To say stay-at-home mums have it easier than full-time workers?

[ThatTaupeOtter]

I work FT in a demanding job. I’ve got a friend who’s a SAHM and constantly talks about how exhausting it is, how she never gets a break, how I’m “lucky” to get adult conversation. But she doesn’t have to commute, deal with office politics, or constantly prove her value. I get home and still have to parent. AIBU to think she actually has it easier and that she’s being a bit dramatic?

i worked FT after my first 2 children in a demanding role. I hated it. I felt like I wasn't doing anything right and I found it hard when the kids were sick. I had no patience and felt like I was just waiting for everyone to be in bed. I kept telling myself that 'it'll get easier and I'll feel less guilty when they're both in school'.

after my third child, I've taken a 'career break' - 12 months Mat leave + an extra 18 months. I can't face the guilt / stress on juggling work and home. It's tiring and quite draining to be with the kids all day everyday but it is less stressful than trying to work and parent at the same time. Just my experience. Everyone is different though.

You don’t need to push back on any narratives. Just get off line for a while. Nobody IRL cares about this kind of thing. It’s only online there’s this sahm versus working mother bs.

Why the competition @ThatTaupeOtter?!

At the end of the day - absolutely everyone has different circumstances and different things they find stressful!

I work PT (3 days per week) while DC are at nursery. I have no child free time other than my work. I have a fantastic DH but he works at sea for weeks on end so while he’s gone I do it all. I also have no family around so all sick days etc fall on me. I also have an autoimmune condition that affects my health in various ways.
I get told all the time that people “don’t know how I manage” etc.

But in reality I wouldn’t fancy trying to work FT or being a SAHM.

I don’t think I’m competing with my friend, I’m responding to the fact that she seems to be. When someone repeatedly tells you how lucky you are, how easy your job must be, or how they’d rather be in your shoes, it’s hard not to feel a little defensive… especially when you’re juggling long hours, parenting, and the constant guilt that comes with trying to do both well.

I’ve got nothing against SAHMs, I agree both paths require sacrifice and I respect anyone doing their best. But I don’t think being empathetic means you can’t also say ‘hey, this is hard for me too.’

That’s all I was trying to say.

Mine are adult now and I was a sahm for 3 years when I had 3 kids and then I became a childminder. When youngest was 6 I went back out to work. I enjoyed both but being at home was great because I had lots of mum friends, if you don't have that I imagine it's quite difficult and lonely.

I really wish women could just support each other on this. Like mothers don't get enough shit and disrespect from society at large. Some SAHM's have a much tougher job than you do. Some mum's who work outside the home have it harder. There are about a million variables. Why the fuck does it matter? Why the endless need to compete against women who have different lives?

I’ve done both. I’d say that working f/t is physically harder, especially as you still have all the other stuff to do in the evenings/weekends and never get a chance to relax.

I found being a SAHM to be mentally tougher - boring, brain-numbing, lonely and depressing.

Once the DCs were at school I dropped to 4 days and life was so much easier.

It depends on the children and whether you enjoy being with them. I have always enjoyed being with children (worked as aupair/nanny/nursery) so I loved being a sahm. One of my children turned out to be autistic so I'm not going to say it was as easy as it could have been as he's extremely demanding. If my children would have been neurotypical being a sahm would have been really easy and enjoyable for me because it's in my nature to care for others. Whereas I have friends who had the possibility to be sahm but said they would rather eat razor blades because they craved being around adults and not being around their children all the time. We're all different but I do under that it must be tiring listening to somebody complain about being a sahm when they could just find childcare and work if they aren't happy.

I’ll bite!

I personally find being a SAHM to a likely ND 3 year old child (awaiting assessment) to be more relentless than when I worked as an NHS hospital doctor. Granted I’ve never parented a neurotypical kid so can’t comment on that, and I’ve never worked whilst being a parent so can’t comment on juggling both.

