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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect my son to visit once a month?

672 replies

LindPat · 04/04/2025 22:19

My son moved in with his girlfriend about 10 months ago now. For the first 2 months he happily came up to us every week for the family takeaway night on a Friday, we have always done it, she would usually come with him. Then this decreased to every other week and she would come one out of the 2. It then went to just once a month which I did think was due to her having an influence as she stopped coming at all and will only come down for birthdays and events but my son has just said how he isn’t going to be coming up for the family takeaway night at all now and plans to just come when it’s the events and birthdays and then maybe if he really feels like it he might come for it but to not expect it anymore. I’m personally really unhappy with this, we hold strong family values and are a close family, his girlfriend less so which is why I think a lot comes from her. We live a 50 minute drive away from each other now and he says it’s too long after work to come for it, but it was only once a month which I don’t think is too much to put yourself out for. AIBU?

OP posts:
DearBee · 04/04/2025 22:21

Kindly, you sound a little like my MIL, and it's driven DH further away from her.

Do you ever go and visit them? Maybe you should.

Billionthtimeivenamechanged2025 · 04/04/2025 22:21

It'll be the expectation. And I suspect, other expectations 😅

Scutterbug · 04/04/2025 22:22

It is a bit much to have a regular expectation I think. He’s still coming to significant events and presumably you go there sometimes?

Lemsipper · 04/04/2025 22:23

Don’t start down the road of blaming the gf. This is a game you are unlikely to win and often how estrangement starts. Let him visit when he wants to, he does not owe you anything. Your “family values” don’t have to be his exact values. He is his own person. Maybe get off his back and make it a nice environment when he does visit instead of nagging at him.

Acc0untant · 04/04/2025 22:23

He's an adult and can make his own decisions. You're quite happy to blame her but sounds like he's cut the apron strings himself.

TheCurious0range · 04/04/2025 22:23

I wouldn't drive two hours round trip after work for a takeaway night. Can't you change it to meeting for Sunday lunch once a month? It's not straight after work then and feels more of a treat, maybe ask if he'd like to take turns hosting? I loved hosting when I bought my first flat. Or meet in a pub

FidosMum84 · 04/04/2025 22:24

He’s set clear boundaries and expectations and you’re blaming his girlfriend? No wonder he doesn’t want to come over to see you for nearly a 2 hour round trip after work.
If you keep pushing this you’ll only see him less.

FiveTreeHill · 04/04/2025 22:24

50 minutes is quite a long way to come for a takeaway tbh. Especially on a Friday when their friends are likely to be out. I think you need to let him live his life for a bit

How often do you travel to him? With all due respect you Talk about your family values but actually he's an adult now and they might not be his values. Once a month is quite a lot when your young snd a 2 hr round trip away

RitaFromThePitCanteen · 04/04/2025 22:26

How about you make the effort to visit him occasionally?

And maybe stop doing the tired misogynist thing of blaming a woman for the actions of a man? Perhaps he finds all the constant travelling to you a bit much and wants some free time to himself.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 04/04/2025 22:26

You've made it a duty/obligation, sadly.

Perhaps you should have focused more on making it an enjoyable thing that your ds and his girlfriend might actually have wanted to do?

We have strong family values in our family too, but we don't have big expectations or put pressure on each other. We spend time with each other because we want to, so it's easy to make the effort.

Chunkilumptious · 04/04/2025 22:26

It's a bit much every week, a two hour round trip on a Friday night when they probably have other social invitations or are knackered.

Such a heavy weight of expectation re family values etc and making it all her fault. He's moved out and has a girlfriend. He wants to have fun on a Friday or relax. You'll push him away.

Monthly Sunday dinners?

HeddaGarbled · 04/04/2025 22:26

You need to mix it up now he’s a grown-up. Invite them for Sunday lunch sometimes. Visit them sometimes. Family traditions are lovely but you have to let go of them when they fly the nest. They’ll be making their own Friday night traditions now.

Cynic17 · 04/04/2025 22:27

Yes. Massively unreasonable. He is an adult with his own life.

100PercentFaithful · 04/04/2025 22:27

I think the girlfriend has given your son a way out OP. It’s his choice I think he was looking for a way out of your set up.
If you really love someone, set them free.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 04/04/2025 22:27

Lol, you really can't expect him to give up a weekend night regularly to come and sit in the house and eat takeaway...he has other priorities now, time to cut the apron strings

BrucesTooth · 04/04/2025 22:27

How often do you visit their place? Or meet up somewhere in the middle? This is what launching is- building a new life different to what was before. Being close to family and strong family values doesn't mean a rigid schedule of how it has always been. Make something nice as a new normal.

Chunkilumptious · 04/04/2025 22:29

Halfway point maybe or a bit more ad hoc? If it's expected and you're making it such a big obligation, it becomes a chore and strips away any pleasure in catching up.

Ponderingwindow · 04/04/2025 22:29

do you visit him in exchange for every visit he makes to your home?

Original poster
LindPat · 04/04/2025 22:30

See I was happy doing Sunday dinners but he didn’t want to come at the weekend as a regular thing as he often does things then so that’s why he chose the takeaway night to come to instead

i only blame her as she is very quick to jump in to defend it when the topic comes up and proclaims how it’s “too much driving after work” or “too much to always use a weekend day” before he seems to even manage to explain it properly himself. She also doesn’t see her family much so I think she has convinced him it’s not necessary

I do pop to them as well but it’s not as useful because when we do the family nights, the whole extended family gets together as we are all near here, they’re the ones living further away so all 15 of us would have to go there. I do visit him with just DH though probably at least once a month so that’s why I said I think it’s reasonable

OP posts:
Ineffable23 · 04/04/2025 22:31

Seeing him, absolutely. Takeaway every Friday - I wouldn't want my weekend plans mapped out like that. What about doing something for Sunday dinner instead? Lunch time if people are free, if not then one rarely has plans on Sunday night.

Obviously it is a shame he's not coming but Fridays are often busy with friends etc

Edit: x-post!

pearbottomjeans · 04/04/2025 22:31

Oh dear, you sound well on your way to being the MIL from hell 😬 those who claim to have ‘strong family values’ actually usually have a very fragile, inflexible and non-resilient family culture. Thou doth protest too much.
Don’t you remember how it is to be young, busy, in a new relationship, working - the weeks just fly by as you have so much fun stuff to be getting up to.

TheJollyMoose · 04/04/2025 22:33

YABU, and all you’re gonna do is drive him away.

murasaki · 04/04/2025 22:33

He just doesn't want to, and that's OK. The more you push it, the less he will want to. 15 people sounds a bit much.

TomatoSandwiches · 04/04/2025 22:35

Yes I think once a month is too much to expect, if you continue to expect things you will be very disappointed.

friendlycat · 04/04/2025 22:36

Life evolves and changes. Just because you’re used to this tradition doesn’t mean it’s set in stone going forward and it obviously isn’t for him.

I would feel suffocated with the expectation after a busy week at work. Just accept things change and don’t make a big deal about it.