AIBU to expect my son to visit once a month?

[LindPat]

My son moved in with his girlfriend about 10 months ago now. For the first 2 months he happily came up to us every week for the family takeaway night on a Friday, we have always done it, she would usually come with him. Then this decreased to every other week and she would come one out of the 2. It then went to just once a month which I did think was due to her having an influence as she stopped coming at all and will only come down for birthdays and events but my son has just said how he isn’t going to be coming up for the family takeaway night at all now and plans to just come when it’s the events and birthdays and then maybe if he really feels like it he might come for it but to not expect it anymore. I’m personally really unhappy with this, we hold strong family values and are a close family, his girlfriend less so which is why I think a lot comes from her. We live a 50 minute drive away from each other now and he says it’s too long after work to come for it, but it was only once a month which I don’t think is too much to put yourself out for. AIBU?

That's nearly 2 hours driving to come for a takeaway that he could order at home. If your so close as a family why do you never offer to go to him? In which case you could arrive shortly after he gets in from work and save him a lot of driving. As a parent you are just as capable of visiting your child as expecting them to come to you.

Have I denied that? If you like your family, then great. This is about families having expectations that they should spend time together. If they like each other, they will all want to spend time together and the subject won't come up.

Absolutely not. Sounds awful.

I wouldn't be happy travelling nearly a 2 hour round trip after work just for a takeaway, especially not on a weekly basis and on a Friday. He’s moved out now and maybe he wants to start a Friday night tradition with his girlfriend, maybe he wants to meet up with nearby friends, relax after working all week etc. I wouldn’t push it too much as I think it’ll just distance him further. Like others have said I think offering to do a monthly meal on a day that he’s not working and offer to take turns hosting or meet at a restaurant half way so nobody is doing the full drive?

OP I think you do have extremely high expectations and your family seems very enmeshed. Obviously this works for your family and you enjoy it but this is very much not the norm. Do you have any friends or social contact outside your family because I feel like you would know this if you did?

You have given up everything in your life to be a support for your family but you have to understand that's your choice and again it would be very unusual to never work and be running all over the place taking care of extended family your whole life. To have no career, friends or hobbies outside of extended family seems like such a shame.

Your sons gf is more on the normal side of how often people see extended family, I only see cousins once a year max and I was raised with them but we all grew up and moved away and met friends and had families. I think you may need to seriously adjust how you think about things cause for most people marrying into a family that are that close and expect that much of each other would have them running a mile. So essentially your family is the odd one here, not your DILs.

15 people in one place may not be a lot for you, but it would be for me, and my boyfriend knows that, no way he would expect me to deal with that knowing it would make me anxious

Is just can’t imagine wanting to be around 15 people every week for a Friday night dinner.

Crimble crumble indeed. Friday night neither want to chill or be out out. Not with cousin Mary, uncle John, granny Debra, grandpa James and so on.

I can’t imagine growing up where that happened every Friday, plus all those birthdays, anniversary parties, Christmas, weddings and a yearly holiday. 😮

I get op says that’s how they are but seems nobodies stopped to think that maybe that’s not how son is and now he can his breaking free just as other younger cousins may once old enough.

The thing is though that OP only socialises with her family. She hasn't worked since she she got married which is very unusual these days so she has no experience of meeting people with different backgrounds and personalities and having to work with these people. She hasn't had to criticise and accept criticism herself, make compromises, meet deadlines and juggle work and family life.

Her world is very small and she seems to resent that her son and his girlfriend lead a very different sort of life and keeps trying to pull him back in. When he resists, she blames his girlfriend's influence. Her expectations are unrealistic.

You may not see it as a lot, but if they work full time that only leaves like 8 days a month to do everything - errands, house jobs, hobbies, spend time together as a couple, socialise with friends, see both families and actually possibly get some rest, before heading back to work. If you think about it, that's a huge amount to do in a short amount of time. If it's an almost two hour round trip too, that adds to the time investment. Most adults are completely burnt-out trying to juggle everything and keep everyone happy. Meet in the middle - you go to them once month, he comes to you as often as able.

