AIBU to expect my son to visit once a month?

[LindPat]

My son moved in with his girlfriend about 10 months ago now. For the first 2 months he happily came up to us every week for the family takeaway night on a Friday, we have always done it, she would usually come with him. Then this decreased to every other week and she would come one out of the 2. It then went to just once a month which I did think was due to her having an influence as she stopped coming at all and will only come down for birthdays and events but my son has just said how he isn’t going to be coming up for the family takeaway night at all now and plans to just come when it’s the events and birthdays and then maybe if he really feels like it he might come for it but to not expect it anymore. I’m personally really unhappy with this, we hold strong family values and are a close family, his girlfriend less so which is why I think a lot comes from her. We live a 50 minute drive away from each other now and he says it’s too long after work to come for it, but it was only once a month which I don’t think is too much to put yourself out for. AIBU?

"The useful comment just means it makes more sense him to come to the Friday takeaway as he gets to see everyone in one visit."

Maybe he doesn't want to see veryone. Maybe he wants to have a life outside what you have decreed is a "close family".

Leave the poor fucker alone to live his life, in which he will include you as much as he wants to.

That was a gracious response to what has been a bit of a kicking, in which I am complicit. Hopefully you can step back a bit and it will iron itself out.

I genuinely thought many see their child more (as many have said on here it’s actually weekly they see them etc) so I thought my once a month expectation was really very reasonable

You aren't listening are you ?
It isn't seeing him at some point, fortnightly or monthly that is the issue.
It is demanding that it is the day and place and type of meet up that suits you.

Sometimes I see my dc when I make the effort to go and watch them play matches for their chosen sports. You know, taking an interest in their lives.

What normal young man wants to spend every single Friday night driving for nearly an hour to have a bloody takeaway with his mother? Are you serious? You don’t think he might want to, you know, spend his Friday nights and weekends doing stuff with his girlfriend and his mates, like any other young adult? Just because you’ve ’always’ had a family takeaway on a Friday that doesn’t mean it has to go on forever. He’s a grown man with a partner and a place of his own.

Sounds like the girlfriend has actually helped him break away and become independent and cut the apron strings.

I feel suffocated just reading your post. You sound really demanding and entitled.

Also, LOL at you describing the girlfriend as ‘very opinionated’. I think you have a fair few strong opinions of your own.

1. Stop framing it as an expectation! Be interested, warm, welcoming rather than laying out obligations and guilt trips.
2. Of course it would be lovely to see your son monthly or more often. But you're setting rigid terms on how this happens and clearly those terms don't suit them. Be flexible, make compromises, go out of your own way for once.

So he's picked a partner just like mum, then?

You seem to still be missing the point that it's not about frequency, it's about your expectation that they attend a particular family function.

I'd be very disappointed if I didn't see my kids once a month. But they see me at least three times a month because I make it easy for them. I let them decide a time and place that suits them. I'd never expect a get together on a Friday night. They have incredibly stressful jobs and I know they'll want to collapse on the sofa and recover.

We don't always do the same thing at the same time so the visit doesn't end up being an obligation. And if they're both busy all weekend, I just wish them happy times, and start another casual catch up chat (if they don't) the next week.

I agree. I hope you can smooth things over.

was going to post something along the lines of this

I don't have takeaway often, but surely it's something you have when you can't be arsed to cook - not drive two hours for after a day at work.

This.

People post on here about how MILs get a hard time, and I'm sure there's truth to that. But the misogyny I see time and time again in the posts of mother's of sons is crazy.

Their precious, innocent boys led astray by greedy, arrogant women who don't hold the same values.

And "opinionated"??? Really OP???

Realising that you are not the most important woman in your son's life shouldn't come as a shock. He isn't your husband.

OP, he is beginning his life as an independent adult. He is enjoying his freedom and establishing a balance that works for him. This will flow and change as life always does.

Being consistently supportive of BOTH him and any partner he has, will ensure that they feel welcome and not pressured.

Remember, this woman may end up being the mother of your grandchildren. Think long term.

You could be my MIL, I get blamed a lot for DH not going, but it’s literally nothing to do with me, I’m like go, don’t go, I just don’t care. But he slowly started pulling back because just a chunk of your Friday or weekend with a long drive isn’t great when you’ve got your own place, job, limited time, just normal adult stuff isn’t always practical combined with the guilt being applied when he doesn’t go, just makes the whole thing unenjoyable.

most adults just wouldn’t want to drive a two hour round trip on a Friday for a takeaway when they could be chilling out at home doing the same thing. Take the guilt off and try and do days out occasionally where you meet half way

To be fair, it would hurt if I knew it was just duty, but I'd still feel they should make an effort from time to time. I do believe (dysfunctional/toxic relationships aside) that people should make an effort for family at least occasionally, even if they don't always feel like it. Family relationships take effort just like other relationships.

The only way to repair the relationship is to take the pressure off and step back. It will only get worse if you don't. I agree asking him if he fancied meeting sometime this month (via WhatsApp not phone so he's not guilt tripped into anything by your tone or being put on the spot and can think about it) and where he'd like to do it would be a good start. After a bit of a break.

Because your family members only have one life too, and one day you'll be wishing for one more moment spent 'begrudgingly' with them?

Different in the case of negative family dynamics of course, but that doesn't sound to be the case with OP's family.

I don’t OP. I think seeing your family once a month is not a lot to ask for. Seems we are the odd one’s out on the thread.

Can you talk to him and ask him why he doesn’t want to come anymore?

As others have said, and from my own experience of a similar MIL, it won't be the meeting up that's the issue. It's the controlling way you go about it. There is no need to have set days to meet up, that makes it a duty rather than a pleasure and you'll find he meets you less and less because of this.

