To say stay-at-home mums have it easier than full-time workers?

[ThatTaupeOtter]

I work FT in a demanding job. I’ve got a friend who’s a SAHM and constantly talks about how exhausting it is, how she never gets a break, how I’m “lucky” to get adult conversation. But she doesn’t have to commute, deal with office politics, or constantly prove her value. I get home and still have to parent. AIBU to think she actually has it easier and that she’s being a bit dramatic?

I work full time, my child is 24 lol

However, my 2 team members that both work part time, swear they come to work for rest/adult conversations.

They both have 2 girls each. 3 girls at nursery. 1 at primary school. Their DH's work random hours, including early start, late night, away from home, weekends. So not much help with the children.

Both say being at home with their children is far harder work than coming to work.

@Bluebell865you’re right. As a working mum I’m constantly chasing my tail and trying not to drop any of the spinning plates. Having to work and meet my employer’s expectations is a lot of pressure. If you don’t work you’re not subject to performance appraisals and constant targets that have to be met if you want to keep a roof over your head. I think a lot of the SAHM who complain (and I know it’s not all) would soon want to swap back after a few weeks of scraping ice off the car in the dark ready to commute in January and worrying about paying the bills.

I became a SAHM 3 years ago to my toddlers after working full time. I have much older children and worked when they were little too. I am far more exhausted now than when I was working full time. I never switch off. I spend my days doing groups, park trips, soft play, shopping, cooking, ironing, washing and cleaning. As well as stopping my twins from killing themselves or each other. I’m not sure if it’s because they’re twins but I am exhausted, mentally and physically.

Been both.
My answer is that it totally depends on the situation - financial, number of children, partner’s job, and as many other factors as there are contributors to this thread.

I was a stay at home mum of two. It’s definitely easier than working full time. I can’t dress it up and disguise it. BUT and this is huge - it’s no where near as good for your mental health. It’s relatively lonely and doesn’t have the same positive results on your independence, self confidence and sense of self worth. So yes easier but more enjoyable no!

That's just having twins. It's a whole other level.

My twins are turning 1 at the end of the month and I can't believe I've almost survived the first year. 😂

Why can’t women accept that being a mum is hard regardless? if you are a sahm or work part time or full time, if you had a c section or vaginal birth, if you bottle or breast, being a mum is hard work!

Enviromental factors like support from partners and family or money etc can also change things

It's peak Daily Fail - the whole thing.

Kids in school SAHM much easier.

Newborn twins, work is a holiday!

I might be missing the point here, but do the men in our lives factor in to this 'argument' at all? Its always SAHM's not stay at home parents. As far as I can tell (I haven't read all the posts sorry) its all about how we must prove our worth as women. In that we have to prove how hard we work, how we do so much more than the SAHM or the working outside the home mum.

So do men worry about this? Do men say to themselves I feel tired, overwhelmed, taken for granted? So rather than trying to change the imbalances in their lives they compare themselves to other men? Do they worry, he earns more than me, he has more quality time with his kids, he seems to be a better provider than me, he's a more positive role model than me. No, not generally I don't think and that's why this whole argument it bullshit.

I hate seeing posts like this, they sting because we are hurting each other. We should use our brains and hearts and think that the status quo is very beneficial isn't it? Not for us as a whole though is it?

I am a home educating mum. That means I teach my kids, do all house work, all bigger cleaning tasks, all shopping, all the appointments, medications, all the remembering and so on. I asked my husband for equal free time as he chooses to study in the evenings. I had to give up my course because I am the default parent, always on call, with no break. I chose this. I understand that and I don't want any one to feel sorry for me and say that I have it any worse than anyone else, who works outside the home, or has more kids than me, or kids with additional needs and so on. But it hurts.

However he said no because I don't work as hard as he does so he doesn't believe I deserve it. He doesn't see the invisible labour, physical or emotional. I hate being told I am worthless because I don't have a wage. He expects me to make his lunches!

Right I have strayed off the point now because I am feeling sorry for myself!

Bottom line, men weaponize their jobs whether women work outside the home or not.

We feel the need to prove ourselves. We have no empathy for each others situations. I find it unbelievable how many people have said here, that one life choice is harder/more superior than the other

Congratulations on surviving the year! It’s feral being a twin parent but it does get easier! Well in some ways 😂 they answer back now!

I stayed at home for 10 years to bring up my kids at it was hard work. There were perks like putting the baby in the creche at the gym a couple of mornings a week, but generally you were governed by nursery and school runs and if you were ill tough luck. Going back to work was a welcome break. However I did work when the first 2 were little and that was hard too, getting them up and off to the childminder then always rushing to get to work on time.

I did a few months of SAHM, not easy but definitely easier than working FT and still come home, do parenting, do admin, etc

Same with a working Mum with a shit husband, or a divorcee with a shit ex husband.

Yes 😁. She needs to brace herself for the slings and arrows of outraged MNs 😂

I’ve done both and of course being a SAHM is easier. Your friend obviously thinks so too, or she’d get a job.

