DP’s messages in group chat - do I confront him?

[PollyJH]

Feeling a bit upset/unsure what to do currently. I have a close friend who is going through a rough time with her partner (pretty much on brink of splitting up). He, my DP and a couple of other friends’ partners have become matey over the years and are in a group chat together.

Here’s the issue. My friend has had recent suspicions that her partner is ‘playing away’, and at the suggestion of another friend, went through his phone. He was on a work call whilst it was charging in another room, so no risk of him walking in.

She didn’t find any evidence of him messaging other women, but did go through recent messages in the group chat I mentioned above.

She took photos of different exchanges and sent them to me. These involve my DP using some really inappropriate terms when discussing other women, including members of our wider friend group - two in particular that are single. We met up as a group last weekend which is likely why it was a recent discussion.

One of the two, he said he ‘wouldn’t ride her into battle’ and the other one, he said (quoted exactly) ‘she must be a shit shag because I’ve never known anyone with a body like that to be single for that long’ followed by laughing emoji’s.

I’ve literally found this out this afternoon and DP is not back from work yet. Do I say anything? It will possibly give away that my friend has been snooping on her partner and I don’t want to cause any issues for her. But at the same time,
i’m really upset about how my DP described my two friends.

And your username is recognisable too dear.

Sorry, not following the relevance of this anecdote.

He is definitely imperfect and everyone is - you set the bar at what level of imperfection you accept.
OP’s fiancé is not what I would accept and I wouldn’t be won over by a bunch of flowers, chocolates and a pub meal.

Infantilising and outright insulting OP for deciding to move past this issue with her DH is misogynistic in my opinion.

Unlikely, considering how often I change mine and you have probably posted more times on this thread alone than I have with this username.

If he speaks like that about your friends, imagine what he’s saying about you to his mates. Men like this don’t respect any women including their partner.

Expecting your fiance to not make sexual comments about your sister isn't expecting perfection, it's basic stuff.

Never encountered her before, but finding her strangely amusing.

I'd not have children with someone that vile. I certainly wouldn't want their grabby hands anywhere near me. Rate yourself.more.highly. There are plenty of people who respect other humans, why burden yourself with this callous dick.

The thing is though, no one has addressed why he refused to allow her to look at his phone. Bearing in mind the seriousness of the argument, and he STILL doesn't let her look at his phone? That's a man who's got shit to hide.

No point him offering it to her now though, he'll have deleted whatever he was hiding.

I'd probably have accepted the apology for the comments even though it would take a while for me to forget. But I'd be extremely concerned about the outright refusal to hand over his phone - and I also wouldn't be dismissing the friend's partner's comments about his "skeletons". It sounds as if there's a lot more than hasn't come out - maybe just more dickhead lad "banter", maybe more.

I think OP is being naive drawing a line under this without proper answers, but I get that it's difficult to blow up your life. Easier to stick your fingers in your ears and pretend all is OK, unless you're forced to confront it. Hopefully whatever he was hiding isn't significant, and doesn't continue. Best of luck OP.

The not handing the phone over immediately would concern me too. I agree with everything you've posted and the way you've worded it without being horrid to the OP.

If it was me I'd be on edge wondering whst else was on there, while not wanting to blow my life up with no other proof.

Its so easy to type a post here advising, harder when it's your whole life and big plans.

Good luck OP, I hope he does come good if you get over this and get married.

It will be harder when there's a marriage and children involved which is why so many people advised to get out now.

Of course, it's easy to sit looking in, I've had experience with one such dickhead myself which I thankfully ousted but only after a long traumatic period which nearly broke me. So I can read this and think oh fuck no get rid.

But on mumsnet sometimes the posts are so strident and overreactive that they do the opposite to what was intended (not yours), and the OP switches off!

To be fair, I don't think OP ever planned on leaving him. I think it was obvious as soon as she quickly started blaming her friend, accusing her of jealousy etc when his actions were right there in black and white.

how often I change mine

I can't imagine why.

My Sunday roast was yummy by the way

SMH.

I'd love to return the compliment, but unfortunately it's not possible.

That devastates me.

You have a right to be upset. I would feel really grossed out. Not sure what to advise except to say I would be feeling disappointed in my partner too (also he seems very shallow).

So many men just seem to behave so badly when around each other.

I hope he does come good

I find this equally amusing.

It’s not “what” it is “how”. I have never discussed men like this, no. Not as an adult.

I have read your updates - I can see why you have taken the stance you have, especially with not much else to go on (and your friend was an idiot to object to you confronting your partner. It’s clearly something he does regularly (which is why he did not want you reading his phone) but if there is nothing else you be concerned over then I can see why you would just proceed as you were doing.

(Though I would probably gone through my partner’s phone for more evidence before confronting him.

@SouthLondonMum22

Yeh that's possibly hope winning over experience!

I wish I'd listened to my dear old mum when she waved the red flags at me.

Sorry on my last post I meant to quote you

It's hope winning over experience I suppose.

I wish I'd listened to my dear old mum when she waved the flags at me. I've two lovely children so not all wasted and I learned to stop kissing frogs

Maybe reflect on how you present yourself. Whether intentional or not, to an OP who is feeling vulnerable, your style can come across as bullying, even if your core message is good, as on this thread.

On a previous occasion, you were hectoring in the same style as you have on this thread to the extent that the OP private messaged me to thank me for listening to her and not berating her as she struggled to reach a decision. She left the thread and asked for it to be deleted because you were arguing with other posters and pursuing your own agenda. Net result being, despite being in a desperate situation where kindness and listening might have better helped her, she lost that support.

I started name changing more often after that experience and I have changed again this afternoon.