DP’s messages in group chat - do I confront him?

[PollyJH]

Feeling a bit upset/unsure what to do currently. I have a close friend who is going through a rough time with her partner (pretty much on brink of splitting up). He, my DP and a couple of other friends’ partners have become matey over the years and are in a group chat together.

Here’s the issue. My friend has had recent suspicions that her partner is ‘playing away’, and at the suggestion of another friend, went through his phone. He was on a work call whilst it was charging in another room, so no risk of him walking in.

She didn’t find any evidence of him messaging other women, but did go through recent messages in the group chat I mentioned above.

She took photos of different exchanges and sent them to me. These involve my DP using some really inappropriate terms when discussing other women, including members of our wider friend group - two in particular that are single. We met up as a group last weekend which is likely why it was a recent discussion.

One of the two, he said he ‘wouldn’t ride her into battle’ and the other one, he said (quoted exactly) ‘she must be a shit shag because I’ve never known anyone with a body like that to be single for that long’ followed by laughing emoji’s.

I’ve literally found this out this afternoon and DP is not back from work yet. Do I say anything? It will possibly give away that my friend has been snooping on her partner and I don’t want to cause any issues for her. But at the same time,
i’m really upset about how my DP described my two friends.

Also you czn absolutely be guaranteed those screen shots will be shared by that other woman around the wedding.
Everyone else knowing exactly the type the groom is, that the bride knows as well, but was gung ho to get married.

When things invariably goes tits up, word gets round he is messing on the side, did it on the stag, sympathy will be in short supply as the bride walked down the isle, eye's wide open.

There is so much more to a marriage than the wedding day ....unfortunately those who don't get that, pay a high price the hard way.

You've been on MN that long and you're this clueless??

I'm wondering now if you're a troll.

Yes the bridesmaids dresses will be huge, high necked sacks not showing an inch of flesh just in case the groom can't control himself 😂

I genuinely feel really sad for you

Have a great time. The misandrists are out in full dementor garb this weekend, all over the site. Just crack on having a lovely day. @PollyJH

wedding plans in full swing

Be sure to run your sister's bridesmaid dress choice by your fiancé.

That would only be fair, given his high hopes that it will be figure hugging and low cut - for he and his mates to enjoy.

Are the female friends he feels the need to say he "wouldn't ride" and the one he feels the need to comment on having a great body (but must be crazy cause she can't "keep" a man in spite of the great body") going to attend the wedding??

Maybe you should let him know his true opinions of them so they don't attend, spend money on nice outfits, spend money on transport, spend money on gifts for you both etc ....not knowing that your groom tells his mates that one of them is too ugly to fuck, and the other one must be a nutcase cause she can't keep a man in spite of her good body.

I wouldn't let his friend who knows all the skeletons in his closet do a speech either. Keep him sober and out of the proceedings.

Sounds like a lovely wedding.

Anyway I suppose women in general should be grateful you're taking this cretin out of circulation. Someone else might have ended up with him; if you're so willing to be the sacrifice, well ....

Ah, thinking a man is a shit one for sleazing over his sister in law to be's body with his mates and pronouncing whether he'd fuck their female acquaintances or not - now makes someone a misandrist!!!!!

Got it.

I think you mixed up the words misandrist and misogynist....there are certainly lots of misogynists on this thread.
They must really hate women to encourage one to throw in their lot with someone like him.

Most of us rub along with an imperfect man because we're imperfect women.

I think if a man tried to win my forgiveness by buying me basic cliched shit like flowers and chocolate I'd be even more livid than I was in the first place.

His "explanation" was laughable too.

Oh and in case you missed it, op ..... Middle aged (and probably all ages of) men go to brothels on golf trips in Spain and Portugal. I had it from the horse's mouth of a long term golfer.

Just to let you know for future.

I've known wives who go to Marbella, Tenerife for the same thing. Your point is.

Like I said imperfect women.

This is far more than merely 'imperfect'. Your standards are subterranean level.

Oh and I absolutely agree - some women are suited to men like him. I know women who cheat and have barely had one man,'s come run out of them before they've got another dick up them, I know women who pull on girls trips, I know women who give colleagues blow jobs in the toilets at functions, I've seen tipsy women with wedding rings sitting on the train opposite me holding hands with and gripping the thigh of men who they're not married to, I know women who send married men messages trying to slide in to their DMS to fuck them and ultimately try to get them to leave their wives and families, I know women who knowingly let men raise kids that aren't theirs, and on and on.....I personally know several women like this.

But the op doesn't sound like one of them.

So she is not the "imperfect" match to this guy ...who tbh I don't think we even have the tip f the iceberg on.

But ..... She's made her bed and she will lie in it.

In my experience - never the wives of the cheating men.

Because cheating, double standarded men choose well.

They never choose the same as them.

You're unbelievability naive if you haven't realised that.

You know women that go to Marbella and Tenerife to visit brothels? Really?

Golfing holidays can also unfortunately ime centre around cheating. Tread carefully OP. Once you marry and have children, men like this tend to get very hostile and resentful, very quickly.

I could actually understand accepting the crude banter. It's over the line for me, but if I'm being honest that's because of the tone - I've talked about men in sexual terms with my friends. Not as crudely and if DP had a brother I certainly wouldn't go there, but being in a relationship doesn't mean we stop having opinions on other people's attractiveness.

What I don't understand is, if I didn't accept it, being fobbed off with the lamest excuse of all time and a bunch of flowers.

I find this very hard to believe. And PP is right. Usually the wives of cheating husbands are majority holding the fort at home as their ex will be absent and neglectful. Golf is a common theme among these idiots

get my ducks in a row, my free 30 minutes with a shit hot lawyer, hide my passport (have I missed anything 😂)

That advice is for married women.

You're not married yet. That's why so many people have bothered to try to help you.
Which you find amusing.

Is your difficulty understanding basic facts linked to your difficulty understanding your fiancé's behaviour?

Listen. Posters are trying to help you. If you think that's funny crack on. Just pray your dickhead partner doesn't try and crack on to your sister.

if DP had a brother I certainly wouldn't go there

Exactly.

A man with no boundary around discussing his sister in law to be's body in a suggestive/sexual way with his mates .....is unlikely to have any boundaries for other things.

And his mate let it slip - loud and clear - that he has many skeletons in his closet.

That slip was a knee jerk reaction at being unfavorably compared to him - that resulted in a bit of indiscretion.
It was a rare insight. They sound rather good at keeping secrets the rest of the time. None of these partners had a clue about the sister etc comments - until a woman looked through the messages.
She also - probably correctly - suspects her partner of cheating; birds of a feather flock together.

OP, with respect, you came here for advice and a handhold, both of which you got in spades.

However, strangers on the Internet are not your best friends, and they dont owe you unwavering support on how you decide to move on from this they're well within their rights to tell you they think you're wrong. FWIW I think he's gotten off incredibly lightly

What you now don't get to do is mock these people because everything's all fine and dandy again as far as you're concerned.

If this happens again, which it will, stay off here and buy yourself some waterproof mascara.

She's defensive cause she knows he looks really bad and she looks really weak.

So she's coming out fighting, all "I'm cool with it all, and aren't you all silly, you make me laugh".

Not very convincing.