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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH put chili in my food AGAIN

194 replies

BelloItalia · 04/04/2025 23:18

Ok I may be over reacting as I’m unwell and stressed but I’m so fucking angry

DH has this habit of putting chili in everything - despite the fact that I don’t like spicy food. He doesn’t even like spicy food himself, he’s one of these people that pretends to like it. It’s infuriating.

He loves to cook chicken on the BBQ - and it’s always a spicy jerk chicken coating mixed with ghost chilis etc. I’ve said I don’t like it, he says I do (don’t even get me started on that one). Everytime he says he’s doing chicken I always say “don’t do jerk chicken as I don’t want chili” he replies “don’t worry, I won’t make it spicy” - it’s always spicy.

When he cooks burgers he insists on making this spicy mayo stuff with jalepenos (I know that’s spent wrong, auto correct is in Italian and I can’t be bothered). I always say don’t put it on mine, he always does. Last time I said “if mine has any chili on it I won’t be eating it”. For once he didn’t put any on. I made a point of saying how lovely it was etc

So tonight he’s making burgers and I said “remember, no chili on mine). He said “ok”

My burger had chili on it. I said “why have you put chili on it??” He said “I havnt” I said I can taste it!” He said “no you can’t” (fucking infuriating!!!!)

never mind tasting it - I could literally see it!!!

WTF does he do this? I’m more wound up than usual as he’s been a twat all night. Picking me up when he knows I’m suffering bad period I pains, going on and on about my glasses - he’s such a dick when he’s drinking.

anyway - the food thing - AIBU to. E actually livid about it this time?

OP posts:
justasking111 · 05/04/2025 00:31

ThinWomansBrain · 05/04/2025 00:08

next time you cook, prepare separately, put soooooo much chilli in his that he is ill.
After all, you thought he liked chilli.

I was thinking salt or senakots 👹

ApricotScone · 05/04/2025 00:35

This is abusive and gaslighting behaviour. Do you really want to stay with a partner who shows you such contempt and malice?

PluckyBamboo · 05/04/2025 00:48

My DH used to put far too much chilli in stuff (and salt). There is something wrong with him though as he doesn't think Vindaloo is spicy...

I made a point of not eating it and making myself something like toast, just pushed the plate away left it. It took a while but he eventually realised I won't eat it and he now keeps the chilli out of it, he cooks chillies in a separate frying pan to cook it and throws it on his plate like a garnish 😆.

Thunderpants88 · 05/04/2025 00:54

Make him dinner.

Lace it with the hottest chilis you can find (scotch bonnet or Naga) put 5/6 in there and make yours separately without any.

Serve it and see how he likes it. When it blows his face off say “now you know how I feel. Every time you put chilli in my food against my will I will do this to your next meal. You have been warned.”

HeySnoodie · 05/04/2025 01:31

Hide the chilli

CassandrasCastle · 05/04/2025 01:40

I remember this from an earlier thread!

ThinWomansBrain · 05/04/2025 01:40

justasking111 · 05/04/2025 00:31

I was thinking salt or senakots 👹

Show quote history

best try all three😂

Meadowfinch · 05/04/2025 02:30

When he behaves like this, refuse to take part. If he gives you food with chilli in, put it in the bin and make yourself a sandwich.

If he picks you up, remove yourself from the situation. Go for a walk or go to sleep in the spare room.

Reinforce over and over that you have no interest in being with him when he behaves like a shit.

If he doesn't stop bullying you - which this is, leave.

PyongyangKipperbang · 05/04/2025 02:50

You know he is a complete arsehole, you have known this for a while now so what do you want us to say?

That its ok to get rid of him? Because it IS OK TO GET RID OF HIM. He isnt kind or loving or thoughtful. He is deliberately mean, nasty and provocative.

Is there another reason why you are so reluctant?

SusanSHelit · 05/04/2025 03:01

Op my ex did this sort of thing to me too, specifically making my food too spicy.

It eventually escalated to him dragging me across the room by the throat so hard I had red marks and a hoarse voice the next day. I left the morning after and haven't looked back since.

You deserve better than this. My ex wasn't horrible or an arse all of the time either. That's how they keep you hooked and questioning yourself.

There is a better life for you out there, one where people respect your boundaries and your food is tasty!

Starseeking · 05/04/2025 03:19

Sorry OP, it doesn’t sound like your DH likes you very much. I might even go so far as to say he hates you, and gets some sort of a perverse pleasure out of seeing you upset. I bet he doesn’t put unwanted chilli in anyone else’s food.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 05/04/2025 03:28

BelloItalia · 04/04/2025 23:29

He’s not normally this bad (apart from the chilli thing which is a long term thing) but tonight he’s just been awful. I actually thought abusive too but I thought I might be over reacting. He knows I’m pissed off (the glasses thing tipped me over the edge - it started with the picking me up, then talking to me in a shitty way, then the chilli thing and finished off with the glasses. He’s trying to be nice now but I’m fucking annoyed.

No, he's a dick. He does. Not. Respect. You.
The question is, what are you gonna do?

Ohdearieme2025 · 05/04/2025 04:15

Sounds like he takes pleasure out of upsetting you, which gives me the creeps.

