yhd insidious shit (gaslighting, coercive control) has been going on for years.

Yes, you’re absolutely right actually and I did say further upthread I didn’t think she was safe with him so I don’t know why I called it low-level!

That’s me with my husband except it’s garlic. I would never cook for him with garlic

Does he do all the cooking OP, as if not, EVERY time you cook put a hefty dose of laxative in his portion. It'll doubtless take him a while to put 2 and 2 together, by which time, hopefully you will have got your ducks in a row, and be ready to leave.

What an arsehole of a man he is!