AIBU to expect my son to visit once a month?

[LindPat]

My son moved in with his girlfriend about 10 months ago now. For the first 2 months he happily came up to us every week for the family takeaway night on a Friday, we have always done it, she would usually come with him. Then this decreased to every other week and she would come one out of the 2. It then went to just once a month which I did think was due to her having an influence as she stopped coming at all and will only come down for birthdays and events but my son has just said how he isn’t going to be coming up for the family takeaway night at all now and plans to just come when it’s the events and birthdays and then maybe if he really feels like it he might come for it but to not expect it anymore. I’m personally really unhappy with this, we hold strong family values and are a close family, his girlfriend less so which is why I think a lot comes from her. We live a 50 minute drive away from each other now and he says it’s too long after work to come for it, but it was only once a month which I don’t think is too much to put yourself out for. AIBU?

I think your family set up is rather unusual for an Anglo Saxon British family. I say this as a foreigner who has lived in the UK for a while. In some cultures your level of family closeness would be totally normal but not in England.

If his girlfriend is more used to the usual set up then no she won't be as involved and realistically neither will he. She won't be giving up work to drive you around, nor will they be there for every occasion.

I have lived in enough places to refrain from judging which is better or worse way of living but that's sort of how it is here. That means you probably do need to get used to the idea that your child will move out of the heart of the family and create other connections and points in life that can take up some of that gap.

By the sounds of it the other cousins are all younger so the same shirt may also happen with them and their parents in turn may have to get used to it.

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Plus the OP and her DH visit the son monthly according to one of their earlier posts.

Utter madness! The apron strings are made out of 10 inch thick iron, and the poor son is trying to file through them with the dog end of a Friday night takeaway spare rib

OP write down all the times you have seen your son this year. Including all meet ups and you going to see him. I think you might be surprised that it is higher than you realise.

Your son sounds early 20s so I’m guessing you are mid 50s. What are you doing with your days? I’m only a bit younger than you and can’t image your set up.

You also seem to see yourself as the family lynchpin. All your family interactions revolve around you. I’m not convinced this is a healthy dynamic for anyone. You are overly involved.

Of course family is everything but for you OP it’s the only thing, and that’s really quite sad.

I'd be running for the hills. That's a huge amount you see him!

I'm married into a very matriarchal family, and MIL made it extremely clear, in an extremely vocal way, that she didn't approve of me. My DH was the only child to break away and move to a different country.

25 years on, our relationship is still frosty. My DS avoids her since he sees the vibe and doesn't like it. She's only just realised now her mistake.

This is probably the reason this feels so important to you, but I wonder if you have stopped to appraise the emotional and psychological impact this has had on you and how your identity and self-perception have changed as a result. It would be a good idea to get some therapy to work through that and find a happy life without needing to be distracted by the needs of your family. Find something that makes you happy and then let your son be happy only seeing you all (it seems) three times a month.
https://www.bpc.org.uk/information-support/find-a-therapist-or-clinic/

My mother (with whom I had a very bad relationship to begin with) became insanely resentful of the time I had to spend with DH's matriarchal family. She criticised me and them at every opportunity. I felt ill at the thought of calling her. One day, after a particularly spiteful tirade, I just stopped calling. Best thing I ever did.

"Strong Family Values" to me mean respecting where people are at, supporting them in their other intimate relationships, understanding the pressures of juggling career and commitments AND NOT BULLYING them into conforming to your takeaway night idea.

If you continue to blame his GF for him maturing and developing his own life, you will isolate yourself further.

If you behave as this post suggests, you are lacking in emotional maturity and self awareness.

It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship though. OP's life sounds like working class life from the 1950's. She gave up her job on marriage, has no friends and lives in the same town as these 15 relatives who come for a takeaway every week. OP has said that although her son comes over to attend the birthday celebrations of these 15 relatives, these visits don't 'count' as they meet in restaurants, not in her home so don't meet her definition of their 'family tradition'. Her expectations of her relationship with her son are unrealistic.

I hate when I hear others blaming the girlfriend for the lack of effort men put in. Dh’s friends always blamed me for him not making an effort to see them all, when it was his choice to spend more time with me and less with them because he had grown up and didn’t want to be going to the pub, taking coke and whatever else every weekend.

he also doesn’t visit family as much because he’s a lazy bugger, nowt to do with me!

I didn’t make these changes, dh did, his life, his choice. His decisions.

After a long week at work I wouldn’t be wanting my son to drive 50 minutes each way every Friday as much as I’d miss him. Even once a month for him at a tender young age he should be to socialising with his own age near to his now home.
You must miss him dreadfully and a change to a routine you’ve always known, but he has a new life now and this should be celebrated.

When he does come down, be joyous and welcoming, not expectant of his time and ticked off for lack of it.

