AIBU to expect my son to visit once a month?

[LindPat]

My son moved in with his girlfriend about 10 months ago now. For the first 2 months he happily came up to us every week for the family takeaway night on a Friday, we have always done it, she would usually come with him. Then this decreased to every other week and she would come one out of the 2. It then went to just once a month which I did think was due to her having an influence as she stopped coming at all and will only come down for birthdays and events but my son has just said how he isn’t going to be coming up for the family takeaway night at all now and plans to just come when it’s the events and birthdays and then maybe if he really feels like it he might come for it but to not expect it anymore. I’m personally really unhappy with this, we hold strong family values and are a close family, his girlfriend less so which is why I think a lot comes from her. We live a 50 minute drive away from each other now and he says it’s too long after work to come for it, but it was only once a month which I don’t think is too much to put yourself out for. AIBU?

Your problem is that you're expecting a commitment to a certain type of event on a certain day. For him to fit into this kind of tradition that you've invented. When you suggested a Sunday lunch, again, it wasn't a one off that you were suggesting, it was another regular family ritual that you were looking for.

I'm lucky that I see my adult DDs at least every other week and often weekly. But I don't have a plan and I don't stipulate a day or time. I'll message as we approach the weekend, asking if anyone's around and would like to catch up. Nearly every time, one or both will say that they're available and when, and offer a suggestion that can range from a quick coffee to a day out.

But importantly it's me that fits in around them. I don't act like a matriarch that they and their partners (and kids now) have to drop everything for, at a summons. They have busy lives, they work, they have hobbies, they have friends. If they have a gap in their weekend schedule I'm very glad that they're happy to see me. Sometimes we'll all meet up, sometimes only some of us are available.

The important thing is that they're choosing to see me. I don't want to be an obligation, and for them to be sighing and rolling their eyes when they set off.

Honestly OP, its the regularity and the expectation. Seeing your parents every couple of weeks because you pop in on each other is lovely. Having to go every month for a massive family meal, after work, is completely different. If you were more relaxed about it and it was just an open invite you'd probably.see him more. The girlfriend is a red herring- this detachment was inevitable when he moved 50 mins away.

Of course she's not keen! If I got the slightest whiff that I was expected to visit someone else's house every week, at the end of a long week at work, on usually the most social night of the week, an hour's drive away, to spend time with 15 members of her family, for a take away, because I was in a relationship with her son I'd be running on the opposite direction. Especially when it was this obvious the host hated me!
YAB totally U to have expectations of anyone else's time. Of course it would be nice if your son wanted to spend more time with you, but the key is the wanting to. Make those visits something he genuinely wants to do, not a family obligation.

Why are you infantilising him? He's a grown man in a relationship, not 14!
How do you know he "likes it"? You say yourself "he's changed his opinion slowly".
Yes , it's obviously something he no longer wants to do. And guilting him re his elderly grandparents is not on.

You say his GF is "opinionated" - that in itself is illustrative of your solipsistic view.

Read the room and let them be, OP 🙏🏼

I think the clue is in the word ’useful’. You seem to think every family member should see each other as often as possible, and the best way for that is him to come to the regular extended family meals. That is not the only way of being family, and like I said before, would drive me crazy. Maybe try different things, without everyone else always there.

Sounds like his girlfriend is voicing what he is saying to her behind closed doors & he’s just too afraid to hurt your feelings.

Do you choose what he’s having from the takeaway too?

The OP won't be back as she 'expected' a more 'useful' poll result and set of responses.....

I’m really sorry to say that sons will often follow this pattern. There are always exceptions, and he may find his way back, but it’s fairly common that once they settle down you see them less and if they go on to have kids they’re closer to the wife / girlfriends family.

Do you have daughters? I had 2 boys first and always wanted a girl for the above reason.

As a Mum it is really hard to let go ,but I have great relationships with my two children that have partners. They all know that they are welcome but not an expectation.
It works well for our family .
Other son is in Australia and it’s bloody hard and I have absolutely no expectations apart from him to be happy.

Bollocks, signed, a daughter.

Are you genuinely saying you'd have different expectations of a female child than a male one? Sexist in the extreme.

Can you tell us what the ‘useful’ comment means, it’s puzzled me.

I was described as opinionated from my ex in-laws. I never said anything their son hadn’t said but it’s only women who are opinionated isn’t it.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to see your children once a month, but I’d accept that that it wouldn’t be on a set day and there would be months when it just wouldn’t happen all. Also, I wouldn’t want to travel 50 minutes away on a Friday night - I couldn’t relax properly knowing I had the return journey ahead.

As an aside, I do find it infuriating if I try to have an amicable discussion with someone I’ve known for decades and their partner keeps butting in and talking for them.

Utter rubbish.

