To say stay-at-home mums have it easier than full-time workers?

[ThatTaupeOtter]

I work FT in a demanding job. I’ve got a friend who’s a SAHM and constantly talks about how exhausting it is, how she never gets a break, how I’m “lucky” to get adult conversation. But she doesn’t have to commute, deal with office politics, or constantly prove her value. I get home and still have to parent. AIBU to think she actually has it easier and that she’s being a bit dramatic?

I don’t give two shits about a pension, I could get run over by a bus tomorrow.

ehhh? What a daft comment. what if you don’t get run over by a bus tomorrow ? What if you live until you are older? What are you going to live off?

SAHP to multiple children under 4 who don’t sleep well, are strong-willed and demanding, are constantly ill, partner works out of the house for excessive hours, no local family to help- YABVU.

SAHP to 1 or more children under 4 who are with their parent all day, sleep well, are fairly healthy and easy to manage day-to-day- YABU.

SAHP to school aged children who don’t have significant health or educational needs- YANBU.

SAHMs have all day to do all the things working mums have to cram into a few hours whilst also working. But apparently they're saints who work harder than working mums.

My husbands excellent, final salary pension. And if he leaves me? I’ll get half. And half the mortgage free house. I doubt I’ll get close to retirement age though due to my heath and shitty, passed down genetics.

I’m not going to do a job I don’t want to for what ifs. I saw both my parents do that. One never made it anywhere close to pension age, the other - everything went on years in a care home.

We aren’t all the same. You might care, I don’t and that’s okay. I happy with my choices and so are my family. I intend to enjoy the life I have. I didn’t enjoy working.

This is somewhat but not entirely true imo, from my experience working part-time.

A lot of the workload with young kids is just "churn" - change nappy, make food, clear food away, get out craft stuff, do craft, change nappy, tidy away, make snack, clear away, get out toys, clear away, make lunch, clear away, change nappy, put on coats, outside, back, put coats away, make food, clear up spills, wipe up mess, change nappy etc. So if someone else is looking after the kids, you don't have to do it. And the house doesn't get messy in the way it does if you're in it all day.

But then alongside the "churn", if you're at home with young kids, you do sometimes have a chance to crack on with other jobs that would need doing anyway like laundry, hoovering, tidying, cleaning bathrooms, cooking etc. in the time you would otherwise be at work.

So there's a partial benefit there but it depends on how much the "churn" overwhelms you.

There’s a good chance you’ll get to retirement age now even in poor health. What if your husband dies before you? Will you get any of his pension then?

I have been both. I would say they are very different and neither is easier all the time. Both have felt easier at different life stages.

Getting up for 2 night feeds, followed by a 6am commute... not so easy. Walking round the park at midday, husband away with work for 3 weeks having spoken to no-one for 4 days... also not so easy.

For me I think unfortunately it’s about money. I work FT in a demanding job and also have 2 kids under 10. I often feel overwhelmed and find myself daydreaming about being a SAHM. However, I only think being a SAHM would be the idealistic life I dream of if I had endless money to go on lovely days out, friends who were also SAHM’s. Also I like having my own money and feeling independent I am not sure I could rely on a man/DH going out to work all the time and funding everything. So, the reality is if I were to become a SAHM now I would be skint as we would be without my salary, it would get extremely lonely when the kids were at school as all my friends work. The daydream I have of lots of loaded women all living the dream shopping and going out for expensive lunches just wouldn’t be a reality so for now, I’ll take working even though I’m knackered!

Would it make you feel better if I got a job?

We’re insured up to the eyeballs, always have been, even my healthcare is private and is excellent and I’m in good hands. But I doubt I will live to 60.

If dh were to die tomorrow, I’d be very much okay with no mortgage, savings, private life insurance, investments and death in service for his work and yes, he’s been lucky in his work life I would get his pension.

I’ll worry about my own life.

That’s good you’re covered. You don’t need to get defensive about it. I was simply asking.

Both working and sah bring their own challenges I think. For me personally, maternity leave was the least stressed I've ever felt in my life. Perhaps your friend who's a SAHM would rather be working and that's why she has said these things to you.

I get defensive as I’ve had this so much over the years from other women. I’ve been at home with one small child or another since I was 22 and I’m 45 now, I’ve had a lifetime of it. I can’t help other people’s opinions.

Anyway, I’m glad I made my choices two decades ago as I found out recently my parents have passed me shitty genetics', the same death sentence from both sides. It’s more likely I will get it than not and the second I am diagnosed, I will take things into my own hands as I will not suffer the way they did.

I feel bad enough that my children may have the same risk (this all came to light after they were born), so I intend to spend every second I can with them, instead of doing a job I don’t want.