It's failing to respect that your son has his own life outside of your family group. You have to accept that if you meet up with him it will have to be at a time and place that works for you AND him and that will probably be without the 15 other people as thats just not feasible. He's a grown adult, he doesn't have to do everything on your terms anymore.

And stop blaming the girlfriend!!! I've taken the blame for this for 20 years. It's never been me, it's always been 100% her own son who finds his mum smothering, controlling and overwhelming.

He just says no to things, I try to tactfully explain the reasons why we aren't doing things (like your sons girlfriend seems to do) and suggest alternative things we could do. She blames me and double checks my 'excuses' as she is convinced I tell lies (i don't, theres no point anyway as she investigates everything i say!).

Final straw for me was about a year ago (20 years in!) when she accused me of one huge and quite ridiculous lie which made her and my FIL look really stupid and I realised she will never change. So I stopped trying and i stopped caring about them. I didnt shout or fall out but i just tell her to make arrangements for any meet up directly with her own son these days, i wont facilitate. The consequence is she's only had her grandchildren on her own for 2 hours in the last year. She now realises that the nasty wife was actually the one that kept re-building bridges and offering alternatives ways to meet up. She's pretty f**d on the meet ups and grandchildren stakes now as my husband won't make any effort.

I don't take any pleasure from this at all. I wish she would just meet us without the manipulation, control, expectations and demands for more and more. The mind games and bullying have caused my husband to have a breakdown. He's on antidepressants and sees a therapist weekly. I've struggled with sleepless nights and anxiety because of it too.

He tried to reach out to his dad and take him for a drink in a pub recently, just to try and keep that relationship going. She wouldn't allow it, insisted we ALL go (12 of us) and make it a big family gathering...he cancelled. It's sad, it's exhausting and it's all so unnecessary. If it wasn't like this we would meet weekly.

A cautionary tale, OP. Take heed.

Once a month is a lot to ask OP! I wouldn’t expect to see any of my grown boys that often

Motherhood is the only job in the world where you give your whole self to a person and the end game is for them to leave you.

You’ve done a good job, he’s spreading his wings, and as much as it hurts that’s what’s supposed to happen. Be there with open arms for this period of newly found freedom and it will pay dividends. Place conditions on his relationship with you now and pay the price later.

Mother of 3 adult sons here. I did the opposite and moved 2 hours away to get out of the city. They were welcome to come with me but didn't want to due to jobs/partners/friends etc. Only the teenager moved with us.
I honestly think I see more of them than before.
When they come to stay usually with gf ( not a string of them like pp's son) or oldest with fiancee they stay at least one night. And we spend the whole time together unless they say "feel like a good Thai dinner where do you recommend" and off they go for the evening. I do regret that I will be futher from grandchildren ( one's gf is pregnant) but they can come and stay for as long as they want if they like or we will mind GC while they go on holidays and we will visit , so I think it will work out.
My ex and I had to go to Sunday dinner every week , It was ok but fortnightly would have been better, thankfully I liked his siblings so it was fine.

Can we stop with the "sons go away when they grow up and never come back" trope too. Mine phone once a week. And it was ME that left.
Also, OP @LindPat you said they still come to events. Our life seems to be a series of "events". At least once a month, so you are seeing him ( xmas, birthdays - yours , your husbands , his and any other kids - mothers day, fathers day, easter, public holidays etc).
I sometimes randomly get a call " coming up for a few days if that suits" . They can work remotely ( well 2 out of 3 sons and 3 out of 3 gfs). Love it. The odd time that we havent seen each other for more than a month then I organise a lunch half way between us and confirm a date that suits everyone, usually a Sunday.
I have a life and they have a life. Love the weekly chats on the phone, and the random what works out to be roughly monthly visits.
Also know that they would drive the 2 hours day or night if I needed them, as would the many young men I know ( their friends) to help their families. They may not turn up every day, but they turn up when you need them and also just because they love you.😍

How often do you travel to visit him? Since you hold very strong family values surely you put the effort in too right? He's right, it's a long way there and back after work on a Friday. And if you blame her and create an issue, you'll only push him away.

Friday night dinner? Maybe the girlfriend is fed up with your husband being semi naked and eating out of the bin.

How old is your son?

I find anything I'm expected to do regularly a real chore. I have 4 adult children - only one lives at the same end of the country. I can't imagine expecting him to turn up on a specific day. It makes me feel claustrophobic and pressurised. Try making it more impromptu/varied/fun.

Your framing is all wrong - that’s the problem here.

It’s absolutely fine to hope that he would choose to come round at least once a month, but it is completely unreasonable to try to set this as an ‘expectation.’

You’re treating him like a child and it’s pushing him away. He’s an adult. You can’t tell him what to do anymore. You just have to hope that he chooses it for himself.

it seems that you recognise that’s she’s “very opinionated”, coz that’s what you are?

OP, it is hard letting get of your children as they become adults with their own developing opinions, and changes in lifestyle as they take on different influences in their life away from you.

I echo others when they say that if you you don’t “let go” of him, he may well let go of you.

For you own mental health, try not to let this get to you.
I have had to deal with my own dc transitioning into their adult independent life, it isn’t easy, or alway pleasant.
I can say tho, that if my parent had made requests or demands based on what she brought me up with traditionally, it would’ve pushed me away.
I loved my mother with all my heart, but I remember that when I was younger, I was far less involved with her than after I got past forty (ish), I don’t believe I was being selfish as such, it just didn’t occur to me to be on her doorstep all that often.

Growing up, our parents try to raise us to be independent, and in our young adult years we can think of our parents as independent.. and not needing us…..

It’s hard to learn painful lessons as a parent even after our children have reached maturity.

Good luck…