DP’s messages in group chat - do I confront him?

[PollyJH]

Feeling a bit upset/unsure what to do currently. I have a close friend who is going through a rough time with her partner (pretty much on brink of splitting up). He, my DP and a couple of other friends’ partners have become matey over the years and are in a group chat together.

Here’s the issue. My friend has had recent suspicions that her partner is ‘playing away’, and at the suggestion of another friend, went through his phone. He was on a work call whilst it was charging in another room, so no risk of him walking in.

She didn’t find any evidence of him messaging other women, but did go through recent messages in the group chat I mentioned above.

She took photos of different exchanges and sent them to me. These involve my DP using some really inappropriate terms when discussing other women, including members of our wider friend group - two in particular that are single. We met up as a group last weekend which is likely why it was a recent discussion.

One of the two, he said he ‘wouldn’t ride her into battle’ and the other one, he said (quoted exactly) ‘she must be a shit shag because I’ve never known anyone with a body like that to be single for that long’ followed by laughing emoji’s.

I’ve literally found this out this afternoon and DP is not back from work yet. Do I say anything? It will possibly give away that my friend has been snooping on her partner and I don’t want to cause any issues for her. But at the same time,
i’m really upset about how my DP described my two friends.

Ffs OPs fiance was an immature idiot

But some of the comments you're throwing at each other are worse.

Happens on AIBU all of the time. It's kind of the point, people are asked to make judgements on those they've never met.

Though I don't need to have met someone when their actions say it all. There's also friends partner who has met him and talked about skeletons in his closet which doesn't bode well.

Funny, I thought the point of MN was that people post for advice. OP didn’t ask whether her fiancé was a misogynistic shitbag, she asked whether she should confront him. Didn’t stop a slew of posters telling her he was a misogynistic shitbag though. Which was not the point of her post. At all.

In what way did he not comment on your sister @PollyJH? If he was a decent man he would have stopped the conversation not said something about low cut dress

And before other posters jump on me, I am not full of bitterness. I have a high bar, DH is on the same page and we have brought our son up to be respectful

If he does misogynistic shitbag things then people will call him a misogynistic shitbag. Especially on AIBU.

If he wasn’t a misogynistic shitbag posters might not have suggested OP confront him @Lovelysausagedogscrumpy

@PollyJH who did food shop and cooked dinner, or did you just eat the chocolates?

Op it's your life, people absolutely can change, can make ammends and not do destructive behaviors again. Can earn back trust.But the ones that are successful in that put in the work and boundaries to make that successful. What is your partner going to do going forward that will help him change those view points and behaviors? What boundaries will he put in place for himself to stop him slipping into old behaviors and "banter"?
Bearing in mind he is surrounded by a friendship group that also hold those same destructive viewpoints and behaviors, so they won't challenge him or pull him up. Those behaviors and views are also something that he has engaged with and held For well over a decade or more. It's difficult to change ingrained habits.

Saying he won't do it again but not telling you how he plans to keep that promise is as much good as someone saying they will lose weight without changing a single thing about their lifestyle or diet.

Life can deal us some real shit hands. Especially as we get older.Is this the person who you want by your side who is going to be there for you and always want the best for you? Does he allow you to be the best version of yourself does he lift you up? Or are you having to sacrifice parts of yourself by being with him? Because he has certainly disrupted your peace and that won't go away for you on its own.

What? Go and have a lie down 🙄

As expected, OP will have to learn the hard way🙄.

Flowers and chocolates 🤣🙄

Are you implying because a fully grown man made pervy comment about a fully grown woman he is also capable of molesting his future daughters? Or am I missing something?

"I hope the dresses will be tight and low cut to"

You can rugsweep but this will come up again.

You know he didn't give you his phone because you would have found even worse and likely about you.

@namechangetheworld would you want daughters to have a dad who had that attitude towards women

No. I'm saying I hope he never has daughters since he clearly has no respect for women.

To be fair, it applies to sons too because it's an awful example to set.

What attitude, finding a woman attractive and commenting on it?

How on earth does this relate to him having daughters in the future? Don't be daft.

What’s not classy is your fiance. He’s repugnant. Even having that language to describe women in him is repulsive. Decent men would not utter those words even to impress their friends.

you do you. Just don’t expect a happy ever after with this objectifying, misogynistic, sister in law ogling and salivating creep.

and yes he has checked your sister out. That’s why he knew the others would say crude things.

to stop them he wouldn’t indulge by initiating sexual drooling comments. He would tell them to shut up.

To be frank, a man making crude, sexual comments and salivating over his fiancé’s SISTER doesn’t suggest he has a whole lot of boundaries

Using terms which OP herself described as really inappropriate towards women. Not to mention the comment when asked about OP's sister.

I wouldn't want to have a daughter (or a child at all) with someone who is misogynistic.

He’s salivating over his future sister in law and will 100% be drooling over her at the wedding.
it’s not a stretch to suggest the sort of prick who behaves like this will shag prostitutes on his own stag. The man has no boundaries and sees all women including his future family as sexual objects to be crude over

What a disgusting comment

Hopefully all stag does he'll ever go on will also be golfing weekends!

I dated an older man, keen golfer - went on golf trips to Spain and Portugal. Vast majority of the men on the tips were married, with grown up kids and often grand kids.

He said there are brothels in Portugal etc. they went to most nights. Often South American prostitutes; they would have been young enough to be their grand daughters.

Their wives probably thought they were well past that age, or that they we weren't like that at all.

That's what golf trips are (golf in the daytime, other activities at night) to a section of the male golfers from my region of the UK, and I somehow doubt it's isolated to my region.

finding a woman attractive and commenting on it?

Decent men wouldn't comment on their attraction to their partner's sister.

And the other comments were derogatory women.
Nothing to do with attraction.
Everything to do with objectifying, judging, degrading etc. women.

This thread is full of some of the highest level minimising, twisting, gas lighting and outright lying about a man's behaviour and words; I've ever seen on here.
It's truly bizarre.

My sister was cheaply bought/won over with flowers, chocolates (and in her case a bracelet) too.

She's divorced.

(The gestures just further demonstrate men like this's opinion of women ..... easily suckered with romantic gestures, soft, silly, emotional, "manipulable").

It's depressing to see a young woman who could choose better throwing her lot in with someone like this.

I suppose Austen (?) was right when she said never rush to partner yourself to a fool, because there are plenty of other (female) fools to partner them.

He won’t be silly enough to do it again

He won't be silly enough to get caught again

And as for consequences....there have been none, so he knows there will continue to be none.

Especially after you've gotten married and don't want to break it up, be divorced and look like a "failure".

Doubly, especially after you've had kids and don't want to break up your home and family.

He knows you won't get rid of him for sleazing over your sister, being sexually derogatory towards your female acquaintances, and having been told that his friend said he has "lots of skeletons in his closet" now ; with no marriage or kids ... . You think he believes you'll get rid of him when you're tied in and invested?

You only have nothing concrete because his mate wouldn't elaborate on his knee-jerk bit of indiscretion (when he couldn't help himself responding to your friend holding your relationship up as some kind of ideal to him). He shut up himself quickly after that lapse ....and with all this being discussed - he"ll continue that x 100.
That's why you have nothing concrete

(Anyway, many people would consider his remarks about your sister's body and his remarks about other women of your acquaintance "concrete" enough in terms of his character and values).

Don't be so naive! He will just get better at it