To say stay-at-home mums have it easier than full-time workers?

[ThatTaupeOtter]

I work FT in a demanding job. I’ve got a friend who’s a SAHM and constantly talks about how exhausting it is, how she never gets a break, how I’m “lucky” to get adult conversation. But she doesn’t have to commute, deal with office politics, or constantly prove her value. I get home and still have to parent. AIBU to think she actually has it easier and that she’s being a bit dramatic?

Women who work full time and raise their children are absolutely the cornerstone of the workforce to my mind. You are amazing people and I take my hat off to you. I was a SAHM for ten years and it was an absolute privilege to be able to. I am now part time in a job that works around raising my kids and that too is an absolute privilege.

Stay at home parents often only think about the alone time, adult conversation and socialisation aspect of work in this debate and don't pay much attention to the stress, guilt and physical demands.

Work out of the home parents often only think about the fun trips out, baking days, laughter and cuddles and don't pay much attention to the boredom, financial pressures, general pressures, isolation and guilt in this debate.

Both are sometimes harder, both are sometimes easier, both have a huge amount of variables.

I wouldn't have had kids if I had to be a SAHM. I loved my job and found all day with kids bored me rigid. Hats off to anyone who can do it. DH stayed home - his job was boring and I earned a lot more. He l9ced being a SAHP. Surely it's horses for courses?

Haha I haven’t said that but I’ve definitely thought it during one of her ‘you’re so lucky’ monologues.

The irony is, she could work part-time if she wanted to but she’s chosen to stay at home, which is totally her right. I just wish that choice didn’t come with constant commentary about how much easier I must have it. I’m not looking to compete, just not to have my reality downplayed.

It has nothing to do with making me feel better. But thanks for caring.

SAHM and I look forward to going back to work once daughter’s free hours kick in.

Working was way easier for me. I enjoyed my bus/train to work where I could just read or listen to a podcast/music, adult conversation that didn’t always involve children or food, could eat while it was hot without someone hovering or asking me for something the moment I picked up my fork, quiet, can go to the loo alone, not being touched every five minutes , etc. I enjoyed my job and work was a break for me.

I never felt guilty for being away from them. I was happier and more present and not just counting down the time to bedtime.

Maybe time to be honest with the sahm friend about the stress of juggling and commuting and doing the job. Amazingly myopic of her.

Both busy but the worker is on someone else's clock with deadlines, the SAHM is not. The difference is huge.

No name change here, this is literally my first post! Not embarrassed, just honest about a dynamic that’s been bothering me.

It’s funny how raising a personal frustration, even with nuance, immediately gets interpreted as something I’d want to hide. I actually think these conversations need more honesty, not less.

I would've definitely said it by now.

If she wants to complain about it, fine but there's no need for her to bring you into it and make out that you have it so much easier.

I’ve done both. I haven’t found either particularly stressful, although I missed my children dreadfully when I worked full time, which is what ultimately led me to become a SAHM.

This is a personal one. It's always going to depend on your own challenges and demands. If you love your career then it will be easier going to work but if you dread it or have a hard time then obviously staying at home is more desirable.
What I will tell you is that it isn't easy looking after young children full time. Especially if you do the night feeds etc too.

Yeah, she's a lazy cow. You are a goddess. Get on with YOUR life, or change it if YOU are unhappy with the way things are.

Assuming she has small dc at home all the time or most, then I think equally hard just in different ways and depends on the person/dc involved. I know I need the break from dc and the routine of work. Then I can be a better parent the days im with them. I just find the multi tasking and endlessness a bit relentless. I wish I could do up my house and keep it all spotless with toddler in tow but I find it hard to keep my eye on all the balls. At work I can focus on an individual ball at a time!

Still, as a sahm (unless you're looking after many tinies eg twins or have to stay home eg with a disabled child) is generally going to be in a situation especially with the new funding where it's possible to break even going to work at least part time. So she could change things.

I’ve done both. I work full time in a high powered job and I’m the breadwinner in our family. Often days are 8-8 when things are busy.

Right now I’m on a year’s maternity leave, so a stay at home parent full time to a 4 year old and a 5 month old.

I can say without question I find staying at home much, much harder.

But, there will be some women who find the opposite. Does it matter? Why are we comparing? Surely your friends experience finding things hard is an opportunity to offer sympathy and support, not to play a game of shit end of the stick top trumps?

I could not survive office politics. Tried it. So on this account, ok, I get what you are saying

Given that you’re new here and this one has gone so well, can I recommend a thread on breast vs formula next?

Or I love my MIL why are people so mean about them? Or step mums are evil? Perhaps one on packed lunches?

I think being a SAHM to pre-schoolers is much harder than working... coming from a working mum!
Yes I have to juggle childcare / work pressures / illnesses etc, but the freedom from 8-5.30 is incredible!

I love my children to bits! But keeping them entertained is harrrrrd work!

Here we go. Working parents are ‘outsourcing’ all their parenting. Wonderful, thanks for that!
Why must people justify their own choices by criticising others? Can we not just agree that people can make different, equally as valid choices?
That goes for both SAHP or working parents. Everyone has a different set of circumstances and financial
constraints.
But no.

Depends on the child, one of mine I could have happily stayed at home with forever but the other I’d have been sectioned by now if I couldn’t have escaped to work.

Really hate the ‘this has been done before’ mentally - you might be on this app day and night but for others it might be their first time. Just scroll on by.

SAHMs with children under 5 - might have it even harder than working mums, SAHM with kids at school - doesn’t come close to working full time. Every decent person I know in the second example say they ‘don’t work’ and don’t try to wrap it up in parenting/mumming - thank god.

I was a SAHM for 5 years with my first 2 children - I went back to work after 6 weeks with my 3rd.
I have to be honest and say that, on balance, I found being a SAHM much harder. It was boring, relentless, thankless and never-ending. At work I got positive feedback from my bosses, socialising with my colleagues - I got to finish a sentence without being interrupted, I got to eat my lunch in peace. And, when I was REALLY tired, the stimulation of work kept me awake

So, actually, I think you are being unreasonable I'm afraid

Depends on circumstances. For the time I was a sham I had 4 children under 6. My husband was working nights. So it was really busy getting children to school/nursery and having others still at home full time. I’d be out a fair bit do we didn’t wake him and then all the housework had to be fitted in. I was incredibly organised though I had my bedtime routine with them.

There’s (let’s pick a number) 35 jobs that need doing at home each week. If you work full time, that’s 40 less hours than someone who stays at home to do said jobs.

Don't worry about it, it's a very short sighted way of looking at what parenting is. It's the same when people bang on about nurseries raising children.

Don't pay any attention to it. Nurseries care for children but they don't parent them or raise them, of course they don't.