DP’s messages in group chat - do I confront him?

[PollyJH]

Feeling a bit upset/unsure what to do currently. I have a close friend who is going through a rough time with her partner (pretty much on brink of splitting up). He, my DP and a couple of other friends’ partners have become matey over the years and are in a group chat together.

Here’s the issue. My friend has had recent suspicions that her partner is ‘playing away’, and at the suggestion of another friend, went through his phone. He was on a work call whilst it was charging in another room, so no risk of him walking in.

She didn’t find any evidence of him messaging other women, but did go through recent messages in the group chat I mentioned above.

She took photos of different exchanges and sent them to me. These involve my DP using some really inappropriate terms when discussing other women, including members of our wider friend group - two in particular that are single. We met up as a group last weekend which is likely why it was a recent discussion.

One of the two, he said he ‘wouldn’t ride her into battle’ and the other one, he said (quoted exactly) ‘she must be a shit shag because I’ve never known anyone with a body like that to be single for that long’ followed by laughing emoji’s.

I’ve literally found this out this afternoon and DP is not back from work yet. Do I say anything? It will possibly give away that my friend has been snooping on her partner and I don’t want to cause any issues for her. But at the same time,
i’m really upset about how my DP described my two friends.

How is an external catalyst to introduce the subject, jumping the shark?

Do you really want to marry a misogynist who sees women as objects? If he talks about your friends like that, how does he talk about you? How will he talk about daughters if he has any?

This is who he is. Women's value to him is sex. There is no rug big enough to sweep that under.

I would never be able to unsee those messages. Sorry.

You covered everything I was thinking and will add a side of ‘misery loves company’

I would approach it in a completely different way but that’s just my way of confronting people… I’d wait to sit and watch tv together or scroll online with DH and I would make the exact same two comments about some random women on the tv using his exact words. And I’d just let it sit there..
Obviously to point out that I know without disclosing how. And to see if he’s brave enough to apologise or explain himself or pretend he doesn’t know what I’m on about. Just to test his character.

Don't snoop in his phone!! Why are you looking for trouble when there wasn't any?

How many are in the chat? Has she screenshot everyone pretty grim messages and sent in to their partners?

It’s a group chat yes? So you could have found out from any of the group or their partners.
I would find it impossible not to use that phrase verbatim.

when talking about anyone single. Celebrity. Friend. Anyone. ‘Must be a shit shag because ……..’. And stare him dead in the eye.

Totally agree with this advice.

Why do you assume she's out to cause trouble?

Why do you ascribe the worst motives to women?

Why do you assume women are trouble making, vindictive, jealous etc .?

She couldn't possibly just want to give a woman a heads up that her partner is a bit of a c*nt - before she throws her lot in with him for life.
She's done nothing irreversible with him to date, but will do in the near future.
Her friend couldn't possibly think she better warn her ....no, of course not. Women are always just jealous, vindictive, trouble causing bitches.

It's kind of ironic how we focus on how much men hate women, when so many women clearly hate women too.

The messages are not appropriate and I get why you are upset but snooping is not acceptable either. People are entitled to some privacy and your friend breached that. It wasn’t actually you snooping so you haven’t done anything wrong but I don’t think you can hold the moral high ground given the way you got the messages.

And some people are really taking things out of context and making a big deal about nothing, so what that he commented some crude stuff... nobody was meant to see it.

I would say nothing as it'll cause trouble with your friend, but I would be absolutely on my guard, and quite dubious about your DP's attitudes. I'd be probing and testing them for sure.

Agree. The friend didn’t find any evidence of cheating and she could have left it at that. I agree the content of the messages was appalling but in a moment of spite she’s set the cat among the pigeons. Karma, as they say, is a bitch.

me too

Boys will be boys eh?

snooping is not acceptable either. People are entitled to some privacy

Snooping has saved many a person from many a disaster.

No-one's going to find anything bad if there's nothing bad to find.

I mean, I wouldnt be impressed if my SO wrote that stuff, but I think snooping, screenshoting messages and sending them to someone with the intent of causing problems in their relationship, is even worse than writing something crude and thoughtless.

I wouldn't want my DH to snoop on how I talk about men/sex with my female friends. It's not so crass in the way that your DP's whatsapps are, but then he's talking to guys and trying to impress/amuse them, and I'm sure I do the equivalent of objectifying hot guys for a laugh with my mates after a glass or two. Which may mean I'm branded a terrible person, but I know I'm a good wife and mum etc but how I chat with my friends is my own business and as long as I'm not cheating or somesuch then my DH would understand and not want to know the ins and outs, nor for me to snoop on his man chat. In OP's case, I'd not confront him unless it offended me so much that I wanted to split up. When I saw the title about confronting him, I thought it must've been evidence of cheating, but as it's not, I don't really see what there is to confront him about.

Clearly he knows not to talk that way in other contexts i.e. to OP, as it would be inappropriate. But the fact he does it with these mates shows it's appropriate for them and hence it's who he is and who they are. So you can't decree that he's not like this. Either go forward more fully knowing who he is and sticking with him, or confront him because it's not tenable to you and you want out. Because if you confront him and stay, he's only gonna say he'll change and then won't, plus all the fall-out of you and your mate's snooping and what good will that do?

If you did get married where do you think his stag do would be?

If it’s clay pigeon shooting in Wales then this is probably just silly bravado in front of his mates but if it’s Amsterdam etc then I’d be worried

His mates were meant to see it.

His partner wasn't.

When you've got a "double faced" man on your hands, don't be surprised when you're at the wrong end of his hidden attitudes and behaviour some day.

He clearly does a lot of thinking and talking about females of their acquaintance in a sexual and derogatory way.
I'd pay attention to that.

You can fall out of love for no particular reason and end the relationship, you’re not ready to settle down having really thought about it etc.
he is showing his true colours, if it gives you the ick, you need out ( id not be happy either FWIW)

with the intent of causing problems in their relationship

How would you know what her intent was .... Other than projection of nasty, bitchy behaviour.

What other reason would she send it for?

This ^

who gives a shit if this is how he’s thinking! Would you say something similar about his friends? I’m guessing not, as you have decency and respect for him.

I wouldn't confront him, I'd just end the relationship without explanation. This is not the kind of man I want to spend my life with, much less the kind of man I want to be my children's father.

I can forgive all kinds of things but this speaks to his character and the way he views women at a very base level.