AIBU to expect my son to visit once a month?

[LindPat]

My son moved in with his girlfriend about 10 months ago now. For the first 2 months he happily came up to us every week for the family takeaway night on a Friday, we have always done it, she would usually come with him. Then this decreased to every other week and she would come one out of the 2. It then went to just once a month which I did think was due to her having an influence as she stopped coming at all and will only come down for birthdays and events but my son has just said how he isn’t going to be coming up for the family takeaway night at all now and plans to just come when it’s the events and birthdays and then maybe if he really feels like it he might come for it but to not expect it anymore. I’m personally really unhappy with this, we hold strong family values and are a close family, his girlfriend less so which is why I think a lot comes from her. We live a 50 minute drive away from each other now and he says it’s too long after work to come for it, but it was only once a month which I don’t think is too much to put yourself out for. AIBU?

You don't seem to realise that your family set up is the unusual one, not your son's girlfriend's family. She sees her mum quite often and many people only see their extended family on special occasions. Apart from your son, you all live in the same town and only seem to socialise with each other. You take your brother in law to work every day. That is pretty unusual. Why can't he drive himself or get public transport? Do you have any friends?

Gosh OP, I can see why you're finding this hard if its how all your family behave. It's really really not common for extended families to spend so much time together - weekly takeaway, roast dinners, birthdays, all national holidays and vacations as well. That's really a lot. And so uncommon that any new girlfriend/boyfriend coming from 'outside' is likely to find it strange and will kick against it. Your son has clearly been brought up to believe that families live close and do most if not all of their socialising together, and now he's finding out that that is not the case outside of your family unit. I appreciate that's going to be difficult but honestly, if you back off and keep it light and breezy you will see him much more.

op, your family situation sounds very unusual.

firstly, in that you gave up work when you got married. Most women for at least the last forty years have continued to work outside the home when married and while lots take a break if they have young children it’s normal to either go back to their old career or get a new job when the children are older.

so most women don’t have the focus on family that you seem to have. They just don’t have the time. They work, look after their kids, visit close relatives and that’s pretty much all you have time for as a working mum.

you have put a lot of time and effort into your family, both your children and other relatives. This is genuinely very unusual these days.

I do know some women who are like this but only a couple.

the empty nest - your children moving out and leaving home inevitably hits harder because if family is your only focus then what do you do when your children are grown?

in the case of one woman, shr sort of hung around until her kids started having kids and then she looked after them for free. Her daughter had 7 kids over 14 years which proved quite a commitment.

the other one has always been involved in music and stepped that up,

you need something in your life that is not family op. Something that you choose to do for you. What are you interested in?

I think this is the crux of the issue. Being useful to the family has become your job to a certain extent, and maybe your sense of worth is very dependent on that too. "The Family" has become everything to you, and if you don't have any interests outside of that then any changes within The Family probably feels like your reason for being is no longer assured. Maybe it's a subconscious thing.
My son is also an only child, also IVF and he started uni last september, so I understand where you're coming from to a certain extent. I did miss him a lot to start with and not seeing him for 8 weeks felt really odd. I'm a single mum and we are close, so there was a real mix of pride and pleasure that he'd got into a top uni and that he was making friends and settling well, but also a bit of sadness that he seemed to be so happy being away from me 😂

These feeling soon passed though, and I've realised that him being away and us going days without speaking has absolutely no bearing on how much he loves or values me. He's just older, and living his life and doing young man stuff, which is absolutely the way it should be. I wouldn't expect him to continue to always be available for a family tradition now he has a life elsewhere, even more so if there was a girlfriend on the scene.

I think you need to accept that a regular family get-together that involves so many people, especially young people, is never going to carry on without any changes, and it's unreasonable to expect it to. Those young cousins of his are quite likely to want to start doing their own thing in the future as well, but it's not something you can control, and its not a refection on your worth or usefulness, or how much everyone means to each other.

In the long run, it really is best not to expect your son to stick to a tradition that doesn't suit his life now, and as others have said, making an issue of it will go against you. Let him and his girlfriend know you're always there and will always enjoy their visits,but those visits can be when it suits them as well as you.

I think it might be worth you starting to think about what life outside caring for the family might look like? I don't mean huge changes, as change can be scary, but what about something like a bit of volunteer work? That way, you get to do as much or as little as you like, but you're still doing something useful that's not solely tied to family.

I wish my family was like yours, probably not so much when I was your son’s age but definitely now I’m older and have lost my father, both sets of grandparents and my uncle. I would give anything to do just one Friday night takeaway, doing it every week would be amazing. I hope he comes back around again, don’t stop doing what you do as a large family, I think it’s lovely! X

Yes, I think you are unreasonable to EXPECT him to visit once a month. You would not be unreasonable to want him to visit at least once a month, or to be upset that he doesn't do that.

You’re misinterpreting everything I’ve said. I agree….why on earth should he…..also who could even be bothered ?! Still NOT his girlfriend’s fault………..

@LindPat - just because this is your family tradition does not mean your son is obliged to carry it on. He has the right to start new traditions with his family.

This is simply part of your kids growing up and becoming independent, and the tighter you hold on to your son, the more you will push him away from you - I’m sure that is not what you want.

I have one son who lives with his wife and three children over 8 hours drive from us, and another who has gone to Australia on a 4 year visa, but seems likely to settle there for good, and a third currently living at home.

