Friends daughter(16) ruined designer dress

[kidditsonyou]

DSD (22) works around fashion so has a lot of clothes and often gets designer items at good price.

Friend asked if her daughter could borrow a dress for her 16th birthday. I asked DSD who agreed, she often lends clothes to friends and family. Dress chose and borrowed was very expensive and covered in intricate beading, DSD got it heavily reduced but still cost several hundred. DSD says she heavily pushed for daughter to try it on while she was there but she refused, was told it fit perfectly.

Dress returned today and is very damaged.
Zip tape is ripped, Inside lining is ripped and main body is very stretched and warped. Several areas of beading damaged and quite a lot of beads missing. No mention of this when dropped off.

DSD reckons is not repairable / not worth repairing because of the amount of different areas of damage. Previous plan was that DSD would also lend a prom dress.
DSD is very kind and anxious, she is not likely to kick up a fuss or demand anything but is upset. I feel responsible as the initial conversation came through me.

What’s reasonable in this situation? It’s not unreasonable to refuse lending of prom dress and also request at least the price DSD paid for the dress, is it? (Though she wouldn’t be able to get the same dress at that price again)
I know this would be a lot of money for friend

There's a chunk of horrible diet culture in the background here.

The 16 year old probably didn't want to try it on (?with an audience) because she suspected it would be a tight fit and didn't want to be embarrassed or have people comment adversely on her body. She presumably then didn't have an alternative for the event so somehow thought squeezing in and stretching it would be ok or was her least worst option. And presumably also her parents didn't notice that the dress wasn't fitting properly and couldn't prompt her to change.

So with future dresses your step daughter is considering lending it makes sense to be clear to people that designer sizing isn't the same as high street sizing so things may be smaller than they're expecting. It will help if she can offer a choice of dress. She's probably going to have to be explicit with people that stretching the fabric to squeeze in will damage these dresses (it isn't obvious if you'd do that to your own clothes without a thought expecting the dress to give a bit and mould to your body. It's also not obvious if this is a very different style of clothing to what you usually wear). It's also going to be useful for her to provide low stakes ways of declining if nothing fits well - "no worries if there's nothing you like, I've got some unusual tastes that aren't to everyone's liking" Or "some of them are for tall people, so the hems might fall at a bad length for you" or similar.

Diet culture isn't your step daughter's fault but it will be influencing all interactions involving trying on clothes that might not fit and managing the situation when they don't.

I think the 16 year old's parents have some responsibility for the dress being stretched even if the other damage is accidental from being at a party.

There's maybe something there for your step daughter to consider - which events she's happy to lend dresses for.

Sorry I think it’s on you , you put your stepdaughter in awkward position by asking her to lend to your friends daughter . That’s not fair , if you aren’t going to ask friend for money I’d cover it yourself and not ask her to give her things to your friends again .

Your friend should of course pay for the dress. However, if she doesn't, you need to reimburse your DSD yourself because it was your friend and you asked your DSD. Surely this is obvious?

You definitely need to get straight back to your friend and ask her if she was aware that the dress was badly damaged while on loan, is there any waybthat she couldn't have known?

Does your daughter know the other daughter? - if so surely she would have known whether it would fit her or not?

Pretty important given your description of the damage sounds like it may have been damaged by her forcing herself into a dress that was far too small for her.

Reparations should definitely be offered and then requested if not freely offered.

I think dsd did this for you because you asked her to. I think it should be between you and your friend to make this right.

Makes sense. By the way, this being a Mum's not a Mom's group, when did Proms start here?

I used to work in bridalwear. Heavily beaded dresses are notoriously easily damaged. They are fragile, the fabric is often delicate while the beading adds weight, so warping and pulling and zip tearing etc is not unusual. The beads catch and snag and come unstitched really easily too. Your DSD was very kind but it was probably not sensible to lend a 16 year old something so expensive, impractical and delicate.

I would not make a massive fuss about it to the girl or her mother, just put it down to experience. But I would politely decline to lend her anything else.

I think you need to compensate your DSD for this. How you square it with your friend is your choice but absolutely no on borrowing another dress.

