DP’s messages in group chat - do I confront him?

[PollyJH]

Feeling a bit upset/unsure what to do currently. I have a close friend who is going through a rough time with her partner (pretty much on brink of splitting up). He, my DP and a couple of other friends’ partners have become matey over the years and are in a group chat together.

Here’s the issue. My friend has had recent suspicions that her partner is ‘playing away’, and at the suggestion of another friend, went through his phone. He was on a work call whilst it was charging in another room, so no risk of him walking in.

She didn’t find any evidence of him messaging other women, but did go through recent messages in the group chat I mentioned above.

She took photos of different exchanges and sent them to me. These involve my DP using some really inappropriate terms when discussing other women, including members of our wider friend group - two in particular that are single. We met up as a group last weekend which is likely why it was a recent discussion.

One of the two, he said he ‘wouldn’t ride her into battle’ and the other one, he said (quoted exactly) ‘she must be a shit shag because I’ve never known anyone with a body like that to be single for that long’ followed by laughing emoji’s.

I’ve literally found this out this afternoon and DP is not back from work yet. Do I say anything? It will possibly give away that my friend has been snooping on her partner and I don’t want to cause any issues for her. But at the same time,
i’m really upset about how my DP described my two friends.

I actually hope they don’t have any sons to pass on the misogynistic attitudes to, either.

Very true.

Definitely not father material either way.

You mean he won't be silly enough to get caught next time.

Is getting some cock really this important to you that you will settle for a guy that will be ogling your sister at your own wedding? Ffs get some self respect!

PS If he truly loved you, your sisters tits wouldn't even be on his radar!! And you know it. Enjoy your 'marriage'.

He showed absolutely no remorse at all, at first. Only now does he.

Have some women truly come down in the last shower and have no understanding of how men operate?

Ummm..... You might want to remember what you told us.

another partner asks my DP ‘is PollyJH’s sister going to be a bridesmaid at the wedding’. His reply said ‘Yes. And before one of you dirty buggers say it, I hope the dresses will be tight and low cut too 😂😂

Yes, this is so classy..... His reply said ‘Yes. And before one of you dirty buggers say it, I hope the dresses will be tight and low cut too 😂😂

So classy, that bit of shit you're marrying. How proud you must feel, such class and high standards there.

I do think you've were quite unfair to start blaming your friend for wanting to sabotage your relationship. That would be true if she made up what she had said but she didn't because your DP did say it. It's not nice what he's said but if you've talked about it and drawn a line I'd suggest moving on. I wonder if you're upset at your friend because she has uncovered a flaw in your seemingly perfect relationship and you are uncomfortable now that she knows this. It's not classy for women to turn on women when it's men doing the crap. Fair enough to say you don't want to hear anything more, your choice.

But he did specifically comment on your sister. When asked if your sister would be a bridesmaid he said “yes… and I hope the dresses will be tight and low cut”. That was a comment about wanting the dress to show off your sister’s boobs.

How will you know if he says stuff like this again? He never showed you the texts, he never will show you the texts, and if he is more circumspect about what he types that doesn’t mean he’s not thinking and saying these things in private.

I’m not saying you should end the relationship. But I do think you shouldn’t lay things to rest because of a cheap gift. (Or even an expensive gift, but this one was cheap.)

You know what he’s saying right now in the group chat? “All serene here. Got in a game of golf without any nagging and chucked her some flowers and chocs and it seems to have blown over. Phew.”

@PollyJH, your calling your Partner’s horrific behavior ‘silly’ suggests that you are minimizing his massive disrespect of you and his entrenched devaluation of women.

Flowers and chocolates won’t erase who he is — a vulgarian who sees women as fair game for his and his crew’s lascivious drooling and mockery. It’s creepy how they enjoy sharing their arousal. Decent men don’t behave this way. They don’t act like dogs in heat or gain validation by trampling on women’s dignity.

He bamboozled you that his scuzzy remarks re your sister are ‘logical’. The truth is that he wants to ogle her and all the bridesmaids’ cleavage, and it was the specific mention of your sister that triggered his lusty remarks.

He forbade your seeing his phone, which obviously holds or has held a deep well of both sexual and mean-spirited comments, and perhaps worse. No female in his orbit is
off-limits to his degradation, neither you nor your sister or friends.

P has you where he wants you with little effort and probably can’t believe it’s been so easy. He has suffered no real consequences and has successfully obstructed you. You’re ostriching and refusing to listen to anything else your friend discovers. P is free to resume his abhorrent ways and you’ll be none the wiser.

@PollyJH, you’ve been gifted with strong warnings. This man is not a safe partner, and is not husband or father material.

Tamely accepting him not showing you the chat, and then gaslighting yourself for chocolate and flowers is an odd choice this early, before you're tied to him.

He brought you your favourite chocolates? Oh, everything is definitely OK then. You should definitely marry him. He sounds absolutely Perfect. I mean it's every woman's dream to marry a man who is perving all over their sisters tits on their wedding day. How lovely.

And trying to blame your friend for trying to sabotage your relationship? She's trying to help you, to stop you making what will probably be the biggest mistake of your life. Stop being an idiot

I think you’re being very sensible, op.

Thank you - I think unless I get my ducks in a row, my free 30 minutes with a shit hot lawyer, hide my passport (have I missed anything 😂) and ultimately LTB, some people will never be happy.

Well you certainly won’t be…

I am happy today, sun is shining, wedding plans in full swing and I’m about to pop out for a roast and a glass of wine in a nice pub garden 😍

Good luck love

I think OP's desperation to have a wedding is making her ignore her natural instincts.

Most people would die of embarrassment walking down the aisle knowing that several people at the wedding are aware of the groom's sexual fantasies about the bride's friends and sister! Can you imagine how awkward it will be very time she sees him talking to the bridesmaids, knowing he has been fantasising about their tits?

He told me the bridesmaid comment was out of context and not made about my sister at all, but more generally he was pre empting crude comments from his friends so wanted to shut it down with a bit of ‘humour’ before they started getting on at him. He said he sees my sister as his own family and is horrified it came across in that way.

Seriously, you believe that? He literally said he hopes the dresses are tight and low when asked if your sister is a bridesmaid.

It's one thing talking to the lads about random strangers but to actually talk about your sister is too far, and he DID talk about your sister. I'm not saying he has a thing for your sister but he clearly thinks she has a hot body hence why he hopes the dresses will be tight and low.

@PollyJH can you explain your comment that he didn’t talk about your sister, because your earlier post about the screenshot definitely states he talked about your sister in a derogatory way. There is no context as far as I can see from that message that he wasn’t talking about your sister. If he was trying to shut the conversation he should have said he wanted to shut the conversation down. And if he wasn’t able to say that then he needs new mates.

Are you going to tell your sister about the conversation and what your partner and his mates think about her? If not, then you know that the conversation wasn’t appropriate

I’m embarrassed for you. This reminds me of all the social media posts where they are the perfect couple and one is an open cheat.

Don’t feel embarrassed. Feel sad for her

No. What’s disgusting is this repulsive man

OP you are gaslighting YOURSELF now
I’m sorry this is hard. But it’s also real.

Whilst sitting with the man who openly said he hoped your sister was wearing something tight and low
🤮

What’s the bet the OP will start to demonise her sister if she wears anything even slightly revealing. She’s already demonised the friend who outed this whole thing.
it’ll be the sister next. Anyone but the man because the OP would then have to accept he’s a class one arse.