DH put chili in my food AGAIN

[BelloItalia]

Ok I may be over reacting as I’m unwell and stressed but I’m so fucking angry

DH has this habit of putting chili in everything - despite the fact that I don’t like spicy food. He doesn’t even like spicy food himself, he’s one of these people that pretends to like it. It’s infuriating.

He loves to cook chicken on the BBQ - and it’s always a spicy jerk chicken coating mixed with ghost chilis etc. I’ve said I don’t like it, he says I do (don’t even get me started on that one). Everytime he says he’s doing chicken I always say “don’t do jerk chicken as I don’t want chili” he replies “don’t worry, I won’t make it spicy” - it’s always spicy.

When he cooks burgers he insists on making this spicy mayo stuff with jalepenos (I know that’s spent wrong, auto correct is in Italian and I can’t be bothered). I always say don’t put it on mine, he always does. Last time I said “if mine has any chili on it I won’t be eating it”. For once he didn’t put any on. I made a point of saying how lovely it was etc

So tonight he’s making burgers and I said “remember, no chili on mine). He said “ok”

My burger had chili on it. I said “why have you put chili on it??” He said “I havnt” I said I can taste it!” He said “no you can’t” (fucking infuriating!!!!)

never mind tasting it - I could literally see it!!!

WTF does he do this? I’m more wound up than usual as he’s been a twat all night. Picking me up when he knows I’m suffering bad period I pains, going on and on about my glasses - he’s such a dick when he’s drinking.

anyway - the food thing - AIBU to. E actually livid about it this time?

Honestly, OP, this isn't on. And the fact he's repeating the behaviour means he's getting a kick out of doing it. This isn't normal or healthy.

The second he did that to me would have been the last time.

He sounds like a complete idiot. Because HE likes something then it must be completely obvious that absolutely EVERYONE likes it and you're just saying you don't like it because... because... nope, I'm out of ideas on that.

Although, to add another perspective, I had an X who would accuse me of putting cheese in everything. Mashed potato, sauces, everything, he would taste it and stare at me and say 'is there cheese in this?' (He would only eat cheese if it was orange. Yes, I know.) I would answer 'why would I waste cheese on you when you don't like it?' And then he'd glare at me and mutter that 'it tastes of cheese...'

He didn't even dislike cheese, he just wouldn't eat it if it wasn't orange.

At this point, I would have to assume that he enjoys upsetting you.

You: "I don't like this."

Your abuser: "Yes you do."

It's that simple, OP. Anyone who routinely denies your thoughts and feelings and opinions is bullying and gaslighting you.

You can choose not to be in an intimate relationship with someone who treats you with contempt.

Leave. His behaviour is getting steadily worse and he has no respect for your boundaries and seems to enjoy hurting you, putting you in discomfort, and in particularly having power over you.

How do you see this playing out long term?

Why does he do it? Simple - because he's a twat who thinks that his opinions and preferences are always more valid and important than yours, even over silly cooking decisions that he could so easily just avoid. Why are you still with him?

As a child I had to live with a man who treated me with contempt. It was horrible that I had no choice but to put up with it, as I was just a child.

As an adult I don't have to put up with that shit, so I WON'T. And neither should you. You deserve better than this.

He knows. He absolutely knows. He’s doing it on purpose.

OP, we can’t tell you some magic thing that will fix this. You need to end the relationship.

My DH hates chilli. I feel really upset at the idea of trying to force it on him, because he is my partner and I don’t want to be unkind to him.

is he doing this in front of other people? He is doing barbeques, so are you saying he only does this ghost pepper coated things on the bbq and nothing else?

What strategies have you tried? He seems to be a bit of a moron with a juvenile sense of humour that is mainly about upsetting you to entertain himself.
The most obvious thing to say is divorce him because he sounds insufferable, but I think id have to try 'grey rock' technique in the meantime.
If he is doing a barbeque, id make a point of doing my own food and not eating anything he makes. Dont make a big deal. Just say none for me please, im sorting my own. If he questions it, tell him that you find it both stressful and wasteful to have the same thing every time he cooks, and since youve explained it again and again without him understanding you, that you would rather just sort your own food and have a nice time, but thanks for the offer.

Treat it like an annoying colleague that you have to keep the peace with, but you arent going along with his games. Dont argue, just dont eat it.

Maybe he will get bored

I wouldnt do the same back to him by putting chillis in his food, because then youre joining in the game.
Also these super hot chillis can damage the stomach lining, so its not ok to do this to people

How do you know he doesn’t like it hot?

The picking you up thing is abuse and quite ominous, he is showing you he has control over you physically even if you protest or say no. The good thing for isn’t far off, he ignores your want/desires and controls what you can consume. You haven’t explained the glasses things but based on his other actions it probably isn’t good.

Bit extreme…

if your DH didn’t like spice, he wouldn’t eat it.

He doesn't care about you or your happiness

He might, if he were the kind of idiot whose toxic masculinity made him think it was weak not to like spicy food.

Read Lundy Bancroft - “Why does he do that”

All will become clear and you’ll not be able to unsee everything you’ve probably ignored / not understood about his abusive behaviour. I suspect it runs a lot deeper than the chilli.

These threads usually start with he’s a great husband but xxx and then as it develops it all comes pouring out and he’s a shit abusive husband.

I’ve been there.

This man does not care about you to behave like that.

He sounds like a prick.
I don’t recall a previous thread as some of the other posters have, so have you posted about him before?

What’s the glasses thing?

Also in vino veritas

Have you posted about this idiot before?

LTB

Throw the food in the bin and dh straight after it. He's a wanker.

If he’s cooking just tell him not to cook for you.

What positives does he bring to the relationship OP? How often does he make you feel loved, secure and happy?

He doesn't like you much, does he?

You deserve better.