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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect my son to visit once a month?

672 replies

LindPat · 04/04/2025 22:19

My son moved in with his girlfriend about 10 months ago now. For the first 2 months he happily came up to us every week for the family takeaway night on a Friday, we have always done it, she would usually come with him. Then this decreased to every other week and she would come one out of the 2. It then went to just once a month which I did think was due to her having an influence as she stopped coming at all and will only come down for birthdays and events but my son has just said how he isn’t going to be coming up for the family takeaway night at all now and plans to just come when it’s the events and birthdays and then maybe if he really feels like it he might come for it but to not expect it anymore. I’m personally really unhappy with this, we hold strong family values and are a close family, his girlfriend less so which is why I think a lot comes from her. We live a 50 minute drive away from each other now and he says it’s too long after work to come for it, but it was only once a month which I don’t think is too much to put yourself out for. AIBU?

OP posts:
Obvnotthegolden · 04/04/2025 22:37

It's not really quality time is it, with 15 people after almost an hour's drive on a Friday night?
How do you even notice if he's there or not!

FidosMum84 · 04/04/2025 22:37

I’m not sure why you posted on here? Literally everyone is saying you’re unreasonable yet you’re not listening.
No wonder your son’s GF needs to defend his decisions to you. And you’re blaming her?
Accept his decision and leave them both to live their life the way they want to or you’ll lose them both.

Original poster
LindPat · 04/04/2025 22:37

I don’t expect it every week, I didn’t mind him changing it to less but now it’s not even going to be just ONCE a month, I really am surprised people think that’s expecting a lot

OP posts:
CarpetKnees · 04/04/2025 22:39

YABVU.

I have young adult dc, one of whom is living with his gf. None of whom live at home.
I wouldn't dream of setting a fixed day any of them have to attend.

Sometimes we invite them. Sometimes they invite us. Sometimes we might go out somewhere together.

I wouldn't have travelled best part of an hour each way to visit my MiL on a weekly basis either. There's no way I'd expect my dc (or their partners) to be committed to it on a regular basis.

Nor is it your responsibility to manage his relationship with your 'extended family' either.

IchiNiSanShiGo · 04/04/2025 22:40

Look, I’m sorry, but you cannot expect a weekly or fortnightly or monthly get together with FIFTEEN of your family members every single time. That’s oppressive. You can say, “open invite on Sunday, drop in if you want, no worries if not”. You can message family and ask if they want to meet this Friday for example, but you can’t expect a long term standing engagement. It’s a huge imposition on everyone’s lives, more so when your DS lives 50 minutes away, and it is a long drive after a full week of work. Also, are you really expecting him to host all 15 of you?

DearBee · 04/04/2025 22:40

This all sounds stifling. You're going to drive your son away. He's a grown man and able to make his own decisions. Please stop blaming his girlfriend.

As I said above, my MIL made this a battleground. She was not able to adapt to DH having a serious girlfriend / wife and other priorities in his life, and choosing to move away. Consequently, she's said some things and made some decisions that have really upset DH and made him dread seeing her. Please don't become that person. Please don't risk your relationship with your son in that way.

Just keep doing as you do - go and visit them sometimes. And invite them up with no expectation / pressure.

BrucesTooth · 04/04/2025 22:40

So you visit him at least once a month and you also want him to come at least once a month to you? So you would see each other every other week minimum? That's a lot. Especially for an hour apart for a young couple with other family, friends, work, hobbies, each other etc.

StartAnew · 04/04/2025 22:40

You can invite him but don’t make him feel guilty about wanting to do something else on Fridays. Things change once theres a serious partner. Welcome him happily wherever he does come to see you and it’s more likely to happen.

CarpetKnees · 04/04/2025 22:41

LindPat · 04/04/2025 22:37

I don’t expect it every week, I didn’t mind him changing it to less but now it’s not even going to be just ONCE a month, I really am surprised people think that’s expecting a lot

It's not how often it is, it is the dictating when it is and that you want it fixed in everyone's diary.

At the end of the working week, I can understand anyone not wanting to crowd in with 15 other people to eat a takeaway, then have to drive an hour home afterwards.

AppleKatie · 04/04/2025 22:41

Any kind of expectation on an adult is too much.

if it wasn’t an obligation he might want to come for fun?

I have similarly large extended family and we get together for special occasions probably on average once a month, sometimes more sometimes less. But nobody is obligated to be there, there were times in my life when I was never there and in recent years as the dynamic has shifted it’s often me hosting and my little family are usually there regardless. However if someone can’t come as they have other plans the family reaction is ‘have fun!’ Not ‘you are obliged to attend’ and this I think makes a massive difference.

cally201 · 04/04/2025 22:42

I don't have any expectations of regular visits from my adult children. One is only 20 mins drive away. We probably have lunch every 6 weeks. Nothing fixed . Your son has his own life to lead with his girlfriend- be happy for them.

Jk987 · 04/04/2025 22:42

Time to let him be free...

friendlycat · 04/04/2025 22:42

But surely you need to understand that you can’t expect your son to visit as a requirement. He needs to want to visit of his own volition. His life has changed. He’s moved in with his girlfriend and wants to build a life with her.

