DP’s messages in group chat - do I confront him?

[PollyJH]

Feeling a bit upset/unsure what to do currently. I have a close friend who is going through a rough time with her partner (pretty much on brink of splitting up). He, my DP and a couple of other friends’ partners have become matey over the years and are in a group chat together.

Here’s the issue. My friend has had recent suspicions that her partner is ‘playing away’, and at the suggestion of another friend, went through his phone. He was on a work call whilst it was charging in another room, so no risk of him walking in.

She didn’t find any evidence of him messaging other women, but did go through recent messages in the group chat I mentioned above.

She took photos of different exchanges and sent them to me. These involve my DP using some really inappropriate terms when discussing other women, including members of our wider friend group - two in particular that are single. We met up as a group last weekend which is likely why it was a recent discussion.

One of the two, he said he ‘wouldn’t ride her into battle’ and the other one, he said (quoted exactly) ‘she must be a shit shag because I’ve never known anyone with a body like that to be single for that long’ followed by laughing emoji’s.

I’ve literally found this out this afternoon and DP is not back from work yet. Do I say anything? It will possibly give away that my friend has been snooping on her partner and I don’t want to cause any issues for her. But at the same time,
i’m really upset about how my DP described my two friends.

@PollyJH Of course he hasn’t ! First chance he got he would have that body though and see if she was shit in bed or not .!
It shows you exactly how he sees women and has no respect for you.
I wouldn’t trust him to be faithful .

Why on earth would you marry him?

I agree. Leave him, don't bother confronting.

The thing is it's not easy to find someone who is genuinely respectful and decent. I bet op's partner hid it well thus far and usually it only comes out after marriage or children.

I don't know what the answer is, but breeding with this sort of man knowingly isn't it.

I wouldn’t say anything to him, but this would be a massive red flag for me. I’d quietly be watching out for any other signs of misogyny and seriously consider whether I want to marry this man.

Absolutely agree with this @PollyJH would be looking closely at our relationship

Tbh men do chat like this with their friends, they have conversations with their friends they wouldn't have with us

No, it's such a low bar to assume all men talk like this.

A few months ago I was with a couple of male friends to watch the US elections - late-night drinking etc - and another of their friends came along and brought some of his colleagues. I had go to into the next door room at one point to do some last-minute work (don't ask) and they didn't know I could still hear them talk. The colleagues that no one know began talking exactly like this (about various female Tory MPs, which boggled my mind) but I noticed very awkward silences from my friends until one of the hosts politely but firmly told the random guys that he wouldn't have that kind of talk in his house. I silently applauded. The randoms didn't stay much longer and when they left I applauded my mates out loud.

Could you watch a drama or doc with him, such as adolescence to broach the subject?

OP didn't snoop though. Her friend did because she was suspicious about her partner and sent the photos of the chat to OP. Is OP supposed to just ignore the misogyny and lack of respect towards two of her close friends.

Ok, this has seriously jumped the shark.

100% this is not how all men speak about women with their friends. Have higher standards.

Can you find a reason to look at your DP phone and come across these messages yourself? Then you can talk to him about it without involving your friend.

Would like to offer you advice I wish I had had. My ex was similar. Rarely allowed me to see his misogynistic views pre marriage and children being yet his behaviour with friends and on boys’ trips was in hindsight terrible. The red flags were there but as he wasn’t waving them in my face I chose to my detriment to ignore them. I wish I hadn’t. I married and had children with only to discover his cheating with another married women, one of many. The fall out and toil on me and my children is something I could only dream of avoiding now. Men like this are not good men regardless of how we dress this up. I now spend a lot of my time protecting my son from my ex’s terrible behaviour and views. Run as fast as you can in the opposite direction and thank your very brave friend for telling you.

This.

He'll still be able to tell which WhatApp group member's phone the screen shot came from though, as their messages will be green and on the righthand side and the other member's messages will be in white on the left.

I'm not saying all men but there are men that do. Op's partner is obviously different with her than he is with his friends

Tell your friend that as she's given you access to these messages and it's bothered you, you obviously won't be able to keep it quiet now. That's a lesson for her in life. It's not fair to expect otherwise.

I think you do need to tell him. Not so you can believe in his apology but so you can explain why you no longer want to get married...

Maybe your OH and his friends all treat women badly if his friend is actually having an affair. I know there's no evidence but it's a possibility.

I'm sorry OP. It must have been awful reading those messages. For the record, anyone who thinks a person (of any gender) is a 'shit shag' it means they don't understand how to have good sex themselves. Blaming a partner for being bad in bed is lame. A good lover won't have a 'shit shag' with anyone.

Yes - there are men that do and they should be avoided.

He leaves it on the side when he showers, so I might use that as an opportunity to look and then I have a way of approaching the subject without dropping my friend in it.

In that case I wouldn't be rushing into marriage.

This. I would not tell partner about this. Your friend is hurting and trying to bring you to the same place. Why spoil your relationship because of some inane remarks? Most/ some of us have had conversations with friend we would not want repeated to partners

Well, it's a gross way to talk about women but I also wouldn't assume the group chat is an accurate reflection of his real feelings. Context collapse is a thing, and it's not unusual for people to find that different parts of their personality come to the fore in different contexts. Your partner has a coarser side that he (quite rightly) saves for a particular context. It doesn't follow that that coarser side is the real him and that the way he is with you is false.

It was wrong of your friend to share the screenshots with you. I'd be trying to put it out of my head. If you can't do that, then tell him what has happened, explain that you didn't snoop but were sent the screenshots without warning, and that they have left you feeling upset, and give him a chance to reassure you.

I suspect that if we could all see our partners in every context and read their every private thought, we'd all find something to object to (and that goes for women as well as men). That's why privacy is desirable and your friend should not have invaded your partner's privacy by sending you the images.

Is there any external catalyst where you could bring the subject up obliquely? e.g. you watch something on netflix about snooping on someone's phone and you ask "If I snooped on your phone (which I wouldn't do), would there be anything on it that you think I'd not like?"

It's a bit like the prisoners dilemma.

Or you could ask directly. "When you post on chat do you ever post anything that is in the smallest way misogynistic?" But if you never have that kind of conversation it won't run well...

He didn’t make the comments around you this time.

Yeah - absolutely just ignore all that you now know 🙄

However the information came to you, you can’t unknow it now - so now you have to deal with it.

Doesn’t sound as if your friend’s relationship is much good anyway, so I wouldn’t worry about ‘landing her in it’ - neither she, not you - have done anything wrong!

Its your boyfriends who are acting inappropriately - if they don’t like being confronted with their shitty behaviour, that’s too bad…

dear god