DP’s messages in group chat - do I confront him?

[PollyJH]

Feeling a bit upset/unsure what to do currently. I have a close friend who is going through a rough time with her partner (pretty much on brink of splitting up). He, my DP and a couple of other friends’ partners have become matey over the years and are in a group chat together.

Here’s the issue. My friend has had recent suspicions that her partner is ‘playing away’, and at the suggestion of another friend, went through his phone. He was on a work call whilst it was charging in another room, so no risk of him walking in.

She didn’t find any evidence of him messaging other women, but did go through recent messages in the group chat I mentioned above.

She took photos of different exchanges and sent them to me. These involve my DP using some really inappropriate terms when discussing other women, including members of our wider friend group - two in particular that are single. We met up as a group last weekend which is likely why it was a recent discussion.

One of the two, he said he ‘wouldn’t ride her into battle’ and the other one, he said (quoted exactly) ‘she must be a shit shag because I’ve never known anyone with a body like that to be single for that long’ followed by laughing emoji’s.

I’ve literally found this out this afternoon and DP is not back from work yet. Do I say anything? It will possibly give away that my friend has been snooping on her partner and I don’t want to cause any issues for her. But at the same time,
i’m really upset about how my DP described my two friends.

It is not fair to make light of this- this advice is often given to women on mumsnet who are suffering abuse and need to leave if not flee- and leaving an abusive situation is an extremely dangerous and vulnerable time for a woman. The advice is given in good faith and I’m sure has saved lives over the last twenty five years.

On another note, have a great wedding, watched on by all the men in the group chat and keeping a beady eye on your charmer at all times in case his looks are straying to your sister’s cleavage. 🤮

You would seriously rather not know he is a misogynistic a hole that talks about women like that? Get a back bone. This should disgust you. Confront him

There’s a similar thread currently on MN started by an OP disgusted by similar conversations from women at a hen do. Talking intimately and, to put it mildly, disrespectfully, about their parters’ shortcomings and graphically describing what they would do to other men in their circle of friends. Most of the replies were telling her she was being unreasonable and it was ‘just harmless banter’.

Double standard anyone ?

Or simply different people responding to different threads?

Possibly. Just seemed a glaringly double standard to me.

I haven't seen the thread yet but my opinion would be the same as it is here, I wouldn't choose to be in a relationship with someone like that.

Unless you've been through both threads, checked the names and views of the posters on each, and then compared the two threads, you can't possibly say if there are double standards or not.

You've been clear that he can say whatever disgusting comments he likes and you'll forgive him if he buys chocolates and flowers. Those are the consequences of his actions. He won't change. Throw him back. He's done you a favour showing his true colours

im so sorry. putting aside someone shared private messages not theirs with you. this is the kind of misogynistic discussion that gets labeled as “banter”. Or “men will be men”. If this is the kind of chat that is shared on WhatsApp, what kind of chat is said in person. Whislt this may be seen as “just chat/ banter” it’s vilifying/ demeaning women, which not for all but statistically one in ten of those men would then take it further, being agrssive, calling at women in street. It’s for other men to call them out and stop it not just us women. Considering your pal shared this with you - I think you should tell your partner that she did so. And say you were shocked. This is a campaign GLA have - a bit cringe but makes the point. https://www.london.gov.uk/maaate

But he didn’t make comments around you - he did it with his mates. :( he is showing a side to him that is disrespectful to women.

Not a double standard dear. Women have no more right to be misogynistic about men than men do about women. Men and women who treat their partners this way are disgusting and should be put in their places.