Friends daughter(16) ruined designer dress

[kidditsonyou]

DSD (22) works around fashion so has a lot of clothes and often gets designer items at good price.

Friend asked if her daughter could borrow a dress for her 16th birthday. I asked DSD who agreed, she often lends clothes to friends and family. Dress chose and borrowed was very expensive and covered in intricate beading, DSD got it heavily reduced but still cost several hundred. DSD says she heavily pushed for daughter to try it on while she was there but she refused, was told it fit perfectly.

Dress returned today and is very damaged.
Zip tape is ripped, Inside lining is ripped and main body is very stretched and warped. Several areas of beading damaged and quite a lot of beads missing. No mention of this when dropped off.

DSD reckons is not repairable / not worth repairing because of the amount of different areas of damage. Previous plan was that DSD would also lend a prom dress.
DSD is very kind and anxious, she is not likely to kick up a fuss or demand anything but is upset. I feel responsible as the initial conversation came through me.

What’s reasonable in this situation? It’s not unreasonable to refuse lending of prom dress and also request at least the price DSD paid for the dress, is it? (Though she wouldn’t be able to get the same dress at that price again)
I know this would be a lot of money for friend

Well it's not a surprising outcome is it?

Cheeky enough to ask for a prom dress, cheeky enough to take a very expensive designer beaded dress for a 16th birthday party?

I mean most mums would have said no, that's too much.

Or indeed just no, who needs designer for their 16th?

They could have rented or looked in charity shops!

Good point! Yes. Pay SD back and then inform ex friend and mother of the cost you've incurred due to the damage caused by them.

BUT don't tell them JUST yet. Let them labour under the delusion that you've let it drop, in the hopes they'll still think they're going to be able to borrow a prom dress too. Then wheel out your revelation when they come begging at prom time. When it's far too late to get a nice gown elsewhere.

That’s pretty mean. OP has said she’s going to reimburse DSD herself. Not everyone has the spare energy and mental capacity to start taking people to court. Besides, they can’t actually prove this girl damaged the dress.

I was thinking this. So many threads on here about horrible step mums, lovely to see a good one.

I think this is excellent advice.

It might be that the value of the dress now needs to be written off. Or if you can bear it, you could ask for some kind of contribution towards what it cost, even if this doesn’t cover the full price.

Definitely don’t loan a prom dress. That would be crazy. The friend messed up in two separate ways - i) forcing herself into a dress that was a poor fit, ii) losing the beading once she had it on.

You only need to point out that the first dress wasn’t returned in the same condition it was loaned, without going into detail.

Why should the op reimburse the step daughter through? This is down to the people who borrowed it. Why should they get away with it? IF they don't and after exploring all avenues and they don't pay out,then it's down to the op.

Did the mother actually see the dress after it was damaged? She might have just dropped it off in the packet or bag assuming that all was well? I would say “I am sure you didn't notice this as it was all rather hectic, but unfortunately xx has damaged the dress which I am sure was an accident but obviouslyYY is upset because it cost her ££ to buy; we have looked into it and sadly it will cost a lot/ too much to repair. Could you and xx have a chat about how to put this situation right for YY and let us know.”

Have you said anything to the spoiled brat and her rude mother about a prom dress? I would not say anything and wait until they want to come and get a dress. Put them off as long as possible and then, when it's almost prom, then tell them "No way in God's little green apple earth would we lend you a paper sack, let alone a dress." Let them hurry to find one on their own.

Yes, I admit it, I am petty sometimes, especially when treated so poorly after doing something nice.

Round my way, a certain demographic has become fixated on Sweet 16 parties - largely because of reality tv shows, I think.

I should think that hearing the value of the dress is exactly why your friend's daughter chose it.

Otherwise why would the young girl have chiosen a dress which clearly wasn't going to fit? She wanted the bragging rights.