Do I wish they were all closer? Of course I do! But what matters most to me is that they are happy with their lives, and I am enjoying watching them grow and develop their own family traditions.

Sorry, I might have got it wrong. I'm sure we both agree.

It sounds like she isn't used to a close extended family so maybe finds it a bit overwhelming. Maybe Friday nights with loads of your son's family at the end of a working week is not her scene. If she has been brought up in a quieter environment it can be difficult. Still it's great if you all have a good annual holiday and Christmas etc. Maybe try to suggest doing more things with just the two of them. But they haven't been living together long so back off and give it time.

Having read this comment I would genuinely suggest you seek a reputable therapist and talk things through. You are being too possessive over your son and your family unit and honestly unless you address, this you will push him away. Please do seek support, it is normal to feel jelous/anxious etc when times change and I am sure seeing your only child move on with their adult life is very difficult but I can honestly promise you, from my own experience, you will push him away. I wish you the best but let him live his life, enjoy seeing him spread his wings. If you do this he WILL come back to you when things go wrong
If you don't he really won't. Xx

My mother was like this with us, wanting to tie me in to a cast-iron every-other-weekend commitment. We lived 80 miles away, both in FTW. I couldn't face that level of control and she constantly blamed DH. It got that I didn't want to go to face the guilt trip she laid on me and the pointed digs at DH. In the end I stopped even phoning her because it was just a tirade of how I never visited and it was all 'HIS fault'. So take heed.

I have a huge extended family I rarely see. Partly because we are scattered to the winds, but even when we were younger, there wasn’t often a mass gathering unless someone was getting married or having a big birthday. That, in my mind, is the normal way of things. Having the whole lot together for every occasion just isn’t the norm. If these gatherings were any fun at all, your son would be coming along to them.

I think 50mins each way after work is a lot. You've no idea it's her influence, so i wouldn't start off blaming her.

I'd maybe say to your son, you appreciate it's a long way to come but you miss him so could you agree to spend one evening a month together but not specifically Friday? Or ask if you could travel to him and get the takeaway so the burden of travel is on you?

Do you have any form of identity outside of this extended family? Any other networks?

Shared holidays weekly meals. 15 family
meet ups plus Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Christmas, new years.

Is a lot. With all that his still seeing family likely more than once a month at times.

A tradition with young children is very different to what will become with adult children. You blame her views but miss that his also seeing how a different family behaves and he clearly likes the lower demand type.

It’s not a myth. There are exceptions as I said, but sons tend to see their wives family more in most cases

You have to understand that it is up to him to determine whether he wants to see you or no - you can’t blame the girlfriend.

but, if you have read the posts, that isn't what people are saying at all.

People are pointing out that the OP is expecting him to turn up to a big, busy takeaway party at a time that probably doesn't suit that well, and with a regularity that is stifling, and probably a combination of overwhelming and boring for his gf.

She hasn't (unless things have changed a lot from the first 8 pages, which is where I've got to so far) taken on board that he is an adult, with a girlfriend he lives with, in a home he presumably has to maintain and potentially improve, and a job, and a social life of his own. That she needs to relax, and see him (or them) when it suits everyone, and at a combination of different sorts of meet ups.

Aw OP you and your son are going through big changes! He's becoming more independent and he's balancing his needs with that of his partner - both things we would want for our children! But you're the parent here - so rather than all this disapproval give him a big hug and some reassurance. I bet it'll be in the world to him.

I wouldn’t place expectations on any of my children, but I’m fully prepared for my sons to put their wives (and subsequently their wives’ families) ahead of me as very often happens.

Signed, a daughter.

Wow, the more you post, the more unreasonable you are getting.

You've now told us that he comes over and has meals for every birthday for these 15 people and comes {at least} at Christmas and on Mothering Sunday, but that these "get together with the family" occasions apparently don't count ?

Then you add in that he comes on holiday with 14 of you as well .

But you are still trying to argue he needs to come more, even though your original request was supposedly to see him "once a month" at a time when he is already doing considerably more than that, but you refuse to acknowledge all those times.

I thought YWBU at the start of the thread, but this has moved up a grade to YABVVVVVVVVU now.

Completely ridiculous expectations.

I don’t think wanting to see your son once a month is unreasonable but expecting him to come to the weekly/monthly big friday night takeaway is.

When you add up how much you see him outside of that, 15+ birthdays, mothers day, fathers day and christmas, plus you visit him once a month and on occasion he visits you and then you all go on holiday once a year - that must average out at 3 times a month at least.

I know you like the Friday nights but I think you will find that other members of the next generation start to drop away too. Growing up I regularly saw my grandad, aunts, uncles and cousins but the cousins all stopped seeing extended family with any regularity once we reached adulthood, even though we don’t live all that far apart, all within an hours drive.

@CarpetKnees Indeed. I'm wondering whether this is a really good wind up.

You probably don’t realise how unreasonable you’re being. EVERY Friday night? And a nearly 2 hour round trip? When I was working there’s no way I’d be giving up my longed for Friday night for that. Have you ever worked yourself, OP? Posters are right who tell you not to blame the GF but, to be honest, if she’s said “ God, I’m not spending every bloody Friday night with your mother!” I wouldn’t blame her.
I think Sunday dinner every other month is plenty.
Leave him alone or you’ll drive him away.