The daughter is 22. She was there and agreed to lend the dress. Her stepmother just facilitated the conversation

Well I had one in 1997 so a fair while....

Personally I no longer lend out anything of value, even cheap stuff if I like it I don’t. Purée because it often comes back (with no malice or intention) broken or unusable. I don’t have the cash to keep replacing so I just forget to mention what I have, if someone sees me in something I just say I borrowed it.

I feel sorry for her and annoying this person has taken her good character for granted. I’m not sure of the best action but I would mention it, thing is I think it has to be done at the time of drop off or within a short timeframe.

Yeah, proms have been a thing in the UK for decades.

This is tricky OP, sort of situation I find v difficult to tackle head on but it does need addressing and you're absolutely doing the right thing standing up for your DSD. Taking the dress round for an in-person chat sounds v sensible. Good luck.

There is a bit of me thinks this too.
I bet the 16 yo had no idea what they true value of the dress was.
I bet her mum didn't know either.
Why was neither Op or or Ops friend there when the dress was borrowed?

Firstly I don't think DSD should have been asked to lend out her expensive dresses, to friends, daughter, it's too distant a relationship.

Second even if she was offering out a dress she should have narrowed the choices down to reasonably priced dresses. She works in fashion, she must know they are delicate.

If I was Op I'd say something to friend, but id chalk it up as lessons learned for everyone. Don't let it ruin a friendship.

Excellent response

OP, how about asking a recommended professional — perhaps one recommended by the designer — how much it would cost to fix and then approaching your friend and asking her to pay? If it's going to cost several hundred to put right then you could threaten the small claims court, but I think they — like me — will want to know why your daughter didn't check that the dress fitted the girl properly before lending it to her and specify the care with which it she expected it to be treated.

I also think that in a court situation your friend would be able to raise issues about it being unreasonable to expect a beaded dress not to show some signs of wear and tear after a big night out — and you knew it was for a night out. I worked for a while as a fashion assistant for TV programme and I know how easily delicate and beaded garments could be damaged even during a brief photo shoot. I think one could reasonably argue that with such a dress it would be unrealistic for there to be no signs of wear and tear after use.

Your friend has behaved outrageously in dropping the dress off and running and I would suggest she is not actually your friend. Your DSD has learned a hard lesson about never lending anyone anything one can't afford to lose.

This. It's reminded me of my niece's wedding, where she had a heavily beaded dress that shed beads almost from the minute she put it on. There were beads in the bridal car, down the aisle and loads came off over the course of the reception with her sitting down and leaning back in her chair. The little bridesmaids turned picking beads up into a game.

It was a rookie mistake to lend such a dress to anyone. Very unlikely that even the most careful person could have returned it without some damage. Never borrow or lend a beaded dress!

Well, they say to not invest or lend money that you can't afford to lose and that goes for dresses as well. Only lend out items that won't cause you distress if they get damaged.

This no more lending and reimburse the ruined dress

I think this is primarily between you and your friend op, as taht was the conversation. The fact the daughter doesn’t work is immaterial as it’s the parents responsibility (the drop and run suggested she knew). I think you’ve already realised you should have been there at the hand over to encourage trying on, say no not that dress etc as dsd possibly felt very ok the spot by a teen stranger to her. I think grind should pay for a skilled repair

Your DSD did someone a favour and got her dress ruined, your cf friend is responsible for her daughter and should pay for the dress. You were involved in borrowing the dress you should go and sort it out with your friend

She's not trustworthy enough to lend her anything else, but clearly she is too big for your DSD's clothes so tell her mother that as the dress was too small it's a no for the prom dress.

You need to tell her sooner rather than later because she'll have to make alternative arrangements.

I would start taking deposits when lending items out.. non refundable if damaged and make them sign for it as well.

Oh! America crept in earlier than I thought. I wish it would creep out again.

I effectively had one in 1994 although we were still calling it the 6th form formal at that point. It seems to have been much the same thing, though.

Having said that, the whole limos and hiring make up artists didn’t happen - it was a meal and a dance at a hotel. I don’t even think anyone smuggled in any alcohol (or if they did, I wasn’t offered any).

Ya live and learn, put it down to experience and dont loan again x