AIBU to expect my son to visit once a month?

[LindPat]

My son moved in with his girlfriend about 10 months ago now. For the first 2 months he happily came up to us every week for the family takeaway night on a Friday, we have always done it, she would usually come with him. Then this decreased to every other week and she would come one out of the 2. It then went to just once a month which I did think was due to her having an influence as she stopped coming at all and will only come down for birthdays and events but my son has just said how he isn’t going to be coming up for the family takeaway night at all now and plans to just come when it’s the events and birthdays and then maybe if he really feels like it he might come for it but to not expect it anymore. I’m personally really unhappy with this, we hold strong family values and are a close family, his girlfriend less so which is why I think a lot comes from her. We live a 50 minute drive away from each other now and he says it’s too long after work to come for it, but it was only once a month which I don’t think is too much to put yourself out for. AIBU?

They aren't though.

The OP has later fessed up that they (or at least he) comes to all 15 birthday celebrations, plus (at least) Christmas and new year. Plus a week's holiday.

Which works out as him spending around 1 day in 14 with his extended family.

Not sure how you can say that is "selfish".

Are you serious? They are "selfishly" not driving a long way to spend time with a lot of people that one of them has no reason to spend time with, and the other clearly doesn't really care for?

You honestly think someone not wanting to spend an evening with their cousins one Friday every month is being selfish? There's not enough time in life to waste so much of it with people whose only claim on you is blood relation. Go out more and meet people you have stuff in common with and actually like.

🙄 If you’re determined to twist it that way, have at it, I don’t care as I know what I said and meant. That’s a bizarre statement to make to try to ‘prove’ a point.

I do find it interesting the way people are blindly and sometimes aggressively defending the gf when no one here is in any position to know what she’s like, though. She might be fine, she might not. We don’t know, so I don’t know why so many pps are assuming they do.

I for one am not defending or criticising the gf. She's almost irrelevant.

I am criticising the demanding OP.

It’s not the son not wanting to do every takeaway night that I’m calling selfish. It’s the idea some people on this thread seem to be pushing that obligation towards one’s family isn’t a thing at all.

You know, when people post on MN saying they don’t want family visiting too soon after a new baby is born, they’re routinely slagged off as selfish, so I find it a tad illogical that some people on this thread are defending the ‘our little family’ concept so hotly when it’s the other way around.

I go to my in-laws every Saturday, drive to London from Brighton.
I don't think it is a hard ask tbh, don't get me wrong sometimes we haven't and I moan a little.. but I think of karma as I have two boys I would like be part of their active lives one day!

I don't think it's a hard ask while they are girlfriend and boyfriend and don't have children yet!

When I went to Uni, I saw my family maybe once a month. When I moved out to live with my DH, I saw them very rarely. I see my IL maybe twice a year. It's sad that I don't see my DC more often but I rarely see them either. 50 mins is quite a long journey tbf.

And then have to stay for breakfast as well and eat up even more of their weekend…

My god, that’s even worse than what the OP’s weekly Friday night takeaway! Why on earth would you drive from London to Brighton and back EVERY WEEKEND to see your in-laws?… And you have two children too!

You have made your entire life your family which honestly isn’t healthy as this entire thread illustrates.

Most people have a balance of family, relationships, work, friends, hobbies and interests.

You seem astounded that his girlfriend hasn’t seen her family since New Year. Me neither but we’re meeting up soon.

People have busy lives but sadly yours is all focused on one thing that’s skewering your judgement here. Your son is forging a new path and you really are going to have to adapt. He may be the first of the cousins to move out of home but eventually the others will as well and the dynamics of your family will change further. It’s just inevitable.

It’s also quite telling that as you don’t work you have a complete lack of understanding that having had a busy week your son doesn’t want to attend your traditional Friday evening takeaways anymore and is preferring to spend time with his girlfriend.

Life evolves and changes but you seem to be stuck in a family centric mindset that is closed off to other things that others may want to spend their relaxation time doing.

I think it's a bit much to expect him to do a 2 hour round trip after being at work all week. I'd never expect my child to do that, even if I wanted to see them. You haven't had a job so maybe you don't understand how tiring it is and how by Friday evening you just want to relax. Don't be THAT mother in law. Time to focus on your life now, as hard as it is x

You have no obligation to your family. You owe your family nothing for being family. You owe them for what they do for you, same as everyone else, but constantly gathering to have a takeaway is not doing anythnig for you. The worst people you can imagine are somebody's family. Do their cousins owe them?