Would you and your DH really drive nearly 2 hours every Friday to see him for a Take away? That would be suffocating all round, but I would suggest you make the odd occasional effort and meet your DS and his partner / her family out for a nice healthy lunch somewhere maybe a pub lunch in the middle of a countryside walk - maybe ask them for recommendations. Leave any pets at home, make light happy conversation in their company, ask them questions about themselves and what they like to do and no subtle digs about not seeing your son.
Be grateful your son is happy, in life this is paramount.

If you took out the family element, and it was an employer stipulating a work get together every Friday after work, every week, and that attendance was mandatory regardless of location, day immovable, etc etc OP, you’d be up arms at the audacity.

Employees would be making excuses left right and centre to get out of this obligation. if the Boss reframed it, said that there was a get together every Friday, come along as and when you fancy the event, we will be pleased to see you there but if not, enjoy your weekend, I bet more would show up…….

Something to think on.

I left work when I got married

Why @LindPat?

Were you brought up in a culture/religion that doesn’t expect women to have a career or even forbids them to do so? I find it overly concerning that you have lived in such a tight, enmeshed and suffocating family bubble that you have no awareness of what is “normal” outside of your little family circle. It sounds almost like a religious cult to me.

Do you have any friends or hobbies? Do you socialise outside the family?

If the answer to the above is no, then I can see why your son wants to escape this and why the girlfriend is distancing herself. Your son will have seen what life is outside this odd situation when he went to university and is probably enjoying his freedom

From your posts you have clearly made your family your entire life even to the point of not having a job… That’s not healthy. It’s not surprising that you’re feeling aggrieved if life begins and ends with your family, but you’ll need to adjust to avoid losing him completely.

I agree with @OneLemonGuide

The fact that you haven’t worked for 20+ years means you simply won’t understand why after a long and tiring week your DS doesn’t want a regular 2 hour round trip on Friday night to do his duty.

In some cultures your level of family closeness would be totally normal but not in England.

Yeh, as ever, I'm interested in a missing piece of information here. The OP's family set up seems very unusual to me so I'm wondering if there's some cultural element to all this. OP, if you're willing to say, what's your family background?

You have 15 ‘close’ family members and he’s coming home for their birthdays and big events like Christmas, Easter and Mother’s/Fathers day. That’s 19 events a year, statistically that’s just over 1.5 meals out with you a month, you’re also popping in to see him once a month.

So you are seeing him at least twice each month, he’s just not doing another an almost 2 hour round trip after work for a takeaway.

I understand that it’s a sudden change for you, but your son is an adult and is finding his own balance with who I’m assuming is a partner he envisions a future with. If they have children how will you cope when they have birthday parties and sports tournaments to attend?

Surely you can see how difficult you’re making his life by assigning different values to the events that he attends. Surely a meal out with the same 15 close family members is no different to a takeaway at home with those same 15 family members?

I think the saddest thing about this whole thread @LindPat is that I would put good money on your thinking we just don't understand, have misinterpreted and are wrong in all of our comments.

And that this situation between you and your son/daughter-in-law will continue to compound and even more distance will be created. Which will devastate you.

My mum is one of 8 and her family are similar to OP’s. They are each other’s friends and socialise together. This has given me very strong bonds with my cousins and a real sense of family. Unfortunately I have been unable to give this to my kids as I don’t have the same relationship with my siblings as we are very different people and not natural friends. We have instead developed close family friendships.

Meanimg developed friendships with friends and their children

I live quite a bit away from my own parents. I try and visit at least once a month but there is no expectation from my parents for that to be the case because they know coming through means I need to make a 2 hr+ journey on public transport and then stay overnight. I usually leave on a Saturday and am back on a Sunday afternoon and then back at work on the Monday. That is two days of no housework or grocery shopping getting done. Why can’t you see it from your son’s perspective?

Thank you. That’s kind of you.

What's "bleak" about thinking you should form relationships by looking at all the billions of people in the world and being close to the ones you actually like and respect, rather than basing everything on a tiny set of random people you happen to be related to regardless of their personal qualities?

I think the saddest thing about this whole thread @LindPat is that I would put good money on your thinking we just don't understand, have misinterpreted and are wrong in all of our comments.

And that no one on here has such a close loving family with such strong family values. Something tells me nothing is going to change.

You are talking about this in very binary terms though, people you like and respect vs family. Some people like and respect their families.

OP certainly isn't treating her son with respect by placing these ridiculous demands on him, and claiming that the huge amount of effort he already puts in 'doesn't count'.

You mean she doesn’t agree with you. This is how my IL were. They expected us to visit often ie every Sunday (They lived about an hour away.) I stood my ground and said that after a busy week at work, weekends were relaxing, potting in my own home. We visited once a month but this eventually became every 6 weeks or so, particularly after children were born as they had weekend events to attend. ILs were always welcome to come to ours but FIL didn’t like ‘long’ drive (he was in his 50s!) IL need to realise that there are now 2 families involved. I’m a MIL myself now and I would never demand anything off my children and partners, other than when it’s a special occasion.