I see my adult son and my adult daughter about the same regularity.
Sometimes this might be a couple of times in a week, others, we might go 3 weeks without seeing one or the other. But there is no difference in pattern between them.

But they see me because they want to. Same as sometimes they meet up with cousins. Sometimes they trawl over to see their Grandmother. Sometimes my dc go out together with each other, but without us parents. It's by choice.
We do try to get together as extended family a couple of times a year, and some years there are other occasions (big birthdays etc), but no-one comes out of 'duty'. They come because they want to.

They are in their twenties, working, and living 50 minutes away. I probably see my eldest about once a month on average but it’s ad hoc and sometimes they suggest something and sometimes we do. Neither of us would like being tied to a set night a month, what if there’s a live band at their local, or their friends are all going out, as tends to be the case in your twenties? 15 of you probably is a bit much for the gf really but I doubt it’s all her.

I’d suggest that you let him know your Friday takeaways are an open invitation to come whenever they want and just to let you know on the day if they are coming; take the pressure off, and perhaps think about meeting them without the whole tribe at a nice place somewhere between where you and they live for the odd lunch and mix things up a bit.

Do you have a WhatsApp chat with your son or son and girlfriend? It can be an easy non intrusive way of keeping in touch and sharing interesting or funny things, as long as you don’t post multiple things a day and harumph if you don’t get an immediate response. If you have any common interests like a sport or live music or science or fiction you can share links. I know it sounds banal you need most of your interactions to be mostly outward looking rather than inward looking. I suspect that your son feels a lot of your current dynamic is you pursuing closeness from different angles and talking “family” rather than engaging and enjoying their company when you actually have it.

How would you feel about spending one Friday evening a month at your son’s girlfriend’s house with a large number of her family or closest friends and the only person you know properly is your son? Your family has its own culture and in jokes and you’ve all always known each other so with multiple generations present I bet most of the talk is bits of “news” of all the participants but even the most empathetic unrelated person would struggle to be enthralled by monthly detailed updates on Debbie’s house sale; Alan’s leg ulcers; Lindsey and Neil’s neighbours neighbours and little Elsie’s progress on potty training.

I'm so glad I don't care about that sort of thing anymore (never did that much but more than now).

6 months ago I bought 3 jumpers online that turned out to suit me and I've worn them in rotation since. I'm just sad they've stopped making them otherwise I'd happily wear those for years...

The thing I don't get is that people who follow these trends don't really seem to see that they are just trends. It's so short sighted if nothing else to do something irreversible like breast implants.

Plot twist - the ‘opinionated’ girlfriend announces they are pregnant & are having a shotgun wedding while you and your 84 family members are tucking into some chicken Bhuna’s.

I think you're being unreasonable. It's 2 hours of driving on a work night, anf he's tired. My husband's family tried to get us over once a month, on Sundays 12-6. It was too much as we both worked full time. The weekends were needed to clean the house, do laundry and cook wholesome dinners (after 5 days of processed food!) Let them come on birthdays and special occasions, he can always ring you in between.

Pot kettle black 🤣

@Hdjdb42that would have been 72 hours a year eating Sunday lunch with your In laws…

This is sad, but I guess it's basically a 2 hr round trip so understandable and as he's young he probably has a busy social schedule. You should also go and visit.

Are you going to your mother's house for takeaway night?

No?

There you are then.

The useful comment just means it makes more sense him to come to the Friday takeaway as he gets to see everyone in one visit. The reason we stopped having it at the grandparents house is because they are too elderly to host, but it’s always been a Friday takeaway where all the family come over

it might be too many people for the girlfriend but like I said, she doesn’t even come to it anymore anyway, even when my son was

i am genuinely taking comments on board but of course I didn’t think I was actually in the wrong to start with or I wouldn’t be thinking this way and I admit I was hoping for some more understanding to see how to go about fixing this situation but clearly I am way off on how others think, I genuinely thought many see their child more (as many have said on here it’s actually weekly they see them etc) so I thought my once a month expectation was really very reasonable

I don't think you can generalise based on sex.

I've 2 sons, both have partners, one of whom keeps her distance (nicely) while the other is completely integrated into our family, more so than her own.

It really depends on the personalities involved, and the dynamics of the families they come from. Most of us will gravitate to wherever we feel at ease.

You kind of remind me of my own family. Ever since I got married and moved further away from my parents house my mom is constantly telling me that she needs to see me more. I visit her and the whole family at least twice a month but she still makes me feel guilty and honestly it makes me more distant from her. I'm sure your son loves you and the extended family as I do, but try to understand that young adults have so much on their plate with work, house chores or even spending some time with their friends that they can't make the time to visit you more often.

Maybe she has opinions about how she spends her fridays. Seems reasonable. She hasn’t married into your sons responsibilities.