DP’s messages in group chat - do I confront him?

[PollyJH]

Feeling a bit upset/unsure what to do currently. I have a close friend who is going through a rough time with her partner (pretty much on brink of splitting up). He, my DP and a couple of other friends’ partners have become matey over the years and are in a group chat together.

Here’s the issue. My friend has had recent suspicions that her partner is ‘playing away’, and at the suggestion of another friend, went through his phone. He was on a work call whilst it was charging in another room, so no risk of him walking in.

She didn’t find any evidence of him messaging other women, but did go through recent messages in the group chat I mentioned above.

She took photos of different exchanges and sent them to me. These involve my DP using some really inappropriate terms when discussing other women, including members of our wider friend group - two in particular that are single. We met up as a group last weekend which is likely why it was a recent discussion.

One of the two, he said he ‘wouldn’t ride her into battle’ and the other one, he said (quoted exactly) ‘she must be a shit shag because I’ve never known anyone with a body like that to be single for that long’ followed by laughing emoji’s.

I’ve literally found this out this afternoon and DP is not back from work yet. Do I say anything? It will possibly give away that my friend has been snooping on her partner and I don’t want to cause any issues for her. But at the same time,
i’m really upset about how my DP described my two friends.

I would have to say something!!! I find this type of behaviour so gross🤢

Some people might think it’s just men showing off to eachother and trying to be “laddish” but to have thoughts like this is a red flag in my opinion anyway and disrespectful to your friends

he said he ‘wouldn’t ride her into battle’

I don’t know what this means.

She shouldn’t have involved you but since she has it’s on her if you bringing it up with him causes issues. I hate the idea of DH discussing anyone like this, it’s revolting.

What are you going to do? Can you see him in the same light?

I get your friend is going through a tough time but she is shit stirring, she had no business sending you the messages. Ignore them and keep your wits about you when you are around your friend

It’s one thing to say something like ‘yikes, his nose is so huge he can probably smell BO from China’ or ‘wow, bet she can bench press an elephant’. Quite mean spirited but I’m sure most friend groups exchange private jokes at someone else’s expense.

The bad part is that it’s all sexual and all about women. Women you know, not random celebrities the same way I might talk about Ryan Gosling. Any decent guy wouldn’t go there with this sort of talk. My DH would be devastated to hear me talk about a guy we knew like that, it wouldn’t even enter my head to do it.

Some women wouldn’t care

I can't think of one woman I know who wouldn't care.

I wish she’d never sent me them to be honest

You're better knowing what he's like, no matter what.

It will drop her friend in the shit for going through her partners’ phone.

I’m sorry but under no circumstances pretend you were the one who snooped to save your friend. If you feel the need to confront him say it’s been drawn to my attention that you said x, y and z. It could be any of the partners. If he asks who say you are unwilling to share their name but will forward him the screenshots if he wishes.

I don't think it's her friend she needs to keep her wits about her around.

Your post comes across as quite misogynistic.

I think you’ll be hard pressed to find a man (or woman) that hasn’t said something to their friends that they wouldn’t say to their SOs. I’m sure that I’m not the only one who has made comments that are on the, shall we say, adult content side of things.

Honestly what are you looking to get out of a conversation with your Partner? Contrition, a promise to never do it again, something else?

leave him or let it go…but really your friend who shared this with you would be getting a lot of distance from me…she’s trying to blow up your relationship.

Tricky one OP. Don’t do any further snooping and definitely don’t tell your DP that your mate sent screenshots.

I recommend you watch Adolescence with him and/or focus on asking him about his point of view on women and male “banter”. If you’re both seeing kids in your future, you could ask how he would want to bring up children.

It’s important you really know how he feels, as I’ve seen first hand how any hint of toxic masculinity will only filter down to your future kids.

Don't go through his phone.

Leave it. File it away but leave it.

Only other thing I could do is ask my friend to look at her partners phone again and go back further this time? And send me photos over again

It doesn't matter how you found out or if you even bring up the topic with him.

Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect you? Can't be trusted and hides their true self from you? Manipulates you?

That's the only question you need to ask yourself. The rest doesn't matter. Put yourself first. Who you choose as a partner is one of the biggest decisions of your life.

Personally I wouldn't choose him.

My dh pulls men like this up for saying horrendous remarks like your partner has. It isn't banter and not all men do it. You deserve a man that makes you feel safe. They do exist.

Agreed! Fucking hell 😂😉😂

Why would you do this? I asked earlier , but what are you looking to get out of a confrontation with him?

Your friend is hurting and trying to bring you to the same place.

I actually recognise your username from other threads with similar remarks.

You always always project the worst motivations and character onto women.

They are always the villains ...no matter what the men have done.

You also have very low standards for men.

🚩- yuk, I couldn’t look him in they eye after that. Why does he feel the need to neg her when she’s not even reading it. He must be incredibly insecure.

But then u need to tell your own partner YOU snooped which I think is much worse. He will ask what he's done to make you check his phone. Imo saying someone else sent you screenshots is better than you saying you don't trust him so you went through his phone

Her friend who snooped through her partners phone to find if they were cheating no evidence found of that but she did find evidence of the OPs partner being a dick send it to her and say she couldn’t say anything. The friend is out to cause trouble.

Personally, I'd leave this alone. The conversation was between him and his friends - no, the tone and words used weren't very nice. However, to confront him, you will drop your friend right in the shit. You'll have to tell him how you have screen shots of the messages, you can't avoid it, otherwise he's going to think you've snooped through his phone.

Everyone suggesting using adolescence as a starting point for a "teaching" conversation with a man .... FFS.

This is a grown adult man, her peer - not her son, not her student, not her nephew. She's not his mummy. it's not up to her to teach a grown arse man how to be a decent human being, how not to be sexist, sleazy, degrading etc to women.

That ship has sailed.

Women are not rehab centres for men.

Even if you want to be a rehab centre, good luck with that.

the tone and words used weren't very nice

Not very "nice"!

No wonder so many women are in shit relationships with you see posters on this forum.

I’m with @HuffleMyPuffle
At the moment, your friend’s relationship is delicate & if you speak with your DP it will almost certainly get back to hers, and certainly won’t do it : her any good.
Whether you raise his behaviour & attitudes with your DP in future is another matter for another day.

Why is it misogynistic? The friend has secretly been through her partners’ phone and obviously didn’t examine her motives for sending the screenshots to OP or think through the implications for herself. So she’s inadvertently involved OP and her DP in her own situation. If OP confronts her own DP it will cause trouble in the wider friendship group because he’ll know his own friends’ partner is snooping on him, as well as being angry with OP’s friend for sending screenshots of what was a private conversation, not intended for anyone else to see.