Friends daughter(16) ruined designer dress

[kidditsonyou]

DSD (22) works around fashion so has a lot of clothes and often gets designer items at good price.

Friend asked if her daughter could borrow a dress for her 16th birthday. I asked DSD who agreed, she often lends clothes to friends and family. Dress chose and borrowed was very expensive and covered in intricate beading, DSD got it heavily reduced but still cost several hundred. DSD says she heavily pushed for daughter to try it on while she was there but she refused, was told it fit perfectly.

Dress returned today and is very damaged.
Zip tape is ripped, Inside lining is ripped and main body is very stretched and warped. Several areas of beading damaged and quite a lot of beads missing. No mention of this when dropped off.

DSD reckons is not repairable / not worth repairing because of the amount of different areas of damage. Previous plan was that DSD would also lend a prom dress.
DSD is very kind and anxious, she is not likely to kick up a fuss or demand anything but is upset. I feel responsible as the initial conversation came through me.

What’s reasonable in this situation? It’s not unreasonable to refuse lending of prom dress and also request at least the price DSD paid for the dress, is it? (Though she wouldn’t be able to get the same dress at that price again)
I know this would be a lot of money for friend

I would be livid. And to top it all off, not saying a word about the damage when dropping back. You need to talk to the mom not the minor. Get compensation and DO NOT LEND TO THEM AGAIN.

Would the dress have most likely fit the friend's DD? Do you think your friend might have worn it somewhere or tried it on and got stuck?

I once bought some designer shoes and one night out saw a huge amount of beading disappear. Beading on dresses has a habit of falling off too. I'd ask your friend what on earth happened to the dress! There's a huge difference from someone spilling a drink or something and this amount of damage.

I can't believe your friend felt it was okay to hand it back totally ruined without explanation.

At least 30 yrs ago, by my recollection. (For Scotland, anyway.)

Your poor DSD- this makes me so cross on her behalf!

The 16 year old is old enough to know you're supposed to respect other people's things, especially something special like a designer dress. At that age I'd have been horrified to have caused that damage and desperate to apologize and offer repair costs.

The 16 year old's mother is most at blame though- she has raised a spoiled little madam and has no intention of teaching her how to behave like a decent human being. A good mother would have made their child apologize and learn their lesson here, not just drop off something damaged and hope you don't notice!

DO NOT lend these people anything else. You need to help your DSD learn that she has a right to be angry and set boundaries accordingly, not get walked all over by these CFs by continuing to lend them things.

Hope friend offers to pay otherwise I'd be looking at small claims court

Your DSD sounds lovely. I'd message your friend and just ask if she knows how the dress got so badly damaged as unfortunately it's now no longer wearable. See how she responds. However she responds I'd be saying we've decided it's not a good idea to lend out dresses in future so her daughter will need to find her own prom dress elsewhere.

How stupid lending a highly beaded and intricate dress to a 16 yo on a night out, good heavens! And double no to lending her a prom dress still. DSD sounds v kind but needs to start being less of a pushover. The beaded dress should not have been handed over, unless friend’s dd tried it on first, at the very least; as this girl could’ve been 2 sizes too big for the dress anyway, and she’s squeezed herself in and mis-shapened it maybe. You both need to take this as a lesson, you stop interfering and telling your mates about DSDs ‘cheap’ designer dresses, and DSD to not lend to any random teenage friend of her step mums. Do not pursue money as it doesn’t seem like there was any boundaries in place, in the first instance, to protest DSD against damage to the dress, take it as a hard lesson OP.

Definitely no to lending out the prom dress. The other mum should have had the decency to check the dress and had it dry cleaned as standard anyway. I doubt they can afford to replace it but they should be made aware of how inconsiderate that was.
I'd have been mortified either as the 16 year old or her mum.

How on earth can they take the friend to small claims court?

It would literally be the DSDs word against the friends.
How do you prove the dress wasn't damaged before it was lent out?
How do you prove it wasn't damaged after it was returned?

