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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to expect my son to visit once a month?

672 replies

LindPat · 04/04/2025 22:19

My son moved in with his girlfriend about 10 months ago now. For the first 2 months he happily came up to us every week for the family takeaway night on a Friday, we have always done it, she would usually come with him. Then this decreased to every other week and she would come one out of the 2. It then went to just once a month which I did think was due to her having an influence as she stopped coming at all and will only come down for birthdays and events but my son has just said how he isn’t going to be coming up for the family takeaway night at all now and plans to just come when it’s the events and birthdays and then maybe if he really feels like it he might come for it but to not expect it anymore. I’m personally really unhappy with this, we hold strong family values and are a close family, his girlfriend less so which is why I think a lot comes from her. We live a 50 minute drive away from each other now and he says it’s too long after work to come for it, but it was only once a month which I don’t think is too much to put yourself out for. AIBU?

OP posts:
Eastertidings · 05/04/2025 17:50

Beeloux · 05/04/2025 09:48

Unfortunatley, I’ve noticed in my own family and many others, MIL always seem to pull the short end of the stick, especially when it comes to grandchildren. In general, daughters seem to be closer to their mothers in adulthood than sons. You here ‘mummy’s boy’ used in a derogatory manner when it comes to adults but never ‘mummy’s girl’.

I love my sons dearly and would never change them but would have loved a daughter too for that reason. I will forever be a MIL.

"Mummy's boy" isn't about being close, it's about being controlled.

It's a negative because it means the son puts his mother first before the needs and wants of his partner and children. To word it another way, he puts the wants of his extended family before the needs of the family he created. It's not ok.

He does it for a 'quiet life' because he can more easily ignore his wife's needs than his mother's wants. This dynamic often comes with emotional abuse of some degree towards his wife, in order to stop her questioning the status quo or silence her if she does question it. That's shitty behaviour.

Behaviour he learned from his parents as to how to keep someone in line. Behaviour they deploy onto him to keep him in line. He in turn passes that toxicity onto his wife and children. And so the dysfunctional family dynamic continues down the generations, toxic parents creating toxic children who becomes toxic parents themselves and on and on and on. Until someone breaks the chain by refusing to comply with parental demands and refusing to have that toxicity in their own life.

Of course women are going to be closer to their own mothers. It's still usually the mother doing majority childcare in any family unit. And of course it's the mother who carries, births and often feeds the child. When that adult daughter gets pregnant herself, of course she turns to the person she's closest to! The person who brought her up and who's best placed and most trusted to help her with her fears and worries of pregnancy, to provide practical and emotional support after birth when she's feeling at her most vulnerable, and for help in raising her DC. The more useless her own partner is (and so many of them are) the more she's likely to turn to her mother.

What she isn't doing (in the vast majority of cases), is putting her mother's wishes before the wishes and wellbeing of her husband and children. That's why she's not "mummy's girl". As close as she is to her mother, she's putting her husband and children's needs and wants first. Not doing whatever is easiest for her and to hell with everyone else, like these men are.

Isittimeformynapyet · 05/04/2025 17:50

"OP this is MN the only place in the world we're your supposed to dump your family the second you turn 18."

@InBedBy10 posters are not saying this!

Do you really think this is a rational, mature way to put a point across? Going to the opposite extreme and insisting that is what people are saying when it's just not true!

🙄

clinellwipe · 05/04/2025 17:53

That is one of the best written posts I’ve ever seen on mumsnet @Eastertidings, brava!

TwinklyOrca · 05/04/2025 17:55

BustingBaoBun · 05/04/2025 17:49

Why is her son lazy? He sees her about 30 times a year and holidays with her and the extended family.

To be fair, I didn’t read all the following posts. He just cannot be bothered to see her every week on top of the other 30 occasions. The whole point of what I posted was that it is not his girlfriend’s faults.

clarehhh · 05/04/2025 17:57

As everyone says it is far too much commitment after work and definitely once a month maximum. Otherwise you just won't see him as he will find it a chore not a joy

RedToothBrush · 05/04/2025 17:58

LindPat · 05/04/2025 17:20

We do holiday together as well but not always, we go on different ones separately as well but one holiday every year is all 15 of us but surely that is quite common? Even his girlfriend came to that one and everyone had a lovely time. Apologies for missing but I am so surprised how many comments I’ve had, it’s hard to keep up

No it's really uncommon...

RedToothBrush · 05/04/2025 18:02

LindPat · 05/04/2025 17:41

Her mum visits her quite a bit and my son goes out with them every time unless she specifically just wants time with her mum, her other family don’t seem to be seen much, think they have only gone once to see the rest of the family since the new year! That’s what does surprise me, she just doesn’t do things with the rest of her family but my son does go whenever she asks him if he wants to go

So you are jealous.... And controlling.

He's allowed to see who ever he wants, however many times he wants.

It is not a competition and isn't something you should be keeping tabs in and keeping count on!!!

