DP’s messages in group chat - do I confront him?

[PollyJH]

Feeling a bit upset/unsure what to do currently. I have a close friend who is going through a rough time with her partner (pretty much on brink of splitting up). He, my DP and a couple of other friends’ partners have become matey over the years and are in a group chat together.

Here’s the issue. My friend has had recent suspicions that her partner is ‘playing away’, and at the suggestion of another friend, went through his phone. He was on a work call whilst it was charging in another room, so no risk of him walking in.

She didn’t find any evidence of him messaging other women, but did go through recent messages in the group chat I mentioned above.

She took photos of different exchanges and sent them to me. These involve my DP using some really inappropriate terms when discussing other women, including members of our wider friend group - two in particular that are single. We met up as a group last weekend which is likely why it was a recent discussion.

One of the two, he said he ‘wouldn’t ride her into battle’ and the other one, he said (quoted exactly) ‘she must be a shit shag because I’ve never known anyone with a body like that to be single for that long’ followed by laughing emoji’s.

I’ve literally found this out this afternoon and DP is not back from work yet. Do I say anything? It will possibly give away that my friend has been snooping on her partner and I don’t want to cause any issues for her. But at the same time,
i’m really upset about how my DP described my two friends.

Who cares? How can you bare to be in the same room with him, let alone stay in a relationship. Won't you be wondering if he's thinking about your single friend with the banging body while you're having sex? And that's not even the worst of him 🤢

I would hope my DH would be loyal enough to me to not tell his friend but I wouldn’t be able have to call him up on it!

• I would have to call him up on it!

I would print them so he can’t see who shared them then show him and ask him how would he feel if his daughter was discussed like that?

by showing him photos it won’t show who sent them and it could be the partners of any of them.

even if you don’t show him you know now what he’s like. And it will always be there at the back of your mind. I wouldn’t be putting up with it myself

The things he has said about your friends is really horrible and to talk like that about them probably means that he views all of your female friends that way one way or another. He obviously sees women as meat and not much more.

I think I would confront him. Your friend has done the right thing telling you, but she’s out of order expecting you to stay quiet about it.

TBH I would just leave, I don't think there's any point trying to rationalise with him and you can't discuss it without dropping your friend in it.

This is the real unvarnished "him" and the way he sees women. Do you really want to be bringing kids up with a bloke who talks about women like this?

He doesn't deserve an explanation and he won't act on one. No middle ground and no way back.

Agreed, this would seriously be a “LTB” scenario for me because I would never want to be with a man who can talk about women in such a disrespectful way.

This is a good idea, could screenshot and save as a photo image.

How many are in the group chat and were they all chatting shit?

I am partly wondering if my friend sent me these so she feels better about her own relationship- in that she doesn’t want to be the only one with issues?

Only 4 of them and she said she only scrolled back a few days out of curiosity so I’ve no idea what else has been said in the past.

Your mate's caused the trouble really.

What was the point of her giving you a hand grenade and forbidding you to pull the pin?

She knew what she was doing when she took those photos and passed them on to you.

If you feel it's driving a wedge between you and your DP then you'll have to tell him how you know, and she'll have to take some responsibility.

Couldn't agree more with you and with @whereismyjumper

Look at some of the posts here excusing him basically saying oh this is just how men banter. No this is more than how some men banter. this is very revealing of how they think, feel and relate to women.

@PollyJH can you really get past this, marry this man and have dc, knowing at every get together he is going to be thoroughly appraising all your female friends and possibly your family members also?

I despair for men. I despair for women going along with this even more

I don't think you can drop your friend in it. And I'm not sure what you would want to come out of confronting him with the messages. Do you want to hear him reassure you that he's not that sort of guy, that it was just a joke, that he is the respectful decent person you thought he was?

This would be a deal breaker for me. I don’t think you can change someone’s deep seated views, they run right through a person due to the culture and upbringing they had, so I wouldn’t waste my energy on confronting him.

I would be leaving this arsehole and finding someone who aligned with my own views.

This is how he talks about women when he's relaxed with his mates. Talks about your actual friends. You can never not know this 😕

You're already trying to justify staying with him. Sigh.

If you want to end it you don't need to say this is why.

There isn't really anything to be gained from talking to him is there? He's done it, it's not really something you can ask him to apologise for, and it's unfair to police how someone talks in private chats with their friends if its not directly about you/ your relationship.

His attitude is gross though and I would feel funny about him after this.

Is he 16, he sounds very immature.

Showing off by the sounds of it. These two women probably wouldn't like twice at him anyway.

You don't need to tell him who sent the messages. Screenshot them then delete them from the chat with your friend.

Tbh men do chat like this with their friends, they have conversations with their friends they wouldn't have with us it's just unfortunate it's about 2 of yours friends and you've been told about it.

It's OK saying just leave sleeping dogs but it's eating at you and it will until you have it out with him.

If you truly think this, why are you friends with her?

Most decent people want their friends to be happy even when they are having a tough time.

I'd leave it. It looks like one divorce is upcoming, better not to make it more.

This is a side issue. Don't use this to avoid facing up to what you've found out about the man you're planning to marry. I wouldn't be able to get past it, I can't bear misogyny and find it deeply unattractive

Bonkers.

Low bar