Friends daughter(16) ruined designer dress

[kidditsonyou]

DSD (22) works around fashion so has a lot of clothes and often gets designer items at good price.

Friend asked if her daughter could borrow a dress for her 16th birthday. I asked DSD who agreed, she often lends clothes to friends and family. Dress chose and borrowed was very expensive and covered in intricate beading, DSD got it heavily reduced but still cost several hundred. DSD says she heavily pushed for daughter to try it on while she was there but she refused, was told it fit perfectly.

Dress returned today and is very damaged.
Zip tape is ripped, Inside lining is ripped and main body is very stretched and warped. Several areas of beading damaged and quite a lot of beads missing. No mention of this when dropped off.

DSD reckons is not repairable / not worth repairing because of the amount of different areas of damage. Previous plan was that DSD would also lend a prom dress.
DSD is very kind and anxious, she is not likely to kick up a fuss or demand anything but is upset. I feel responsible as the initial conversation came through me.

What’s reasonable in this situation? It’s not unreasonable to refuse lending of prom dress and also request at least the price DSD paid for the dress, is it? (Though she wouldn’t be able to get the same dress at that price again)
I know this would be a lot of money for friend

Yes, I’m trying to figure out how much of the responsibility is actually on friend rather than her daughter who doesn’t work.

friend was the one who dropped the dress off and ran and she was obviously at the party so I was assuming she knows but you’re right it is possible that she doesn’t actually know the extent of the damage.

I feel harsh agreeing with this because I know who seems the nicer person in it all, but I think the horse has bolted a bit - especially if she said nothing when she first got it back?

Fits beautifully!

This

Obviously it’s ‘on the OP’ in the respect that they can’t enforce compensation but to suggest it’s not reasonable to expect someone to take care of an item you lent them is ridiculous. Op is not saying ‘was I sensible in lending this item?’ (Obviously not) She’s asking about how to proceed and the answer is that it’s totally reasonable ro ask for some level of compensation. Whether they stump up is another matter.

I think the first step would be a message along the lines of how upset DSD is about the damage to the dress and is your friend aware of it. See what her response is. If she is horrified and apologetic then good but explain that because of that DSD is no longer ok with loaning a prom dress. If she is snippy, denies everything and gets defensive then sod her, wait for her to ask for the prom dress and say no then. Lets she how she likes handling her own DD's disappointment.

sounds like it was one of those Clio Peppiatt dresses? If so repairs would be uneconomical and nigh on impossible. You could ask for contributions for a replacement, but depending on the brass neck of the people involved they might be quite happy to refuse and there's not much you can do. Or this girls mother might have no idea the state it was retuned in and be horribly embarrassed and eager to make things right?

I’m thinking how I would feel if DD did this when someone had kindly lent her such a beautiful item. I’d be really cross with her and some form of consequence would have to happen. I’d also fully repay your DSD. But you say your friend’s financial position is less than healthy.
Could she get her DD to come over with a bottle of wine (some sort of gesture anyway) and an in-person, sincere apology? I hope they suggest this themselves.

I’d feel terrible if I were you, OP. And I’d never lend your friend or her DD anything again. From the way you e described it, it sounds like haute couture! Is it the real thing? How much is it worth?

I think you need to pay back DSD - you shouldn’t have put her in a position of having her have to say no to your friend or risk the dress, especially if you know she likes to keep the peace.

After that it’s up to you, your friend and her daughter to negotiate who’s paying what.

You need to ring your friend and spell out that the dress is fucked, and what is she going to do to make it right as it cost X amount

Yes - this. Pretend you believe friend didn’t know and wouldn’t stoop so low

This. I wouldn't lend anything expensive and beautiful to a 16 year old who was going to a party. That's never going to end well.

Your friend should pay for the ruined dress and your SD should not be out any money or loan any more dresses. If your friend gets mad, you know she's not a friend.

Surely she would have known when she took the dress to get cleaned?

This is sort of true BUT the DSD sounds very sweet.

Absolutely this, pictures of the damaged dress, asking if they were aware of the state it was returned in. Nothing gets lent to this family again unless they offer to recompense for the damage.

There was a thread the other day where someone’s daughter spilt water on a mac at another house and the repair bill was £200.
The owner of the Mac called the mum ans asked for £200 to get it repaired and everyone on that thread agreed it should be paid and then the 17 yo should gradually pay it back to her mum so she learned a lesson.
I thought that was a little harsh as it was a pure accident but fair enough.
This instance shows a total disrespect for a beautiful dress and the girl and her mum should be told about the extent of the damage and given opportunity to make amends.

I’d tell your friend ‘you may not have known but that dress was really damaged, dsd is really disappointed, she can’t afford to just replace it. you will have to let <your daughter> know that dsd is absolutely not going to lend anything for prom now.

She’s a careless person at a young age and I hope your dsd doesn’t lend her a prom dress. You can’t act like that in life.

Its a given if you borrow something you take care of it and return it in the same condition it was lent.

The DSD is very sweet. The 16 year old who borrowed and wrecked the dress is an arse

I’d send a message to a daughter/mum group chat with photos of the damage and say something like, ‘Hi Brenda and Agatha, the dress has been returned quite badly damaged as you can see in the photos. Do you want to get the repairs done by a tailor or do you want us to get a quote and you can send us the money so we can get it done ourselves?’

Lesson learned on the first dress

A firm no to any further loans.

I think at best the girl can borrow the same dress. She's already wrecked it so it's not going to matter.

Any other comments just say "DSS had decided to stop lending stuff out, because of damage and clearing costs"

But lesson learned don't be putting DSD in the horrible situation of your friends kids borrowing her stuff.
She sounds incredibly kind, but probably wanted to say No but didn't feel able to for family harmony.

I think there is probably a lesson learnt situation for you and your SD. Between you shouldn’t have lent something that could be damaged to a 16 yo. Your SD might need to learn to be less of a people pleaser really. Secondly think it was you who put her in that position and that wasn’t really very fair to expect her to do a favour for your friend’s daughter who is a bit removed from her.

But, I also think your friend should be told of the damaged and asked to pay for repairs but I think it’s a tough one as 16 year olds at a party aren’t known for being their most careful and considerate so there was always a risk.

Explain that the dress was damaged & so as a result you'll no longer be loaning any more clothes. See what she does. She might offer to pay for the damaged dress.