AIBU to expect my son to visit once a month?

[LindPat]

My son moved in with his girlfriend about 10 months ago now. For the first 2 months he happily came up to us every week for the family takeaway night on a Friday, we have always done it, she would usually come with him. Then this decreased to every other week and she would come one out of the 2. It then went to just once a month which I did think was due to her having an influence as she stopped coming at all and will only come down for birthdays and events but my son has just said how he isn’t going to be coming up for the family takeaway night at all now and plans to just come when it’s the events and birthdays and then maybe if he really feels like it he might come for it but to not expect it anymore. I’m personally really unhappy with this, we hold strong family values and are a close family, his girlfriend less so which is why I think a lot comes from her. We live a 50 minute drive away from each other now and he says it’s too long after work to come for it, but it was only once a month which I don’t think is too much to put yourself out for. AIBU?

The more you post the more unreasonable you are!

I don’t know anyone who would do a 2 hour round trip to get a takeaway weekly with their family. My own bils have never spent Christmas days with their mum since they got married, they have always spent it with their wives family.

You are too focussed on your family and need either more interests or a job!

as for holidaying as an entire family, OMG, my worst nightmare. I only know 1 family who actually holiday all together,

Bizarre.

Of course he should put his wife ahead of you. That's the whole point. Just like she should put him above her mother.

Neither of you should favour the other one's family above their own. Unless they just liked them more, of course.

What takeaway are you getting every week? Is it fish and chips? Chinese? Indian? Does it change every week? Trying to gauge how appealing it might be!

If you’ve only ever known a big and very close extended family, I can see why your son’s girlfriend not spending a great deal of time with her extended family - or wanting to get heavily involved in yours - might seem unusual to you. But your way of doing things will seem equally unusual to her. And maybe now your son is with someone whose family life is very different, he’s realising your way isn’t the only way.

If you want to maintain a good relationship with your son, you need to learn to compromise on this. He comes to the majority of family celebrations. He came on holiday with the entire family. His girlfriend has joined on occasion. But at the moment, you’re acting like none of this is good enough. Only the Friday night gathering will do. His girlfriend has only joined for the big celebrations - that isn’t good enough either. There’s no flexibility from your side.

I’m sure it’s hurt to hear people on this thread describe your way of doing things as “weird” and “suffocating”. But now is the time to recognise that you’re also judging your son’s girlfriend as weird for not wanting to come all the time, or not seeing her extended family “all year” (i.e. in three months). Accept that there are different ways of doing things and that your son is with someone who does it differently - and that maybe HE wants to do it differently now too.

It’s a bit much to expect him to drive that distance after work for a family takeaway night with the whole extended family. Maybe he’s had enough of doing it. I’m sure he still likes to spend time with his family but maybe this has lost its shine and he doesn’t feel it’s worth the regular drive.

Regular sex or Sunday lunch? Most young men will choose sex.

he’s your boy, you love and miss him and want him to see his extended family - but you are being unreasonable to expect him, he’s making his own life and routines/traditions and a 50 minute drive is a long way after work. Sorry OP.

I’d pick the sex too. Or a nap. Or washing my hair. Or cutting my toe nails frankly over such a trip for a regimental meal weekly.

A lot of PPs made good points.

I will also add: you say you want him to visit once a month as those are your values as a "close family". Have you instead tried saying that you miss your son, you get excited at the thought of seeing him and that you'd love to arrange to see him monthly (in a way that is convenient to both of you) simply because you love him?

I visit my parents in another country two or three times a year and my dad, a big softie, always hugs me and tells me how much it means to him that I visit and how happy it makes him. Both my parents also make a big effort to visit me abroad.

I understand it's not easy for everyone. My mum would cut off her own face than let on that she enjoys my company (except I know she does really!) But it makes up for it that my dad tells me.