We used to go to the in-laws for Christmas and there were 19 of us and it was just noisy, chaotic and tbh it wasn’t fun. Glad we only did it once a year.

oncant imagine bein expected to do it every weekend. On a Friday after work I just want home for a shower, my jammies on dinner and a glass of wine in my own home , not traipsing across country to have a take away.

It's hard I know. Mine is 21 and I've only seen her twice since Xmas - and she lives closer than your ds. She's really busy though - final year of Uni so a lot of studying, part time jobs, boyfriend, various trips etc. We whatsapp most days so I hear about what's she up to. I miss not seeing her so often, but she's now an adult off living her best life - which is exactly what I want for her. I'm just looking forward to the point I'm no longer subsidising it :)

He's making his own way in life, his gf is now his family, yes your still his parents, but they have things to do themselves. My family live 15 minutes away and havnt had a meal with them since Christmas, we speak on the phone, but they have things to do, they work, have gardening, housework, washing etc just the same as everyone but are also at work full time so after work want to eat and relax, not be expected to drive almost an hour, eat a takeaway then drive almost an hour home. Driving when tired is also dangerous. Let them visit when they want to, they will be happier so it will be much nicer.

Omg I couldn't bear the routine of that, the monotony of knowing where I'll be for the next Saturday until god knows when and you clearly are hoping your children will do the same when the time comes....argh!!!!

@Gardenhaurs to be fair, we do miss a lot of Saturdays when we can't be bothered and want some space.. regarding my boys and girls in the future. I wouldn't expect it especially not with children etc and life.

I just hope that if they live nearby they would actively choose to visit monthly at-least because they want to, not an obligation!

Both the joy and tragedy of being a parent is that you watch this brilliant creature grow up and encourage them and thrill at their every development, and yet everything they ever do, from day one on, is about moving away from their dependence on you. And everything you do must encourage them to do that. It’s the ultimate aim isn’t it, to watch with heartbreaking joy as they spread their wings and fly.
You will never love anyone more than your own child, it is one of those things people always say, and something you can never understand - for all that people tell you - until you experience it yourself.
But you have to let them go. It’s the final part of all that went before. And then something else happens, if you are lucky and if you don’t push too hard for it - which, as hard as it might be to hear these comments is all that anyone wants for you - they come back. Not fully. And no one would want that, but after a while, when they feel more secure in their growing up and that they have started living their own independent lives, they then start to remember how much their parents mean to them.
But, as everyone has said, trying to force that never works. You have to let it happen. Again, others have said this, but it doesn’t mean you cannot leave doors open and make opportunities. Just leave the rigid rules out.
Others have pointed too to your attitude to the girlfriend. Saying you like her BUT she’s very opinionated, is actually saying, ‘I can’t stand this horrible woman who is stealing my little boy away and daring to stand up to me’.
It isn’t her, it’s your son and it’s you.
One more thing: you keep mentioning the 15 family members as a block to your seeing your son in other ways. They do not need to be there. Perhaps your son wants to actually spend some time with his mummy, perhaps he wants to talk to you and be with you, without loud cousin Fred making jokes or seedy Uncle Roger trying to make dirty comments to his girlfriend (or whatever the family dynamic is). Sure, you’d like him to see his grandparents- again, he will if you don’t force it, and again do the other extended family need to be there? Most of us find these sorts of family events hard enough for the odd wedding and funeral, once a week or once a month is full on.
And besides, I worry that really your concern is how you and your son are perceived by this wider group. If it were only about your son then you wouldn’t be saying that you could visit his, but you’re not sure how all 15 would make it up there… this is not about the extended family, it’s not about the girlfriend, it’s about you and your son.

