DP’s messages in group chat - do I confront him?

[PollyJH]

Feeling a bit upset/unsure what to do currently. I have a close friend who is going through a rough time with her partner (pretty much on brink of splitting up). He, my DP and a couple of other friends’ partners have become matey over the years and are in a group chat together.

Here’s the issue. My friend has had recent suspicions that her partner is ‘playing away’, and at the suggestion of another friend, went through his phone. He was on a work call whilst it was charging in another room, so no risk of him walking in.

She didn’t find any evidence of him messaging other women, but did go through recent messages in the group chat I mentioned above.

She took photos of different exchanges and sent them to me. These involve my DP using some really inappropriate terms when discussing other women, including members of our wider friend group - two in particular that are single. We met up as a group last weekend which is likely why it was a recent discussion.

One of the two, he said he ‘wouldn’t ride her into battle’ and the other one, he said (quoted exactly) ‘she must be a shit shag because I’ve never known anyone with a body like that to be single for that long’ followed by laughing emoji’s.

I’ve literally found this out this afternoon and DP is not back from work yet. Do I say anything? It will possibly give away that my friend has been snooping on her partner and I don’t want to cause any issues for her. But at the same time,
i’m really upset about how my DP described my two friends.

A little explanation of his first comment.

"...... "I wouldnae ride her intae battle." or in regular English "I wouldn't ride her into battle."

It's used to talk about a woman who's really unattractive. You're basically saying she's so ugly she wouldn't even qualify as being an animal worth riding into battle. That's how ugly and essentially useless she is. I suppose a beautiful horse would be worthy, but an ugly warthog would be an embarrassment for example".

Warn her of what ? OP isn’t about to throw in the towel on a relationship for a few random comments, as appalling as they were. And please let’s not pretend that women aren’t just as capable of this kind of crudeness. As another poster succinctly put it - misery loves company. She went through the phone and didn’t find anything incriminating. There was absolutely no need to send those screenshots - they were part of a private conversation not meant for anyone else. It was an act of sheer spite which she clearly didn’t think through because she’s potentially dropped herself right in it if OP says anything.

OP isn’t about to throw in the towel on a relationship for a few random comments, as appalling as they were

I had absolutely no idea you are a close friend of the op!!!!! So terribly sorry.

Or are you just projecting your low standards onto her?

I've been with my partner for over 20 years and know absolutely that he never talks or thinks about women in such disgusting terms. And if he started to tomorrow, he'd be out on his fucking ear. Doesn't matter how you found out, the fact is, he sees women as inferior. Fuck that. But not him.

This
So many have low standards

Thus giving the impression that OP has snooped through his phone.

If I wasn’t locked down with kids and a ring (even if I was), I’d be out of there in a shot. This is how he thinks about women, this is how he thinks about you too.

Sorry
Hope you learn from this, good luck

I'd find that pretty hard to come back from, tbh. Banter or not, it's a revolting thing to say about any woman let alone your friends. Ugh.

Well no, you can’t say anything, because it’s such an invasion of privacy and involves multiple people.

But it’s really opened your eyes to a side of him you’ve never seen before hasn’t it?

I’m not sure I could see past it to be honest. I’d wonder what he really thinks about women, if he’d ever said anything about me and I’d feel embarrassed to be around those women he’s been so derogatory about. They are supposed to be his mutual friends.

It sounds like that whole group of male friends share similar attitudes. Grim. You thought he was someone that he is not. Many of us could be in the same boat for all we know. The difference is, you know.

Only you can decide what you want to now. Good luck

Warn her of what ?.

That he's a bastard who observes & discusses their female acquaintances in sexual and derogatory terms.

I always laugh at the continued massive double standards so many women have for men.

I can tell you for free than if a man like him saw his girlfriend/partner writing things like that about their male acquaintances - he'd be calling her many choice names. He certainly wouldn t be seeing her as good wifey material.

Bro was unmasked. These aren’t minor comments, this is how he thinks of and treats women.

OP needs to run because this one will change it all up as soon as she’s trapped. Will be horrific for her 100%

OP isn’t about to throw in the towel on a relationship for a few random comments, as appalling as they were

Oh and anyone who thinks he's only made two isolated comments like that, and that that isn't par for the course for him......is delusional.

You don't get caught doing something the first or only time someone happens to randomly check.

The friend was more likely shocked by what OP's fiance was saying and was giving her a heads up that this guy has got a very different side than the one he shows her up to now. He's like someone who's two faced. He shows different sides to different people and at his core, he has no respect for women.

Break up a relationship (because to admit you were snooping would be tantamount to that) to virtue signal? No brainer! The amount of times women say, frequently 'what is wrong with him - so good looking and still single? Is he a gay/pervert/psycho/not normal? Whoaaa, he must be a good ride! I heard these expressions from educated, kind, nice women.

This 100%

Another classic from hwi.

🙄

Spot on

This is blokes talking bullocks ! And BS as far as I’m concerned. Yes it’s not nice, but it’s a private conversation between friends.
Jeeze I would be shot, for the foulness that comes out of my mouth with certain friends,
of which I have no filter.
it’s just talk 🗣️

But she isn’t the only one with issues. You have issues in your relationship. Your partner is a misogynist.

Ok printing is a good idea.

I would print off an edited version not showing who sent what and post them to myself to confront him with therefore throwing suspicion on the entire male group.

I would then insist on seeing his phone.

Outcome I stay and the group is broken up or more likely I leave depending on what I see and his responses.

I do not and would not as a mature adult talk of a man in such a way. I ask do you fancy him? Is he a good guy? Funny? I would not comment in such a way.

Society teaches them to take no accountability and project it on to women. Don’t worry, it’s catching up to them now

The male loneliness epidemic is 🍿🍿🍿

I’ve read OP’s posts, which don’t give the impression that she’s thinking of ending the relationship. She wants it out in the open to discuss and that’s going to be very difficult. The messages were appalling, but the idea floated on MN that ‘my man doesn’t think like that’ is utter nonsense. You don’t know what is said as ‘just bants’ between your man and his friends. What’s said, in many cases doesn’t actually reflect how they think about women - it’s bravado or unthinking stupidity and l don’t blame OP for needing to know what was behind the comments. But you can’t police what your partner does or says in your absence. Especially in this case - friend wasn’t warning her of anything. She was being spiteful. And not very bright.

Clearly your friend thinks what he said is awful, otherwise she wouldn’t have sent them to you. You hit the nail on the head and while she may not be in a great place she was 100% looking to throw a bomb in your relationship since hers is going down too. In time I’d thank her for it because these views run deep and I suspect there’s a lot you don’t know about what he thinks/ says/ does when he’s not around you.

Only on mumsnet do I see women excuse this kind of language as “banter” and “harmless” but ask yourself if you had a daughter and she a) overheard her dad say this would you be mortified and defend him to her or b) if you heard her future partner say this about her friends would you expect her to stand for it.

Could be, because you are a magnet for narcissists. Some of us are. Learn about them before you meet another.