From your posts you have clearly made your family your entire life even to the point of not having a job… That’s not healthy. It’s not surprising that you’re feeling aggrieved if life begins and ends with your family, but you’ll need to adjust to avoid losing him completely.

I’m presuming you’re the driving force behind these incessant get togethers, by turning them into a “tradition”, and a demonstration of your common “family values” you’re putting psychological pressure on the other 14 to play along, because you’d be bereft without them. But 15 birthdays, half-a-dozen or so “special” days, monthly take-aways, trips to see him every month or so, an annual holiday…. most people would find that oppressive.

Have you read the body says no by Gabor mate? I would really recommend it. It talks about how there is a certain personality of person who often gets unwell. People who act like the martyr who does everything for everyone else without putting their needs first. They never say no and their whole identity is around what they are to other people, with no interest themselves.

my ex MIL was like this. No friends, no job, lived for her kids. It split me and my ex up in the end because he put his mums needs above mine every time.

im not saying this will happen to you but she got cancer pretty young. This book helped me say no more and do things for myself and I hope it could do the same for you.

see I'd see that as emotional blackmail.....not your dad telling you how much it means to him when YOU CHOOSE to visit but the OP framing it to her son as "I get sooooo excited".....also keep in mind that you visit 2 or three times a year, not monthly PLUS other occasions. Presumably also its during your hols and not while you are at work.

Did he go away to uni? If he didn’t, maybe you’re not used to him being around a bit less. For uni students they often go months without returning home, then when they graduate if they move to another new town visits may only be 3,4,5 times a year.

It’s hard and an adjustment, but totally normal and usual practice even in close families.

He sounds young still- twenties? This is normal behaviour. Be totally relaxed and just tell him they’re both always welcome. Offer to go there or meet half way for a pub lunch or walk, but don’t overdo it.

Likely if they have a family you may see more of them then. If he’s young right now he’ll be tired from work then want to spend the evenings in restaurants, bars, theatre, gym, pub, watching football etc with GF and mates.

After going away to uni then moving to London I probably went “home” to the south west around 6,7 times a year and DPs would come up to London maybe twice a year or we’d meet half way.

Now in my late thirties with DC I live 45 mins away and we can go to each other’s houses for lunch or a barbecue and see each other usually once a month, sometimes more, sometimes less. The thing is to be patient and not be needy or overbearing.

Just let them know they’re always welcome to come to you, or that you’re always happy to go there if they’d like you to. Maybe try and get to know her better?

OP, what you’ve described is not the norm for most families and would be considered extreme enmeshment by most. You made the decision to sacrifice many aspects of your life for “family”. As this seems to make you happy, then it was the right decision for you. Other people choosing not to do that doesn’t make them wrong. Expecting DS to make those same sacrifices is wrong.

Considering GF rude for declining to attend is wrong and will lead to estrangement from your son. She has every right to her opinions and she should share them with DS as he is her partner. DS is the one choosing to decline. He isn’t wrong to do so. You seem upset that he is listening to someone other than you and making his own decisions, rather than continuing to do as his mother tells him.

People should be considering their partners over their families of origin. They are creating a new family with their chosen partner. This means deciding on their own traditions. Generally, if families of origin are loving, the new family will continue to participate in the traditions they enjoy. They will take turns celebrating holidays, birthdays, special occasions and vacations with their families of origin and their new family.

I have a relative who expected all of their children, grandchildren, siblings, nieces, nephews, cousins, etc… to spend almost all of their free time together. We were expected to attend family dinners every week, celebrate birthdays and holidays, go on family vacations, etc…. They owned a large piece of land, had an extremely large home and expected everyone to either live in their home or build on their land. Making plans with friends over family was considered wrong. Moving away was wrong. Most of my relatives are divorced because they lack the ability to be a good partner. They sacrifice everything for “family”. None of them seem happy. They act like they are enjoying the get togethers and vacations, but complain and gossip about each other constantly.