@MumbleBumbleAppleCrumble - you are absolutely right. I remember saying, when ds1 moved from Glasgow to Kent for work, that I was so proud and happy that he was spreading his wings and starting his new, independent life - but why couldn't he do it without leaving home!! It was largely in jest, but there was a bit of truth there - a bit of a pang at seeing my eldest move so far away.

But I swallowed those feelings and concentrated on feeling proud of him and happy for him, because that was what mattered.

You're expecting too much. Nice to get together at Christmas, Easter, birthdays if possible.
Meet in a pub half way for Sunday lunch every couple months or so.

I don't think anyone has said anywhere that the OPs son has to break away completely from his family 🙄. Him beginning to have his own life with a girlfriend, work and friends outside of the family is completely normal and healthy.

I see these posts crop up time and time again with this belief that "family and ONLY family" stops people being lonely in old age. I work in adult social care and this couldn't be further from the truth. I've met elderly people from all family sizes and it doesn't stop them from being lonely. In fact the some of the least lonely elderly people I've met have been the ones that don't have children but are actively involved in their communities and have good links with friends and neighbours. The ones that have been completely enmeshed with their families tend to be the most lonely given children and other extended family members move away, work full time, have families of their own, die off etc and they don't have the extended network a community can bring.

Anyway I digress. Like most people OP, no one thinks your unreasonable to want to see your son. It's expectation and lack of flexibility and your own rigidity in your plans that is completely unrealistic.

Why does EVERY Friday have to be takeaway night with the same 15 people? You mention you can't go visit him as all 15 people would have to come to? Why on earth is that? The world won't stop turning if you miss a few of these takeaway nights. It all sounds completely stifling and suffocating. That all occasions have to include all these relatives, that there can't be any flexibility or change.

Your son is a young man in his 20s. It's absolutely normal and in fact healthy for him to want a life outside of his extended family however close he is to them.To want more from his life, have more experiences and have his life broadened than spending every Friday having a takeaway with the same people. I find it sad you don't count the time he spent with your on mother's day or any other occasions as meaningful.

Yes it's good to be close to extended family but how enmeshed you are and having no life or friends outside the same 15 people isn't healthy or normal. Taking BIL to work every day isn't normal or picking your nephew up from uni regularly isn't either. Are these family members are not independent or able to arrange travel themselves?

I find it sad you have no life outside this extended family. Your life isn't just going to exist with these same people indefinitely. The younger generation like your son and cousins will grow up and develop new relationships and form their own families and traditions. Older relatives will eventually die. Where does that leave you then? Definitely finding a hobby or job outside this bubble would be a healthy thing for you.

I've just read more of the OP posts. The OP expects her son to travel the best part of an hour every time to meet her but is only prepared herself to travel with her DH once a month to where her son lives.

There has to be give and take. It seems the OP wants everything to be on terms with absolutely no consideration to what her son wants. Why does every time you need to see him, need to involve all your extended family? You say you have "strong family values" but there seems to be little effort on your part of actually visiting your son yourself or facilitating time with him and just you and your DH? I'd feel completely overwhelmed if every time I just wanted to see my parents it had to include 13 or so other people. Even mothers day seems to be some gigantic family affair.

you are saying it like this is new. I am 70 and moved away far from my home town for work with my DH. My sibs did the same. We stayed close to our parents but certainly didn't see them once a month. edit, sorry I quoted the wrong post, I meant to quote this one
"slowthisbirddown · 05/04/2025 13:18
Some of these posts really say something about how society has become. This whole ideology that the thing for young people to do is to break completely away from their family and are supposed to feel they owe them nothing... if the next generation are being encouraged to think this way, all I can say is there are going to be an awful lot of lonely elderly people in the next decade or two."

A pp was extremely scathing about the idea that people owe family anything whatsoever by way of loyalty or continued contact. My comments were mainly in response to that if I remember rightly, though I haven’t had time to re-read the thread.

There are close families and not so close families. I certainly wouldn’t describe the above post as a close family!