FortyElephants · 05/04/2025 18:02

LindPat · 05/04/2025 17:20

We do holiday together as well but not always, we go on different ones separately as well but one holiday every year is all 15 of us but surely that is quite common? Even his girlfriend came to that one and everyone had a lovely time. Apologies for missing but I am so surprised how many comments I’ve had, it’s hard to keep up

Absolutely not common! I know nobody who holidays every year with their whole extended family.

MumCanIHaveASnackPlease · 05/04/2025 18:03

LindPat · 05/04/2025 17:20

We do holiday together as well but not always, we go on different ones separately as well but one holiday every year is all 15 of us but surely that is quite common? Even his girlfriend came to that one and everyone had a lovely time. Apologies for missing but I am so surprised how many comments I’ve had, it’s hard to keep up

This is so insane. This is most normal people’s worst nightmare. The level of codependency you all have is really incredible.

Serriadh · 05/04/2025 18:03

LindPat · 05/04/2025 17:20

We do holiday together as well but not always, we go on different ones separately as well but one holiday every year is all 15 of us but surely that is quite common? Even his girlfriend came to that one and everyone had a lovely time. Apologies for missing but I am so surprised how many comments I’ve had, it’s hard to keep up

OP, you keep saying “surely this is quite usual”…

Do you have lots of friends? Do any of them go on holiday with 15 of their extended family members every year? When your son was smaller, did any of his friends go on holiday with so many family every year? I have quite a wide range of friends and a big family and literally do not know anyone who does this.

Of the family who come to you every week, you must know you’re unusual? Because otherwise wouldn’t they all be doing the same with their in-laws every other week? They all come to you every time, with partners and kids (and kids’ partners?). Doesn’t your sister ever need to be at her husband’s family weekly gathering? How does she have enough leave to go on her husband’s family holiday AND your/her family holiday AND a holiday just for them?

Existentialistic · 05/04/2025 18:05

Have you heard that old saying?

”A daughter is a daughter all her life. A son is a son until he finds a wife” (or serious gf). Never a truer phrase in my experience.

Good luck moving forwards with this one OP.

FortyElephants · 05/04/2025 18:05

Truetoself · 05/04/2025 17:28

OP you will hopefully have lots of people there for you in your time of need. I wonder if this thread would have been better received by most if it read “AIBU to be disappointed my son doesn’t visit even once a month”

i have two adult children who at the moment enjoy spending time with us but have not officially moved away (at Uni) and the adult children of my friends are the same although they have the freedom to have their own lives. I will be disappointed if they don’t want to visit me even once a month.

But he does visit at least once a month. But it's not good enough for OP because it's not Friday family takeaway night.

Iwannakeepondancing · 05/04/2025 18:07

Once a week for take away is excessive when it’s an hour there and an hour back!! He’s an adult with a partner now… leave him alone and stop being weird!

TheGaaTheSkaAndTheRa · 05/04/2025 18:09

Truetoself · 05/04/2025 17:28

OP you will hopefully have lots of people there for you in your time of need. I wonder if this thread would have been better received by most if it read “AIBU to be disappointed my son doesn’t visit even once a month”

i have two adult children who at the moment enjoy spending time with us but have not officially moved away (at Uni) and the adult children of my friends are the same although they have the freedom to have their own lives. I will be disappointed if they don’t want to visit me even once a month.

With a situation like this, would a phone call not do though?

When I left home I went home at weekends for the first few weeks but gradually dropped that for phone calls and letters. When I went to uni, I saw my folks twice in six months with no deterioration in our relationship.

Special occasions we all got together and still do but I haven't seen my brother for two years face to face. We love each other, I call him and he calls me now and again. I chat to his wife who I adore but neither of us put pressure on each other or any of our extended family so when we meet up, we all really really want to be there.

Discombobble · 05/04/2025 18:09

LindPat · 05/04/2025 17:20

We do holiday together as well but not always, we go on different ones separately as well but one holiday every year is all 15 of us but surely that is quite common? Even his girlfriend came to that one and everyone had a lovely time. Apologies for missing but I am so surprised how many comments I’ve had, it’s hard to keep up

Not common, no - people grow up, make friends, move out and have their own lives, and most do not spend the rest of their adult lives having monthly takeaway nights and yearly holidays with their entire extended family - it sounds suffocating and I would have quickly left a relationship where that was expected of me!!

FortyElephants · 05/04/2025 18:10

Serriadh · 05/04/2025 18:03

OP, you keep saying “surely this is quite usual”…

Do you have lots of friends? Do any of them go on holiday with 15 of their extended family members every year? When your son was smaller, did any of his friends go on holiday with so many family every year? I have quite a wide range of friends and a big family and literally do not know anyone who does this.

Of the family who come to you every week, you must know you’re unusual? Because otherwise wouldn’t they all be doing the same with their in-laws every other week? They all come to you every time, with partners and kids (and kids’ partners?). Doesn’t your sister ever need to be at her husband’s family weekly gathering? How does she have enough leave to go on her husband’s family holiday AND your/her family holiday AND a holiday just for them?

