AIBU to expect my son to visit once a month?

[LindPat]

My son moved in with his girlfriend about 10 months ago now. For the first 2 months he happily came up to us every week for the family takeaway night on a Friday, we have always done it, she would usually come with him. Then this decreased to every other week and she would come one out of the 2. It then went to just once a month which I did think was due to her having an influence as she stopped coming at all and will only come down for birthdays and events but my son has just said how he isn’t going to be coming up for the family takeaway night at all now and plans to just come when it’s the events and birthdays and then maybe if he really feels like it he might come for it but to not expect it anymore. I’m personally really unhappy with this, we hold strong family values and are a close family, his girlfriend less so which is why I think a lot comes from her. We live a 50 minute drive away from each other now and he says it’s too long after work to come for it, but it was only once a month which I don’t think is too much to put yourself out for. AIBU?

Yes once a month is a lot when you have got a pile of social engagements of your own to balance with it.

The problem here is you clearly have fuck all else in your life and you don't have anything else to do.

Maybe look at that and what else you have in your life.

Do not lay expectations on adult children. It won't end well.
That is all.

They’ve not been living together that long. They’ll be nesting, enjoying being grown ups, going out with friends. They won’t want to trek 50 mins after work that regularly for a big family gathering. Give it time. He’ll probably want to visit after a while if you take the pressure off. But kids do grow up and find their own path. Some don’t, but a lot do. Don’t take it personally. And stop blaming the girlfriend!

“She also doesn’t see her family much so I think she has convinced him it’s not necessary.”

She is right, it is not necessary, it is a choice. They are choosing not to come. If you have 15 of you for takeaway every week you have plenty of people already there to entertain you. You also say you and your husband see him once a month as well. Just relax a bit and say the invite is open for if he does want to come.

These things are cyclical. They ebb and flow. Your son is in an exciting time in his life. He has moved in with a partner for the first time. There is so much he will want to do. Keep your cool, make sure he always knows that he is welcome, do not blame his girlfriend, message him to check in, be happy for him that he is doing so well. He will come back at some point if you don't alienate him now.

Surely it’s better that your son comes to see you when he wants to than when he feels obliged to?

It's this. It's the expectation.
I have an adult married son who lives half an hour away. Our family "traditions" changed when he left for university and when he moved in with his now wife, of course they did.
We are very close but there are no rigid expectations of when and where we meet. I ask them to mine, they ask me to theirs, or we meet somewhere, often we make meals for each other, or we go out or sometimes we just have a cup of tea. We generally see each other once a week but that's in no way an expectation.
I am acutely aware of the fact that he has his own life, his own house and garden to take care of, his own friends and his own hobbies, and most of that needs to be done at the weekend because he works very hard. I'm really happy that he actively chooses to spend time with me, but if he's made other commitments of course I respect that, because he has his own life, of which of course I'm a very important part, but not the most important part, because that's his wife, as is only right.
Your son's girlfriend should take priority, what sort of relationship would it be if he didn't and he put his parents first, surely you can see that and respect that? Times move on, he's no longer just your child, he's a partner too. Don't make him feel bad about not seeing you so frequently, keep inviting him but without pressure and making him feel guilty.

This.

Also, you can't mandate a "close family" or "family values". Doesn't work like that.

Although you want him to make a commitment to visit regularly, this is unlikely to fit in with his lifestyle.

He’s working, has a partner and has made an independent life for himself. He’ll visit when he wants to.
You risk driving him away if you make it clear you don’t think that’s good enough

i take a leaf from my mum’s book. My sis and I would see her infrequently in our 20s Busy, couple of hours away, other things going on. She never made us feel bad. Now years later we see each other several times a week and live close by. We gradually saw each other more and more. Unthinkable then. If you start guilt tripping it might get worse and be like that permanently. Let him be.

I don’t think it is on the surface, but he’s getting older, they have plans, he’s tired, do they stay over or drive back….
It’s not much at all unless there are other gatherings, I’m lucky I don’t live far from DM but in heavy traffic it can take an hour.