Your mate is obviously forgetting that FT working parents have to fit all their kid and domestic chore life in after doing a FT days work. ( assuming they don’t have. SAHP to do it for them….).

They is no need to be starved of adult company as a SAHP. There are plenty of things you can do to be with other adults, whether your kids are at school or not.

I genuinely don’t understand SAHM who pretend being a SAHM is a tough deal. I’ve had a SAHM parent of one ten year old, in school child tell me how it’s ’not As much time as I think’ , when she has no more to do than I do, ( less in fact as I have more kids) and has over seven hours more time a day to do it in. ( even though I’d never commented that I think she has more time).

I have another SAHM whose kids are in school and she’s perfectly open about what a brilliant life she has, and how it means both she and her husband and whole family have a better life because of it. She has much more time and energy for socializing with adults than I do!

I fully support SAHM. I think it’s a brilliant life I’d do in a heartbeat if I could afford it. I just don’t understand why some pretend it’s not. If you genuinely find it too hard and envy FT working parents, get a job.

I was a SAHM for 10 years, and now I’m working … it depends.

Spending all day with small children, even if you break it up with naps and play dates, is relentless and boring / fun. But then, so can work be I guess.

For me having a willing SAHM benefits the whole family and makes life easier for everyone, as long as you can handle living on one salary. The children don’t have to cope with the stress of going to crèche / nursery with they are very young, it’s not a big problem if a child is sick etc. My friends who worked seemed to constantly be rushing from one place to the next, and a sick kid would throw the whole thing into chaos and stress, especially if there are no grandparents to help out.

Do they worry, he earns more than me, he has more quality time with his kids, he seems to be a better provider than me, he's a more positive role model than me

@Stuffnfluff

Men do think like this yes. I have had conversations with men who worry about exactly this, or with the wives of men who think like this. My best male friend, the richest man I know, recently told me he spent most of his life feeling low status and a failure as, with his social
circles, he knows even richer men who have had even more successful careers. Men generally are very competitive.

As for your situation, being a homeschooling SAHM with a husband like yours is a very precarious place to be. He clearly does not respect what you are doing. Men like like this quickly start to resent ‘their’ money going on you. They start to see you as a freeloader. Then they try to hide their assets, wait till the kids are grown , divorce you and bugger off. Seen it happen before. Nearly all of the home educators I know also have a job of some sorts. I’d advise that for you, to give you some sort of independence and something to build on if you do need to be financially self supporting. I hope you ensure he is paying into a pension for you too.

I was thinking this. Depends on kids and age. A never ending day of the tantrum stage and night feeds on top would be hard.
But school age kids and working full-time so being on it till you crash out hard.

Think the comparison swaps around.

Obviously a child with disabilities would be a whole other dimension to gauge.

That would depend on your child or children and if you have any support it not, and your job and how full on it is .
Personally I found working FT in an office job considerably less stressful and exhausting than being a STAHM.

Depends entirely on individual circumstances.

My husband worked away Monday-Friday for years. I was at home with our children, youngest aged 2 when it began. I also hosted German A level students from our local college, looking after up to 3 at a time as working outside of the home wasn’t possible. They were 16/17 year olds and they really were a 24/7 job on many occasions. Add the dogs, cats, guinea pigs, fish, a 5 bed house and 2 large gardens to maintain without assistance, and yes,, it was exhausting.

My husband flew back every Friday evening (he worked 400 miles away) and I collected him from the airport, with our sleeping 2 year old and a grumpy 11 year old in the car.

He was exhausted too. We were equally worn out every weekend. It wasn’t a competition, though! We were a team and did what we had to do for our family.

If you work with small children, it's quite easy to make a comparison and being at home with your own handful of children in undoubtedly easier. That doesn't mean it's more enjoyable though.

I found it laughable when the HV talked to me about the challenges of looking after one baby (who I breastfed constantly and who didn't sleep for a year) when I was used to being on my own with a class of thirty AND was expected to actually teach them things. Having two or three children didn't change that...still easier than 30. But being a SAHM isn't for me and I do commend those who have the patience for it and the motivation to do it well. I also imagine the financial side can be stressful in its own right.

Another goady thread started by someone with a colour in their username. Aren’t you bored yet?

Totally agree. There is so much jealousy and “I’m better because I do this” it’s actually vile. What works for one family doesn’t necessarily work for others.
and while a lot of parents on here think they’re most hard done by, we can’t judge another persons situation.
Be kind

Yes exactly! What works for one family might not work for another. I hate the “I love my baby more that’s why I don’t work” or “I love my family more that’s why I want to provide”

I also feel there’s a lot of judgement with nursery, if you send your child to nursery too soon or too late people seem to judge.

Notice there’s no judgement on fathers, it’s mainly woman that get it in the neck BY OTHER MUMS! Which makes it worse.

Let’s all agree being a mum is hard work sometimes.

Both OP and her friend are unreasonable imo, neither have it better or worse than the other and friends shouldn’t be saying things like “you’re lucky x y z” when they haven’t been in that position.