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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say stay-at-home mums have it easier than full-time workers?

394 replies

ThatTaupeOtter · 04/04/2025 19:27

I work FT in a demanding job. I’ve got a friend who’s a SAHM and constantly talks about how exhausting it is, how she never gets a break, how I’m “lucky” to get adult conversation. But she doesn’t have to commute, deal with office politics, or constantly prove her value. I get home and still have to parent. AIBU to think she actually has it easier and that she’s being a bit dramatic?

OP posts:
hulahooper2 · 05/04/2025 13:27

sahm pArents forget working parents work and look after their children & home in non paid work hours and have it so much harder

PruthePrune · 05/04/2025 13:30

Having done both, being a SAHM was easier for me.

CleverButScatty · 05/04/2025 13:33

ThatTaupeOtter · 04/04/2025 19:27

I work FT in a demanding job. I’ve got a friend who’s a SAHM and constantly talks about how exhausting it is, how she never gets a break, how I’m “lucky” to get adult conversation. But she doesn’t have to commute, deal with office politics, or constantly prove her value. I get home and still have to parent. AIBU to think she actually has it easier and that she’s being a bit dramatic?

Ffs are we will doing this in 2025?...

ForPearlViper · 05/04/2025 13:45

ThatTaupeOtter · 04/04/2025 20:32

That’s fair - the title was definitely provocative but that’s kind of the nature of AIBU, isn’t it? People often come here to throw out a blunt take and then unpack it in the thread.

The title reflected my raw frustration in that moment - feeling like my challenges were being brushed off. But in the actual post and replies, I’ve tried to be clear that I respect both roles, I’m not attacking SAHMs, and I’m just trying to express how hard it can be to constantly feel like your struggles aren’t seen because they don’t ‘look’ as exhausting from the outside.

I get that it’s a loaded topic but if we can’t talk honestly about these things, especially among other parents, then where can we?

Show quote history

Call me cynical but there are a lot of posts started recently by apparently new/renamed posters that have titles which are likely to be provocative, then the OP settles in to moderate/keep the debate going. Or 'unpack it' as this OP says. Stylistically the threads are very similar. Quite a few members have already called it out on other threads.

But who am I to spoil the fun of an aspiring Mrs Merton?

justasking111 · 05/04/2025 13:51

ForPearlViper · 05/04/2025 13:45

Call me cynical but there are a lot of posts started recently by apparently new/renamed posters that have titles which are likely to be provocative, then the OP settles in to moderate/keep the debate going. Or 'unpack it' as this OP says. Stylistically the threads are very similar. Quite a few members have already called it out on other threads.

But who am I to spoil the fun of an aspiring Mrs Merton?

Show quote history

Well could be to promote traffic to the site.

Iloveeverycat · 05/04/2025 14:04

There was a thread on here yesterday about how hard a mum found maternity leave. They would obviously not be happy being a SAHM. A lot of people said they went back to work early. Parents also always complain on here about the holidays and can't wait for them to go back to nursery and school I don't get that at all. I loved being a SAHM to my 4 and looked forward to the holidays to spend time with them.

Embobs89 · 05/04/2025 14:05

I think it’s subjective. Depends on different factors I suppose, some mums have easy going babies and children, some have more demanding or challenging ones, some have kids with complex care needs, some are bored stiff because their LO naps and some have no free time because theirs don’t. Some mums can’t get anything done and some seem to do it all. Also depends on how much help you have from partner and family. Similarly everyone’s jobs are different, if you have a toxic workplace, are under stress, under paid and overworked, your days are going to be shit. But some love their jobs and experience the opposite. It’s all relative I think

Tandora · 05/04/2025 14:26

Ohbellayoubigtwat · 05/04/2025 08:28

My husbands excellent, final salary pension. And if he leaves me? I’ll get half. And half the mortgage free house. I doubt I’ll get close to retirement age though due to my heath and shitty, passed down genetics.

I’m not going to do a job I don’t want to for what ifs. I saw both my parents do that. One never made it anywhere close to pension age, the other - everything went on years in a care home.

We aren’t all the same. You might care, I don’t and that’s okay. I happy with my choices and so are my family. I intend to enjoy the life I have. I didn’t enjoy working.

Edited
Show quote history

That’s completely fine and I have no problem with your choices. I was just baffled by the comment that you don’t care if you have a pension because you might get hit by a bus tomorrow which is obviously ridiculous. But clearly you do have a pension- your DH’s -so that’s fine.