Of course it's not 'common' for 15 extended family members to go away together. 🙄And especially not regularly. Most people just go with their partner and children.

Your family situation sounds suffocating, cliquey, and a bit toxic @LindPat All meeting all the time, doing most stuff together, having meals together a lot, and socializing together, and getting snitty and giving the side eye to family members who don't comply. I'm not surprised that your son is giving you all a wide berth, and that 2 other family members have gone to Uni. Don't be surprised if your son moves further away. YABU, and very much so.

My mother was like you (and so were several of my aunts and grandmother(s.) Would try to make you feel like shit if you didn't come and visit them 2-3 times a week and ring them at least 3 times a week in between. They'd never ring you though. (And rarely came to visit.) Oh nooooo, it was always up to the CHILD to do the running. Even when said 'child' was 30-something, or 40-something, with a busy job/career, children of their own, friends, hobbies, a social life, and a home to look after. The passive aggressive shit I got was outrageous, and I was always made to feel bad if I didn't visit my mum 2-3 times a week. (As well as ringing her 3 times a week in between.)

Consequently, I never EVER make my 2 adult DC feel bad if they go a few weeks without visiting us. I go see them every couple of weeks and they come visit me and DH about once every 4-5 weeks. We speak on WhatsApp, several times a week, and chat on facebook and twitter, and we are all happy with the level of contact. They are 17-20 miles away, (about 25-30 minutes drive,) and I know they'd be here immediately in an emergency. They know we would be there for them too.

I don't have a deep desperation for my 2 adult DC (both aged 30-ish) to constantly visit me, because I have a life of my own. A part time job, hobbies, friends, and a busy life.

I think you need to get out more and get more hobbies @LindPat You keep on at your son, and try blaming his girlfriend for his actions, and you will drive him away for good.

15 family members on holiday once a year? Fucking hell. No thanks. My holiday time is precious and that sounds like a nightmare.

A ‘duty’ to visit. Absolutely not, you will drive him away. We don’t do Mother’s Day duty or Father’s Day duty or birthday duty or Xmas duty in our family. Freedom and love is required

This is totally normal and how it should be. They have moved in together so it’s obviously a serious relationship in which case it’s natural for them both to be focusing on the new unit that they are creating which consequently means being less of a part of your unit. Be happy that your son is a successful adult and maybe start a new hobby!

In blaming the girlfriend for your son’s actions you are basically saying that your son is incapable of making his own decisions. Is that true?

Occasionally, yes, assuming they have a healthy relationship. Yes, people should make the time to see their parents. Every week does sound too much, but he should absolutely visit from time to time.

And as I’ve already pointed out to a pp, I said if the gf is calling the shots.

Well said!

Your last 25 years seem to have been utterly devoted to your extended family.

If your son's future wife (I'm not saying this is the current gf, doesn't actually matter if it's her or another) is to stand any kind of a chance of having a similar commitment to their future family, they will need:

• strong bonds together as a couple
• a really solid job under him to fund it
• a healthy, functional relationship with the older generation
• not to feel that they've been suffocated into doing things out of expectation rather than love & wanting to right from the outset of their relationship

Give them some flipping breathing space or they won't even have the time to decide whether they share your interpretation of 'family values' and you'll just drive them away before you've even got grandchildren you want to see in the equation!

Doesn’t mean they have to be selfish about it.

The OP is the one being selfish with her strict parameters as to what does and doesn't count as a visit, and expectations. Main character syndrome.

Could they come once a month to the Friday Takeaway evening and stay over so that they are not driving both ways?

I suspect they'd like that even less.

I imagine the OP sat in the biggest chair like Queen Victoria surrounded by her extended family, eating fish and chips every week as it's her favourite, and no one even gets to choose from the menu, let alone a different takeaway.

And if you are motivated by sheer malice because you personally know and hate the OP's son, your opinion is clearly worthless.

See how saying things with absolutely no evidence and putting "if" in front of them is pointless?