To say stay-at-home mums have it easier than full-time workers?

[ThatTaupeOtter]

I work FT in a demanding job. I’ve got a friend who’s a SAHM and constantly talks about how exhausting it is, how she never gets a break, how I’m “lucky” to get adult conversation. But she doesn’t have to commute, deal with office politics, or constantly prove her value. I get home and still have to parent. AIBU to think she actually has it easier and that she’s being a bit dramatic?

I've done both and, while neither are easy, it was definitely nicer being a SAHM than having to go to work every day.

Both are hard, in different ways. Can we not just all support each other? I recall being told when my first DC was about 18 months, how lucky I was to have nursery and a break. I would have loved to be with my child and I was incredibly stressed with work and at the end of my tether. This statement infuriated me. However, maybe that Mom was at the end of her tether aswell, with being a SAHM.

I now just do what I need to do. I don’t look for validation from anyone else and earn the money required to feed and house my children.

Haha noted! I’ll save ‘Breastfeeding at gunpoint’ and ‘My MIL is my best friend, AIBU?’ for next week.

Honestly, I didn’t realise this would ruffle quite so many feathers. I thought it was a fairly ordinary frustration a lot of working parents might relate to. But thanks for the warm Mumsnet welcome - baptism by fire and all!

I've been both. Being a sahm was exhausting and relentless, because there's no finish time or breaks! I didn't have the money to do anything nice either! I loved being at work as it was nice to have a break from the children, and have adult conversations!

We have no help and no nannies and no after school childcare as have two ND kids. We both work full time. I have had a period of a year of being a sahm and so has my husband been a sahd for a year and it was sooo much better for everyone with one parent at home. However, the relentless bore of household chores and the expectation that the stay at home parent will do tha majority is very waring for the sah parent. It feels like your partner is progressing and has freedoms you do not. However i did join a gym with a creche and was the fittest I have ever been. I think if you have money to do nice things and kids are at school it has to be quite a nice life. But my mum did that forever and then resented not having a career. If you have help in either scenario then things are easier. It really is an individual circumstance and personality. If you have always dreamed of being a sahm and your partner is earning well then you can have a nice life, but if you are on the breadline with pre schoolers and an rubbish husband I imagine it feels like being caged.

If that's all you're trying to say then why such a divisive, combative title? It's literally - Am I being unreasonable to say stay-at-home mums have it easier than full-time workers?.

Personally I find having a job and no kids an absolute CHORE. And god, when I’m on annual leave and the sun is shining it’s even worse. It’s so bloody hard and exhausting that sometimes I don’t even have the energy to open my champagne. I have to call the butler to do it. I do wish all these mothers who work or don’t work would stop fighting with each other and really try to just understand how terribly difficult my life is. I simply cannot believe anyone could possibly have circumstances more difficult than me.

I am a SAHM and do not give a shit what you or any other mother chooses to do with her life. If you’re really as happy as you claim to be, why start a whole thread about this?

And you are VERY unreasonable for claiming you “aren’t trying to attack all SAHMs” or whatever, after giving your thread this particular title.

Very tiresome topic and thread.

So why don't you have a conversation with her about the difficulties from your side, why let her go off on a monologue about how lucky you are? If she's a good friend then you should both equally be able to talk about your struggles and happiness.

After 25 years of corporate life I’m suffering. Years of commuting, sitting at a desk, hours at a computer, the pressure of the job, major periods of work related stress which have impacted my physical and mental health. My eyes are deteriorating, my brain is programmed into fight or flight, my skeleton is suffering from desks and laptops.

year after year after year this physical damage happens in careers. It’s worse in some, like building or nursing, but I would argue it really isn’t happening to a SAHP for any particular reason.
I do think for that reason, the long term prospects are throughout your life as a SAHP for a long period of time so I would argue it’s certainly easier in that respect.

im a working parent btw so have it harder than anyone😂

Of course it's easier, it's not a popular view on here though and as you've already seen you'll get plenty of outsourcing parenting so of course it's easier and the like.

I've been a working full time mum, a working part time mum and for the vast majority of the time a sahm.