Guitaryo · 05/04/2025 14:35

Parents also always complain on here about the holidays and can't wait for them to go back to nursery and school I don't get that at all.

The vast majority of people don't get enough annual leave (even between two people) to cover the school holidays, so balancing them and work is incredibly stressful. Often it involves running them to and from holiday clubs or winging it so can probably imagine why holidays are more stressful. I'm sure if people didn't work so didn't have to worry and juggle that and knew they'd soon have time to themselves they'd spend less time wishing the holidays away.

user1492538376 · 05/04/2025 14:42

For me personally I found mat leave a doddle compared to working. I do only have the one child and a supportive partner which helps. I think being a SAHM would be boring and tedious but not particularly hard.

ColdWaterDipper · 05/04/2025 17:47

YANBU - I have been a SAHM during several maternity leave periods, and been a full time worker with small children. It is much harder working FT, because as well as the stress of work / commute etc, you have a shorter time to do all your household chores and prepare an evening meal whilst also trying to spend quality time with children you haven’t seen for the majority of the day. SAHPs can get their housework & cooking done during the day, leaving evenings & weekends just for spending quality time with the children as a family.

it’s not a competition, but inevitably doing more (I.e. adding in full time paid work as well as parenting & housework) in the same amount of time makes it much harder. However that’s not to say that SAHPs don’t also have it hard as well (although to note, I loved it, it seemed so easy and I have never been as well organised as I was on maternity leave!). For us the best plan has been for me to work PT 3 days a week and hopefully soon to move to PT 4 days a week but term time only (I’m not a teacher, but my children are all now at school with long holidays).

like you I found it frustrating when my SIL used to say she wished she could go to work “for a break” as my work is anything but a break! However you’ll never convince SAHMs that it’s easier not working, so it’s best just to grit your teeth and move the conversation on quickly. As an aside, my bugbear was when they would say “I’m a full time parent” in response when people asked what they did (in terms of work)…..I too am a full time parent, I don’t stop being a parent when I’m at work! SAHP is a much more accurate description.

WhatMyNameis · 05/04/2025 17:48

You’re not being unreasonable, going back to work was shit and my two years maternity were probably the best of my life.

OntheGolfCourse · 05/04/2025 17:59

It isn’t a competition. You are both probably busy/exausted for different reasons and have different priorities. Just because she’s at home doesn’t mean she’s any less tired at the end of the day.

GiveDogBone · 05/04/2025 18:05

You both think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.

Fedupmumofadultsons · 05/04/2025 18:05

ThatTaupeOtter · 04/04/2025 19:27

I work FT in a demanding job. I’ve got a friend who’s a SAHM and constantly talks about how exhausting it is, how she never gets a break, how I’m “lucky” to get adult conversation. But she doesn’t have to commute, deal with office politics, or constantly prove her value. I get home and still have to parent. AIBU to think she actually has it easier and that she’s being a bit dramatic?

Well it all depends how you see it stay at home mum has kids 24/7 does all the housework life admin all appointments all school stuff .but makes no money maybe constantly bored looking after small children. Wftm has her own money gas adult chat during day .does housework and life admin as well if lucky good hubby and maybe cleaner or not .but someone else does majority of childcare basically someone else bringing up your kids mon-fri 9-5/6 .so all depends what you want .your kids your decision.

Groovee · 05/04/2025 18:07

I found being at home hard. Going back to work was much easier. My hardest part was collecting at 4.30pm on a Tuesday and getting to Rainbows for 5.30pm my stressiest moment.

abracadabra1980 · 05/04/2025 18:09

It's a pointless argument. Everyone in life has different circumstances and consequently different stressors and moans. It's like the 'who's the most tired' between parents of young children. There are no winners.

Member869894 · 05/04/2025 18:09

I've done both and yes staying at home was much easier and enjoyable

SouthLondonMum22 · 05/04/2025 18:10

Fedupmumofadultsons · 05/04/2025 18:05

Well it all depends how you see it stay at home mum has kids 24/7 does all the housework life admin all appointments all school stuff .but makes no money maybe constantly bored looking after small children. Wftm has her own money gas adult chat during day .does housework and life admin as well if lucky good hubby and maybe cleaner or not .but someone else does majority of childcare basically someone else bringing up your kids mon-fri 9-5/6 .so all depends what you want .your kids your decision.