When I worked full time, every 6 months someone would tell me how wonderful I was and give me a pay rise. I had job satisfaction, witty banter with my colleagues, and a great reputation in my industry and at the end of the day I went home.
When I gave up work to raise my children, I became invisible. I became another appliance in the house.. great to have around but you just don't think of it. It was relentless too. I had to become professionally selfless - the chipped plate, the cold food because the child needed you just as you were about to eat, forgoing events because it just wouldn't work for your baby too.

Of course now they are grown and all that effort is coming back to me in spades, but my god going to work was SO much easier.

But there’s a lot of things that are hard to do if you have two toddlers on your heels. I do most chores in the evening when dc are asleep (regardless of whether it’s my non working day or working day - I work PT)

The big message here is you weren't raising kids while working, so you have no idea how tought it is. I'm a nurse. I have to do everything a SAHM does + be on top of my work and work a full day + do it without any childcare or support.

For me, being a SAHM to 3 under 4years was a doddle, compared to working as a HCP in the NHS and trying to juggle nurseries and deadlines. The stress of trying to start my youngest into reception on "half days" when I'd gone back to work was just awful.
Everyone's different though and your friend sounds tedious and insensitive. Tell her to find a job.

Depends on the person.
Depends on the job.
Depends on the child(ren).
Depends on the OH (or lack thereof).

It’s a bit of a silly question really. Both can be tough, both can be relatively easy.

I’ve done both and find working way harder and all my dcs are in school.
I think if you are talking about preschool it’s very different to school aged as obviously if your kids are in school all day then it’s an absolute walk in the park as you have essentially loads of free time.
Obviously this doesn’t include parents of dcs with sn as that’s totally separate and it can be hugely difficult to work etc .
The only parents I know that can be sahp are usually either wealthy (often family inheritance etc ) or those on full benefits who don’t have to pay full rent or mortgage costs- that’s simply my experience.
Even when my dcs were small and I was a sahm it was so much easier to get stuff done , shopping, cleaning the house , random stuff like paperwork etc . Now it’s far more challenging, I’ve loads of work to catch up with at the weekend … and I have a dh who pulls his weight completely. We have 3 dcs , zero family support and we have to work due to col.

I was far more knackered and lost myself being a sahm to pre schoolers. It was constant. Working fulltime was then a break, having my routine, not responsible for childrens needs, being me again.

Have worked and stayed home. Full time job difficult as alot to do in the evenings. Sahm easier when they at school. Hard with young kids though. My sister brings hers to their sports she def busy. Not sitting around. So both bring their own stresses.

I’ve done both, found both just as exhausting but for different reasons.

Being a sahm when eldest DC was small was awful and very lonely - no car, public transport inaccessible no rhyme time, stay and play or nurseries. Highlight of the day was a walk to the shops. DH came home late but admittedly stepped up his act when I did get a part time job and helped with school run and everything else.
Mat leave with youngest DC was so much better and so many things to do with them I would have loved to stay at home longer.

There was a crossover of 3 years, where I did both. Work was still easier. I think it's the appreciation (or lack thereof) and the unrelenting nature. I thought it would get easier when work wasn't in the picture, but it actually got harder because there was no "me" time. No time to think about considered responses to situations (probably because the responses were no brainers). I think it's society's decision that a SAHM is a non-job, and when you've had a worthwhile career suddenly becoming disenfranchised is hard.

I personally found staying at home so so much easier. Not because of the tasks - regardless of your life you will always come across challenges and times where things are a breeze - but because there is an exhaustion that happens when you have to mentally switch from one mode to another (as in work mode and mum mode) - there are studies on this - decision making fatigue.

I went back to work eventually because we needed the money and the “workaholic” in me craved work - and I do believe that there are people that naturally enjoy spending long periods of time with children (for instance teachers and nursery staff), not everyone is geared to do it, as not everyone is geared to do certain jobs or even have a career - but I now have a more balanced work life as I’m part time and have a small business.

I joked with one of my close SAHM at the time - we both now work, but we would say life was so much simpler when we didn’t - again we had our challenges - but the fact I could catch up with friends in the week at midday when the sun was still shining, do groceries, do a daytime hobby, go for a jog after the school run, attend a conference out of leisure vs only having 2-3 days (the weekend and the evenings where I’m just exhausted) to cram in all life admin is hard.

This isn’t about judging women’s life choices - but for those of us that have been in positions where we have done both - there are benefits and downfalls to both - and I think more women should be in positions where they can choose without feeling guilty that they are seen as doing nothing as a SAHM or never present because they’ve chosen to work.

@kaela100 - how do you work a full day and have no childcare for your children?