Yeah you completely failed to understand that.

If it's an "ask" at all, then why would anyone do it?

You should go and see your in-laws if you want to and have nothing you'd rather do every Saturday.

I honestly can't imagine having so little in my life I'd do that, but each to their own.

Oh for heavens sake.. this sounds like Friday Night Dinner.. with the son(s) dutifully traipsing back home to mum for weekly "crimble crumble". The comedy of it is BASED on this!

Life moves on and your son's life certainly did when he moved out! It's right and natural and you can't expect him to live his life around your takeaway nights because you want him to! He's a grown man whose first concern is now going to be his partner.

You are risking a future positive relationship with them both because of your unrealistic expectations

OP I cook a homemade lasagne on Wednesday nights and my DS who only lives about 10 mins away comes to see me then. My DH says I lure him home with them. He sometimes comes on a Friday night takeaway but only if he's not out with friends. He occasionally takes a days leave midweek and we go out to breakfast together which I love a catch up with just the two of us. He occasionally invites us to his house for meal but not often. I sometimes pop by for a coffee when I take foster son to karate so for about 40 mins. I wouldn't be very happy not seeing my youngest DS even once a month. I only see my eldest DS about 5 or 6 times a year but usually for a weekend at a time.

I could be bribed by a lasagna 10 minutes away. Monthly. But not by one 50 minutes away on a Friday, and even less by a takeaway with the OP, Granny, Grandad, Auntie Betty, Uncle Tom Cobley and all.

I didn’t ’fail to understand’ anything. But I can’t say I understand why you’re being so aggressive.

We’ll have to agree to differ because I completely disagree with you. I think that’s a very bleak take on life tbh.

None of that comes as any surprise based on what you'd posted already and I can definitely see why your son pulling away and living his own life will be very very hard on you.

There's nothing wrong with prioritising family, but you have an opportunity here to add a little more to your life. I know a lot of women who just give, give, give their whole lives and one day wake up and realise that it's not as appreciated as it should be and it's not always reciprocated either, and that really hurts. But it also gives them a bit of a kick up the bum too. Time to prioritise yourself and your own happiness? Your son growing up was always going to create a huge gap in your life, it's on you to come up with ways to fill it.

One other thing, I’m intrigued by you giving up work when you got married, especially as you clearly didn’t have your son straight away given you had IVF. Even in my mother’s generation (she’s in her early 80s) that was almost unheard of. I have to go back to my grandmothers for that to be a thing (they’s be in their 110s now if still alive!)

It would be a 'hard ask' for most people. If you want to sacrifice a huge chunk of your free time to your in laws that's your lookout but most people have other things in their lives and don't have the time or inclination to spend so much time with relatives. And that's fine!

The fact that you are so quick to blame his girlfriend for his decision speaks volumes. 50 minutes each way after a working week sounds exhausting, even more so if they have to endure your hostility to her upon arrival.
The shape of peoples lives change, if you want them in you life you need to accept that and stop being so rigid.

Nope, not normal
We have never been and never will holiday with the inlaws or extended family
Honestly sound like hell and a waste of my little holiday time

Her mum visits her quite a bit and my son goes out with them every time unless she specifically just wants time with her mum, her other family don’t seem to be seen much, think they have only gone once to see the rest of the family since the new year! That’s what does surprise me, she just doesn’t do things with the rest of her family but my son does go whenever she asks him if he wants to go

So she sees her family and extended family at a NORMAL rate

What your expecting is OTT, overbearing and screams i have nothing else in my life going on
You need a hobby, a job, a social group - something outside your family

Maybe stop being so dictatorial about what constitutes "family values". It can't just be your opinion that is the only one that counts. For instance, one of my family values is I don't accept invitations for absolutely everything if it's going to mean I don't get enough rest or downtime which is essential to my mental health. I know it's hard to believe but some people find even family gatherings can be very draining and not relaxing. Your son has his own family values that now include not seeing you as much. Accept that he gets to value his own time with whom he chooses and you'd better be ok with that or you'll see him even less.

You sound extremely needy. Why can't you just enjoy the get-togethers that you do have?