Honestly.... everyone's situations are different. There's so many variables....number of children, age of children, partner you have, support system you have...I don't think you can always say one is easier than the other.

We are all different.
I didn’t enjoy maternity leave. I found it tiring, boring, lonely.
I much prefer being at work although I do love my son!

For me work is easier than staying home with my kids. My two are preschool so they're often unreasonable and frustrating: they (thoughtlessly) sabotage my actions, have meltdowns at critical times in preparing food for them, and hurt and shout at each other randomly. Thankfully, my colleagues do none of this.

It is quite stressful day in and out getting to and from work while managing dropoffs and pickups and sicknesses and struggling for free time. I still choose it over staying home day after day with the kids, partly it's the money but mostly it's less isolating and frustrating than being with the kids all the time.

Honestly both are exhausting in their own way. Although I’m currently on MAT leave, I usually work 4 days (solicitor so quite demanding/can be stressful) and I solo parent on my day off…. rest assured I am exhausted come the evening of my day off with my 4 year old 🙈😂

Depends on the job, the children and your personality.

I've never understood why having it harder necessarily makes one a better or more valuable human being though.

The last time I was under 10 stone was during 6th form.

I’m currently floating around 9 stone.

That’s due to breastfeeding, not having time to eat and being ‘on the go’ all day.

DH recently had two weeks AL and took over the lion share of DD to give me a break/give me time to do some decorating. He honestly looked like a broken man. The week he went back to work was the hardest as boiling frog syndrome must have kicked in.

I feel extremely privileged to be able to spend every day with DD by not being employed. I do wish I could use ‘Full time mum’ as I do feel like being a mum is my full time role/best describes my current title. The irony is we are rarely at home. Groups/activities most mornings then afternoons spent burning energy/enrichment out and about. just enough time in the house to absolutely trash it.

BUT, all of the above I don’t ever think working mums have it easy/easier. Different challenges/stressors/battles.

I've also done both and am much happier working full time

Think we're all built for different things, so what's harder isn't really comparable factoring in so many variables and different contexts

It's not a competition.

Personally I find being a sahm easier than working. I basically hate working and love playing with DC. But I remember a friend from a decade ago who said parenting was the hardest thing in the world and much harder than any job.

Depands on the parent, the child, the job and the circumstances.

I don’t enjoy being a mum who has to work full time. I find it too hard to fit everything else in around work. My job has also been tough over the last while with people leaving, new staff needing trained up and an ever increasing workload. That said, I couldn’t be a SAHM. I love the idea of being able to spend days as I want and have a cleaner house, but I feel like I would get so bored after a while and all the days/years would start blurring together. I think working helps me keep a bit of my own identity outside of being a parent and I like receiving my own money too.

That’s fair - the title was definitely provocative but that’s kind of the nature of AIBU, isn’t it? People often come here to throw out a blunt take and then unpack it in the thread.

The title reflected my raw frustration in that moment - feeling like my challenges were being brushed off. But in the actual post and replies, I’ve tried to be clear that I respect both roles, I’m not attacking SAHMs, and I’m just trying to express how hard it can be to constantly feel like your struggles aren’t seen because they don’t ‘look’ as exhausting from the outside.

I get that it’s a loaded topic but if we can’t talk honestly about these things, especially among other parents, then where can we?

This has been done to death.

I think it's very circumstantial. I became a sahm unwillingly but I'd never have called it hard or boring. Started another degree when dc1 was 8 months old and took on a load of voluntary work. However dc1 in particular was very laid back as a small child. As long as we went for a walk every day, he was fine. We did a lot of activities, crafts and spent ages throwing pebbles in the sea. Dc2 was trickier but parenting her was just easier because I was more confident as a mother.

Why is it so important for this person to “see” your struggles? Does it matter? It’s ironic because your title shows you clearly don’t “see” any struggles SAHMs may have.

I was a SAHM for six years and now I work FT. I found being a SAHM much less stressful, but it could get boring and I felt a little out of the loop.

I do find people who are constantly harping on how difficult their lives are very irritating - what do they want - a misery medal?