Just because something has previously happened and been done one way in the past doesn’t actually mean it has to continue as before.

The more demands you put on his time the less you will see him.

Dunnocantthinkofone · 04/04/2025 22:43

The issue is you are EXPECTING him to come. As a grown man, you can only invite, not expect
Inflexible demands on his time will only serve to push him further away

Octavia64 · 04/04/2025 22:43

God my mil used to do this.

we’d go to visit and it would turn out all the cousins and uncle John Cobley and all were there and my kids would get massively over excited and have no time with their grandparents who would focus on the other kids and often there wouldn’t even be enough chairs for everyone so you’re eating in shifts at the table.

hate hate hate it. 15 people? Every Friday after work? Fuck no.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 04/04/2025 22:43

It is a long drive after work.

Booksaresick · 04/04/2025 22:46

As parents our job is to raise happy, independent humans and let them live their life. They don’t owe us anything.
OP you’ve done your job not let go and let your son live his life without being needy. Strong family values should not be measured by the frequency of visiting your relatives.

LadyWiddiothethird · 04/04/2025 22:47

Good heavens! almost everyone is telling you that you are out of order,but you don’t see it.

Is this your first child that has left home.I have never believed in family rituals,we have none in my family and I have a wonderful relationship with all my adult children and grandchildren and their partners.I am a widow,but realise my family have their own lives to live and I fit in with them,they don’t fit in with me.

You will push your son away completely,I have friends who have done this by behaving like you are,stop it.

2chocolateoranges · 04/04/2025 22:47

YABU blaming the girlfriend, your son is an adult and can make his own mind up.

my dh’s sibling moved an hours drive away, we see them once or twice a year, our weekends are precious and neither dh or I want to visit as it’s a full day visit and not just a couple of hours.

my own parent lives 2 miles away, I do phone 5 nights out of 7 but only see them once or twice a month, we both have busy lives.

Mistyglade · 04/04/2025 22:49

YABU although I don’t think you’re going to listen to any of us. You clearly do not like your sons gf which was obvious from the way you’ve written your post. I wouldn’t want to drive 2 hours to have a takeaway every Friday night, especially with in-laws who didn’t like me, she’ll know you don’t like her btw.

It’s not her fault if her family aren’t as perfect as yours. Putting her down because she doesn’t have a close relationship with them is shameful, I’ll guess you don’t know anything about them. I don’t have a close relationship with any of mine and it sure as hell isn’t my fault. Some of us draw the shitty end of the short straw when it comes to family.

RedToothBrush · 04/04/2025 22:49

LindPat · 04/04/2025 22:30

See I was happy doing Sunday dinners but he didn’t want to come at the weekend as a regular thing as he often does things then so that’s why he chose the takeaway night to come to instead

i only blame her as she is very quick to jump in to defend it when the topic comes up and proclaims how it’s “too much driving after work” or “too much to always use a weekend day” before he seems to even manage to explain it properly himself. She also doesn’t see her family much so I think she has convinced him it’s not necessary

I do pop to them as well but it’s not as useful because when we do the family nights, the whole extended family gets together as we are all near here, they’re the ones living further away so all 15 of us would have to go there. I do visit him with just DH though probably at least once a month so that’s why I said I think it’s reasonable

She's right.

It is too much.

He's young and should be going and doing fun things with friends. Not running back to mummy out of duty because she expects it.

You are totally unrealistic and overly controlling.

Unless you love very close - that's not a 50 min drive btw - you just don't do this.

You need to let him go live his life. You need to deal with your dependency issues. And you need to except that he's an adult.

NOTHING you have said that the gf has said isn't remotely unreasonable. The fact you see it is unreasonable, is quite frankly disturbing. And even if this gf isn't The One, I guarantee that future ones will share the same opinion and that you will end up not seeing your son at all if you carry on like this.

Buttonknot · 04/04/2025 22:50

When I was in my 20s I didn't see much of my parents (even though we lived in the same city) - I was too busy working and socialising! I still loved them and in my 30s I saw a lot more of them. Just different times of my life. He's an adult OP, let him know he's always welcome to come to takeaway night, but at the end of the day it's his decision.

TheSassyAmberNewt · 04/04/2025 22:52

He’s said no, that should be the end of it. It’s the questioning, cajoling and whining that turns this into a chore that nobody in their right mind would be interested in entertaining.

Hercisback1 · 04/04/2025 22:52

It is a lot.
15 people every Friday for a takeway, that's crazy.

Once every 3 months is far more reasonable for a 2 hour round trip on a friday.

CrushingOnRubies · 04/04/2025 22:53

2 hour round trip is a long way for a takeaway chicken chow mein and you want a few beers after a long week at work.

and 2 hours + the actual time he’s at yours is a large chunk of a weekend.

have you suggested is favourite home cooked meal or meeting half way?

suddenly a weekend is revolved parents. If 5 hours is at yours and similar at her parents. That’s a 10 hours. That only leave 34 hours (including sleeping) of a weekend to spread wings and spare time and create a life that they want.