I suspect you'll have to chalk this one up to experience @kidditsonyou , and fund your DSD to snap up a replacement next time she has the opportunity to buy a beautiful dress at a reduced price. That is, I wouldn't try to replace that exact dress, but promise that if she has the opportunity to purchase a similarly expensive or high end dress at her industry discount, you'll buy it for her.

Oh wow. Talk about shifting blame and looking to excuse bad behaviour. It’s squarely on friend and daughter 100%.

Stop being contrary for the sake of it.

@roxyro what an odd take. I can have an independent thought on a situation without it being a deliberate choice. I would never lend anything that I thought might not fit or that could be easlily damaged etc etc. I have loads of boundaries about my things, from books to bags.

It’s all very well banging on about what people should and shouldn’t do, but the reality is they can’t prove this person damaged the dress so there’s not point taking it to court. People shouldn’t damage other people’s property like this, but they did. If I were the OP I would be giving DSD the money for the dress myself. Even if there was evidence and they actually could go to court, I’d still give DSD the money myself to start with so that she’s not out of pocket waiting for it.

At the very least, the dress was damaged whilst lent to the friend, @ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine, and I would argue that, having borrowed it, she is therefore responsible for caring for it and returning it in the same condition in which it was lent to her.

I think she, or her mum, should reimburse the OP’s dsd, and if the damage was caused by someone else, they can try to get them to pay towards the repairs too - it’s their responsibility not the OP’s dsd’s.

Sadly that didn't happen. The (ex)friend and her entitled daughter showed their true colours when the OP spoke to them. The only positive thing is the trash took itself out with their obnoxious and shameful behaviour.

@kidditsonyou is well rid of the vile scrummy pair.

Because Op was the person who put the DSD into the awkward position of lending to what's essentially a friend of a friend.

Trying to claim anything via a court will be a stressful waste of time because their is no way to prove the dress wasn't previously damaged, or damaged after return.

I think next time DSD is about to buy an expensive dress you should pay for it. She is the only really innocent party in this misadventure.

I used to work in fashion and got beautiful things heavily discounted but I’d only lend them when I knew the person would treat the item as I would.

I’ve worked in stores where exquisite items would be returned as “just not right” where it looked like the dress had been dragged behind a horse round Aintree, and the inside smothered in fake tan and in one particularly memorable occasion with skid marks on the lining. Yes, we used to turn the items inside out whilst discussing the “just not rightness”. Bonus points if there was a really long queue of disgusted customers.

No she doesn’t. I went round there and when it turned into crying and shouting I left. I’m not going to kick and scream about it and DSD wouldnt want me to, I can’t force someone to give me money.
We wouldn’t get anywhere with small claims court, there was no contract and no proof of who damaged it + as it’s not my dress I would imagine DSD would actually have to be involved in the process which she would not want to do.
I will make it up to her and pay her what I need to, + this is the end of that friendship

Did she bring up the prom dress?

I said obviously DSD won’t be lending them anything else.
I really don’t think she has enough to cheek to come back and ask for it again.

not nice. They sound toxic

Your DSD sounds like a lovely person. Even though this is a horrible way for people to behave it is a nice change to hear of a good relationship between step mum and DSD. Hope this doesn't change anything.
Can't stand cheeky fuckery and taking advantage. Hope you can both put them behind you soon.💐

There is a company called The Seam who do the most amazing invisible repairs on all kinds of items - it's astonishing what they can fix. Might be a good option if your DSD is looking at getting it repaired. I hope they come to their senses, apologise and offer her the money,. unlikely as it may seem!

I think you need to stop letting any friends ask if they can borrow your DSD’s clothes. It’s different if she loans them to her own trusted friends and accepts the consequences, but loaning to your friends children is a very different game. She likely didn’t want to say no to you.

I was in a dress shop the other day and there was a prom section. The owner was moaning to me about people coming in so late and expecting everything to be ready on time. I am not sure if this is the normal thing but she only has the ones to try on in the shop - they all have to be ordered and there is quite a lead time on this. The CFs need to get their skates on if they realise that their frankly appalling behaviour means that they won’t be borrowing a dress from your DSD.