Show quote history

OP's friend has school that bring up her children for her.

elliottsmum67 · 05/04/2025 18:16

I know we all like abbreviations etc lol...but when I'm reading a thread I'm constantly googling most of the abbreviations because I don't know the 100s out there and what half of them mean...is this just me lol oops

Hmm1234 · 05/04/2025 18:20

I used to think this, then I noticed all the stay at home ‘married single mothers’ some stay at home sometimes stuck in the house with children all day while the man is off at work and helps little with the kids even on his days off. Not much better off in terms of family time or finances.
If it’s getting too much for you personally look into reducing your work hours part time/ term time. The grass is never greener on the other side

Lollylucyclark101 · 05/04/2025 18:20

ThatTaupeOtter · 04/04/2025 19:27

I work FT in a demanding job. I’ve got a friend who’s a SAHM and constantly talks about how exhausting it is, how she never gets a break, how I’m “lucky” to get adult conversation. But she doesn’t have to commute, deal with office politics, or constantly prove her value. I get home and still have to parent. AIBU to think she actually has it easier and that she’s being a bit dramatic?

So I have seen it from both sides.

when I had my son I worked FT and retuned to work 3 months after he was born. I was in a horrible relationship, and ended up being forced out of work about 3 months later. Those 3 months away from my baby was horrific.

once I left work, my relationship ended and I was a SAHM for 3 years. I went back to PT work when my son was 4, and full times work when he was 8; and I’ve worked full time ever since. He’s now 17.

both have pros and cons.

As a SAHM, I found I had lots of time to keep my home tidy, washing done, tea planned and done etc. I had time at the park, time to go shopping, to spend with friends and family, to go to places like soft play etc, go to nursery (1 morning a week) plays, Mother’s Day afternoons….i had a really good routine and loved my safe home….however I was really lonely. I didn’t have many friends due to my relationship breakdown…. I loved being a SAHM and did find it very easy to do. I would LOVE to have been able to be a SAHM for my sons entire life… but couldn’t due to finances and I wanted to have a job and career.

When I worked PT, I enjoy the company of other adults, I enjoyed the routine and I enjoyed my job (in a different one now). I hated leaving him at nursery (9-4, months-thurs) it seamed so long! But he loved it and flourished. I hated missing the plays, the special afternoons and being told of the special things he got up to; which I’d missed due to work. Days seamed long; I’d get up at 6, out for 8, at work for 10-2pm, then head back and collect him. I was on public transport too. I was always tired when I got home, made tea and then he was in bed for 7pm…. So only got an hour or 2 with him. Washing piled up and cleaning wasn’t done in the week….and I found myself doing it at the weekends, when I should have been going to the park or playing with him. Trying to fit it all in on my days off…. As well as shopping and visiting friends/family was just impossible!

I was a single parent until he was 8 and I met my (now) husband, who stepped into the family man role after about a year when we started living together and it got easier.
I love my job and career, but I found being a working mom so much harder than being a SAHM.

However! Everyone’s experiences are different and I am very aware that I only had one child.

Mayana1 · 05/04/2025 18:24

Barrenfieldoffucks · 04/04/2025 19:32

No, I don't think they do. I was a sahm for what it's worth. Different personalities will find difficult things difficult though tbh.

Depends how challenging your job is though tbh, there are some that are easier than others!

I would rather said: 'Depends how challenging your child are!' I never felt any job as challenging as my little one. I'm SAHM at the time being and exhausted. I love him to pieces, but I can not do anything till he falls asleep. And by that time I'm dead.

MustWeDoThis · 05/04/2025 18:25

ThatTaupeOtter · 04/04/2025 19:27

I work FT in a demanding job. I’ve got a friend who’s a SAHM and constantly talks about how exhausting it is, how she never gets a break, how I’m “lucky” to get adult conversation. But she doesn’t have to commute, deal with office politics, or constantly prove her value. I get home and still have to parent. AIBU to think she actually has it easier and that she’s being a bit dramatic?

As a mum who works FT, has 3 kids, 3 dogs, and studies FT with uni - I work compressed hours to juggle this and I'm in my final year and about to start my Masters...

....I think you're being a thundering bitch.

I've also been a SAHM.

If you can't be kind- Be quiet.

laraitopbanana · 05/04/2025 18:27

And again 😂👀

No women ever needed a man to put them down. Other women are great at it 👍🏼