I'm not trying to be horrible when I say this but it's clear OP doesn't have friends - she has her family and that's it. She is so enmeshed with these people and her role and importance in the system that there is no space for anyone else.

clinellwipe · 05/04/2025 18:13

We are another extended family who did annual holidays together abroad - in 2010 it was 11 of us and by 2022 it was 22 of us as our family expanded with partners and kids being born etc.

The 2022 trip was too much. Too many cooks! Barely any say in what restaurant we’d go to etc , HUGE tables at restaurants and just impractical. I doubt the trip will happen again , too many annual leave/work commitments to coordinate and we are all prioritising our ‘own’ family units now.

I loved all our Christmas days, Easters and holidays as an 11 but life has moved on and traditions can’t go on forever

Notonthestairs · 05/04/2025 18:15

I am not going to add to the comments about your family habits. i think you've probably got the message.

Things may not stay as they are now so think about how you can adapt and reshape for the next 5-10 years.

You are clearly a diligent steadfast person - I bet there are all sorts of organisations that would benefit from your reliability. Volunteering somewhere?
Or some new hobbies - choirs, dancing, gyms, swimming, Parkrun. Etc.
What about some studying - courses at your local college or OU?

You've brought up a lovely young person who is trying out new things for himself. Time to do that same for yourself.

AthWat · 05/04/2025 18:15

slowthisbirddown · 05/04/2025 12:37

Well, obviously OP's DS might not want to do the takeaway night if he's not as fussed about seeing everyone there. But I still think he should make the effort to visit his actual mother more regularly at least, at other times instead of the takeaway night if he's really not keen on that. And he shouldn't be letting his girlfriend call the shots every time if that's what's happening, there should be give and take.

Why do you think he's letting his girlfriend call the shots?

Why should he go and see his mother more often? Maybe he doesn't want to. Should someone go and see their mother out of a sense of duty even though she bores the tar out of him?

Thirteenblackcat · 05/04/2025 18:17

LindPat · 05/04/2025 17:41

Her mum visits her quite a bit and my son goes out with them every time unless she specifically just wants time with her mum, her other family don’t seem to be seen much, think they have only gone once to see the rest of the family since the new year! That’s what does surprise me, she just doesn’t do things with the rest of her family but my son does go whenever she asks him if he wants to go

Oh goodness, there is nothing wrong with her not seeing her extended family often. Maybe she just likes her own space.

you sound very overbearing, sorry. Please lower your expectations of your son, he has his own life to lead. Maybe he’s always thought it was a bit much. And I can understand why he’s reluctant travelling to you on a Friday night after a tiring week at work.

Jumpingthruhoops · 05/04/2025 18:20

Time to cut the apron strings OP. Don't become that MIL.

BustingBaoBun · 05/04/2025 18:21

FortyElephants · 05/04/2025 18:02

Absolutely not common! I know nobody who holidays every year with their whole extended family.

Nor me. But I have seen this when I've been on holiday. An elderly Grandad expected all his family (kids, their partners, grandchildren whoever) to holiday together and he paid for them all. There was about 15 of them too

Every night they would all troop into the bar and sit there. Grandad had pride of place in the middle and I've never seen such a miserable lot of people in my life! They just all sat there under sufferance. I felt so so sorry for the younger ones in the group, they looked bored senseless.

Puzzleboard · 05/04/2025 18:29

Sounds like you’re struggling with your son fleeing the nest and you’re grieving your closeness as he’s your only child. Which I’m sure lots of people feel. But your son isn’t behaving badly or surprisingly. Of course he wants to spend more time with his girlfriend and friends at his age. Don’t confuse your grief and start pointing the finger at him and his GF. This is a you thing, not a him thing. Relax and he’ll come back eventually, but the more pressure you put on, the further he’ll run. Believe me, my mum was the same and it made me run a mile. Let him be. Good luck

Barney16 · 05/04/2025 18:31

I do know families like yours, part of my own family actually and I have always thought it strange but that's because it wouldn't suit me at all. It's more and more unusual now too because often people don't live near family and have demanding jobs. I do sympathise though with the sense that you feel your much loved son is pulling away. But you should be proud of him for living his own life and making his own family. Don't criticise, just try to be a bit more laid back about it.

BustingBaoBun · 05/04/2025 18:31

TwinklyOrca · 05/04/2025 17:55

To be fair, I didn’t read all the following posts. He just cannot be bothered to see her every week on top of the other 30 occasions. The whole point of what I posted was that it is not his girlfriend’s faults.

Why should he? He even spends precious holiday entitlement with Mother and extended family.
He honestly does far more than many adult DCs and he shouldn't be criticised for it.
I wouldn't be bothered to go weekly either, if I'd just spent a night with all the family because it was one of their birthdays. Or just come back from being with all of them on holiday! 🤣