Starlight7080 · 05/04/2025 04:25

I'm sure you have posted before.
This does sound really weird and mean
And he probably started being nice later in the evening for sex
My dh goes out of his way to cook meals I like . That's what a loving partner does.
Yours sounds like he enjoys being you in discomfort or angry .

Poppins21 · 05/04/2025 04:26

My husband doesn’t eat garlic. I love garlic. I don’t cook with garlic anymore unless he is away (I must really love this man). When I cook it is to show love towards who I am feeding and keeping alive - so I always adapt to the people I am cooking for. I find your husbands behaviour really strange and controlling and as other people have said this will just escalate into more control and abuse. Do you have people to help in the real world as you need to be safe?

CuriousGeorge80 · 05/04/2025 04:29

He’s a cunt. Short term I would just tell him I was never eating the food he cooks again, and mean it. I would also stop giving a fuck about whether he likes the food I cook, just cook whatever you like. Long term I would leave him.

Miaowzabella · 05/04/2025 05:03

Why are you with someone who deliberately tries to upset you?

Swiftie1878 · 05/04/2025 05:07

Katemax82 · 04/04/2025 23:53

I remember too, last time it was cheesy potatoes

Show quote history

Does OP do any of the cooking?…

You sound unhappy, OP. Time to fix that, because no one else will.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 05/04/2025 05:38

Does he have any good qualities?

It's easy to dismiss putting chilli on your burger as a minor irritation and people here aren't probably going to rush to tell you to LTB.

But what it says about his attitude towards you in general is not good. He's basically telling you that you either have to eat things you don't like or you have to cook your own separate meals, which will cost you time and money and create a disconnect between you as you then live more like housemates who cook and eat separately than a loving couple.

Being in a relationship is supposed to make your life easier and nicer than being single. Otherwise, there's really not a lot of point being in one.

My husband and I have two children under 4 and we both work full time. We are tired and preoccupied a lot of the time and my husband in particular can get very irritable. We don't always have a lot of time to connect as a couple. But that's precisely what makes the little things so important. When he brings me a coffee in bed in the morning, it's because he wants to make getting up a little easier for me. When he shops for and cooks a nice meal, it's because he wants to nourish and take care of our family. When I go through the odd sock bag and try to reunite his separated socks, it's because I care. Without our days being peppered with these small kindnesses towards each other, I don't think we would be happy together.

I can't get my head around a man deliberately making food he knows isn't to his wife's taste and then trying to gaslight her about it.

RobinHeartella · 05/04/2025 05:45

If this is the same poster with the cheesy mash, I think I remember that thread and she had kids if I recall correctly.

The food isn't even the worst bit. He picks you up when you don't want that? That is physically overpowering you. That's him showing you he's stronger than you so he can do something to your body whether you like it or not.

I'd be frightened of him in your position and take steps to get away. Obviously not simple with kids if you have them

Bitethehandthatfeedsyou · 05/04/2025 06:00

I hate this for you. I hate cloves and my ex used to try and sneak them into food all the time seemingly as some sort of ‘gotcha’ so when he did manage to put them in something and I didn’t notice he’d go on and on about it. He was such a dick.

Poppins21 · 05/04/2025 06:01

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 05/04/2025 05:38

Does he have any good qualities?

It's easy to dismiss putting chilli on your burger as a minor irritation and people here aren't probably going to rush to tell you to LTB.

But what it says about his attitude towards you in general is not good. He's basically telling you that you either have to eat things you don't like or you have to cook your own separate meals, which will cost you time and money and create a disconnect between you as you then live more like housemates who cook and eat separately than a loving couple.

Being in a relationship is supposed to make your life easier and nicer than being single. Otherwise, there's really not a lot of point being in one.

My husband and I have two children under 4 and we both work full time. We are tired and preoccupied a lot of the time and my husband in particular can get very irritable. We don't always have a lot of time to connect as a couple. But that's precisely what makes the little things so important. When he brings me a coffee in bed in the morning, it's because he wants to make getting up a little easier for me. When he shops for and cooks a nice meal, it's because he wants to nourish and take care of our family. When I go through the odd sock bag and try to reunite his separated socks, it's because I care. Without our days being peppered with these small kindnesses towards each other, I don't think we would be happy together.

I can't get my head around a man deliberately making food he knows isn't to his wife's taste and then trying to gaslight her about it.

Spot on it’s the small everyday things that show love.

Azureshores · 05/04/2025 06:04

He's a bully. He enjoys having power over you physically and mentally. Physically manhandling you when he knows you're feeling ill is his way of showing you he can overpower you and that is what he's doing with the cooking too - trying to control you and literally showing you that you must submit to his ideas and what HE wants bc he'll just ride roughshod over your feelings anyway. Then when you push back he resorts to childish name calling to presumably try to make you feel paranoid about your glasses?
Gaslighting on this scale (literally telling you that actually you DO like something that you've told him you don't) is extremely insidious.

You have to ask yourself why he's doing this? And none of the answers are good.

BigHeadBertha · 05/04/2025 06:08

Ugh. He sounds highly unappealing. Get rid of him.

RobinHeartella · 05/04/2025 06:14

It was mustard actually. Mustard in the mash. I can't find it though.