I’m really surprised at these comments. You really think it’s too much to expect to see your child - who lives less than an hours drive away - once a month? OK maybe not a set day/time every time but I’d really hope I saw my kids more than once a month when they are older. This is part of why I hate being a mum of just boys as we can’t do right for doing wrong in most people’s eyes.

When you 'pop in' on him, does he actually want that to happen or is it fully driven by you as you 'expect' it to be fine as it's what you want?

Oh, @LindPat . Can’t you see HE has gradually let you go! Visits getting less and less regular. His GF jumping in saying it’s too far because she’d wish he would just bloody well say to your face what he says to her privately.

If there was any expectation for me to attend a 15-strong family meal just as I was trying to establish an independent adult life for myself, it’d have me running in the opposite direction.. as a one off, let alone monthly!

I'm also intrigued by the fact that you popping in on him is not as useful. What do you mean by that? It's an odd turn of phrase. Useful to who?

There are only 52 weekends in a year. Take off a few for holidays. Then split the rest between you, his girlfriends family, social events with his friends, social events with her friends….

When you’re in a couple your time is taken up more. It’s a good thing, you should be happy for him. You’ve done your job, time to loosen your grip now.

I can see why you’d feel disappointed. However, tactically, I think you need to take any pressure, expectation and obligation to visit away and just pretend to be super chilled about whether he does or doesn’t come or whatever. Otherwise you’ll push him away as he will resent the way it makes him feel. In time, you’ll find he comes back and starts visiting more frequently. Definitely don’t blame the girlfriend.

I’m a mum of boys. Both adults
There is no expectation of visits and it ebbs and flows. Sometimes it’s 3 times in a week (v rare). Sometimes it’s monthly

I can guarantee it would be less often if I started trying to ‘expect’ their attendance at set times and got huffy with them or their partners fir daring to have their own opinions on the matter

He's an adult who can make his own decisions, but can imagine it must be difficult to adapt when a child moves out.

After a week at work I could imagine nothing worse than a 1hour 40minute round trip for a take away. All I want to do is get in my comfies, in my own house and chill for the evening. Weekends go way too quickly.

You don't have any right to dictate your adult child's time though, male or female.

See this is just not true. Twenty years later, how many lads are still with random women they lived with for a year or so vs their mum's? DS is 30 and has lived with at least four women, maybe more I can't remember as they were tbh not that important to him or me. He is in touch with precisely one of them now and that's the one he currently lives with.
Yes OP. He bloody should be shifting his lazy arse over to you once a month. It's very little to ask. Don't undervalue yourself if this is important to you. There's no reason to think at this stage that this person will be a big part of his life.

He's an adult, living with his partner. Stop with the pressure and expectations.

What does "mother of boys" have to do with it?

As PP say its the "expectation" aspect which is the problem. They are a young couple expected to do a two hour round trip for a take away with 15 other members of the family after work on a Friday. OP is fine with the DS coming alone - that's nice for his partner. The OP visiting the DS doesn't work because the entire extended family have to be there for it to count. Its madness.

Lighten up on the expectations, make sure they know they are welcome when they can visit and the visits are likely to increase. Also stop discounting visits to them as having value without the entire tribe and stop claiming "strong family values" as an excuse to blame the potential DiL. It could just as easily be the DS glad of an excuse not to do a two hour round trip after work on a Friday.

I'm sorry but it comes across in your post that you just don't like his girlfriend and if that's true then they will both be aware. You're coming across very controlling which is only pushing your son further away. It's not her, it's you.

If you want a better relationship with your son then you'll need to try harder with his girlfriend which includes accepting that people are different and find socialising exhausting. 15! extended family in laws 😬😵‍💫

It doesn't matter how many women he may live with over the years, she still can't expect (aka demand) him to visit. From the way she's been posting, I'd keep it yearly at best.