My husband works as an anaethetist in theatre and ICU and he says he finds work more of a break than when he is on annual leave and parenting - truly.

There’s no easier/harder blanket rule, as I’m sure you realise, it’s all down to personal circumstances and each family set up will be different

of course it's easier. When you work FT, you have so many layers of added stress. Performance at work, commute, plus you still have to run a household. Admin is more as you need to sort out childcare, holiday clubs. When the DC is a baby it's hard work but once they are in school, it's a doddle. I wouldn't even call that a sahm but unemployed. I think it's a totally valid choice and I can see why it works better for loads of families but claiming it's harder, hell no!

It’s not a ‘right-wing’ post - its a reflection on a personal frustration in a friendship and a broader question about how we talk (or don’t talk) about the different pressures in parenting roles.

Just because a perspective doesn’t fit a certain narrative doesn’t make it political. Not everything is cultural war content - some of us are just tired and trying to figure things out like everyone else.

Surely it depends on the situation? I work hybrid and don’t really notice the commuting days. But I’ve worked in different teams and one was manic and stressful and one was calm and productive. Totally different experiences whether I’m commuting or not.
Also it’s not a competition.,

I’ve been a SAHM, a WAHM, and a full time working mum outside the home. I can say, categorically, that each was very challenging in different ways. I was more exhausted when I worked outside the home but way more emotionally and mentally drained as a SAHM.

It’s not a bloody competition, everyone has hardships. You and your friend obviously BOTH feel you are not getting enough support, that’s the real issue. Women should be supporting each other not tearing strips off each other about who has it harder. It’s so boring and exactly what the patriarchy wants us to do.

Instead of competing with other women for who has it harder, lets all agree that men have it easier and we've all drawn the shorter straw in terms of mental load.

@ThatTaupeOtter if money was no object, if it wouldn't impact your career and you could walk back into your job the minute you wanted to, would you chose to be a SAHM?

So you decided to slip in some snide comments about WOHMs to balance things out? Classy.

WOHMs may outsource some childcare, but they don't outsource their parenting by the way.

Depends on how much you enjoy your job and how old the kids are.
I work in a pretty demanding professional services role. The type of job where most people I work with have a stay at home spouse. Instead my husband also has the same type of role. So it’s full on.
But I love it, and I work part time (3 days per week). And my kids are 3 and 1.
Going to work (from home) is my weekend. Going to the office is a mini-break in comparison to the absolute shit show that are my days off with the kids. Endless tantrums, the 1 year old constantly finding new ways to injure himself. It’s exhausting.
But ask me again when they’re older and I might have a different answer

I guess it depends on the ages and the challenges of the children. But women will only doom themselves to martyrdom if they insist on using exhaustion as a metric for value and worth. You don't see men do this.

Also I work full time and work is a break! I have three kids 7 and under and working is much easier. If her kids are in school maybe a bit different but I could not be a sahm I’d go insane.

I work part time and thats perfect for me,

Both are difficult.

I'm currently on mat leave with DC2.

It's hard entertaining a baby all day and keeping on top of the house, plus appointments etc.

When I'm at work, I still have to parent and fit in appointments, I just have less time to do those things. I'm very lucky to have a partner who shares the load. I feel bad for spending money when I'm barely contributing financially to the household at the moment. But I know I am contributing, most of the things we try to cram in over the weekend are being done. He can work whatever hours he needs to, because at the moment it's covered.

I think being at work is harder, but I take my hat off to SAHP's because it is hard work at times.

I think in the vast majority of cases it is easier to be a SAHM, though some exceptions do apply such as carers with disabled children.

It's not a competition. Most of us are doing our best.
I work FT and I prefer not to dwell upon how hard my life is... I prefer to actually enjoy it!

But you’re clearly not trying to “figure things out”. You’ve started a thread with a full blown opinion. And you’ve framed it in a combative manner.

Wow, something new and original to talk about