Aww your poor DSD. I feel for her and you, and feel your loyalties lie completely with her. I think dress was either returned with your friend not knowing about the damage or that she was pulling a fast one here. Either way, I would let her know it was damaged straight away, so she can offer to pay for this (that was surely the risk they ran when borrowing someone else's property?). I would have expected to pay for it myself if i had done this, or on behalf of my 16 year old daughter if she had no income). Would she expect nothing to be said if she returned a dress to a shop?? I also suspect your said friend might also react badly and fall out with you when she is told about this, but I wouldn't give a hoot about that if this is the case, as this proves she is no real friend and WAS taking the proverbial here. It will also naturally remove the need to say her DD is not going to be borrowing a dress for her prom from your DSD. In the event of your friend apologising and paying for the damage, and DSD goee's ahead with lending her a prom dress, then she should draw up a contract that damage must be paid for. Personally I would think this is the last you will hear from her and good riddance! Expensive mistake learned here. Let us know please, and good luck

I wondered this too.

Agree with this

There is a clearly a lack care for belongings here and obviously doesn’t value things.
If your friend and her daughter had rented or bought a dress from a shop, they would be expected to return it in the same condition in which they rented/purchased.

The fact they didn’t even mention the damage caused to the dress on return, apologise or even offer to pay shows they do not deserve the kindness of you and your DSD.
I would have a quiet word with your friend whom may not realise the extent of the damage.

DSD at minimum should be reimbursed for what she paid for the dress so she isn’t out of pocket and no way should she ever allow that person to borrow a dress again. If your friend doesn’t pay, then you should. I would be really upset as there is no way she can replace that dress now even if the money she paid for it is reimbursed. Bad move OP. Stay away in future and don’t ask.

It's a lesson learned to both you and DSD, you both sound very lovely btw.

I never lend anything without the knowledge that something could happen to the item.
My best friend borrowed my camera, took it to a club and lost it.
Was I pissed off, yes because I didn't know she was going clubbing but it was an accident. I know she didn't leave it on purpose and felt like shit about it and so she paid me some money which I of course accepted.

Clothes though, you could get caught/snagged on something, spillage, beading definitely coming off (if two people are wearing beads and embrace the beads can entwine and oh look... We're stuck hahahaha).

I'm saying accidents happen and should really be expected even if the dress does cost hundreds of pounds.
That was your learning curve here.
Your DSD sounds like you might need to explain that she doesn't have to lend her stuff out and if she does choose to lend in the future, then maybe you should choose together.

Have you spoken to friend yet?
If I was her I'd offer to pay something towards the damage.

Phase2. SD did ask the other girl to try on the dress whilst there, to make sure it fitted. 16 year old refused, claiming it would fit perfectly (though I wonder how she'd know this, since she didn't try it on.) I think the 16yr old's mum should offer to reimburse her friend's SD, if she wants to remain friends with OP. She should also have a talk with her daughter about what she should do next time she asks to borrow a dress I.e. try it on before taking it home. Friend's daughter should also apologise for damaging the dress, and should offer to pay her mother for it, even if it cones out of her pocket money, or she has to get a job.

There's a lot of posts saying the DSD should have been firmer, but at 22 she is probably less experienced in CF mentality.
And the OP's friend did employ that. The thin end of the CF wedge technique. or the Give a CF an inch and they'll take a mile strategy.
They asked a favour - borrow an prom dress the DSD had lent out before and was never going to wear again - something she agreed to, to oblige OP.
Then the CF Friend, having to the DSD to agree to lending in principle, pushed to borrow something else on top. Its definitely more difficult to say no when someone has already pushed through the first barrier. So DSD agreed OK,
But when the CF friend and daughter turned up, the two of them were clearly told by DSD what she was willing to lend, and her conditions, try it on to make sure it fits etc.

"DSD says she did make it clear how high value the dress was and push for her to try it on but she wouldn’t have been forceful."

I think with the two of them standing there laying down their own law of what they would and wouldn't do, it would have been difficult for a 22 year old to say "No get out" because she didn't want to be rude to OP's friend.. and it was hard to say she wouldn't lend, when she'd already agreed in principle to lend. I think it would have taken a more forceful, confident and experienced person to tell them they couldn't do that, when they were standing there holding the dress.

They were disgraceful really. Both of them and both are culpable.
Even if OP doesn't get the money back. She should get a written quote for the repair and send it to them so they know the cost of their damage and read the riot act to them for taking such mean advantage of the DSD.

Make them aware and that you won't be lending again. They'll only ruin another. Kids need to learn that that's not acceptable.

Sure.

I would apologise to DSD and pay her the money to cover costs as you said you asked in the first place. Then I would end the so called friendship with the cheeky fuckers. Disgusting treatment of a kind person.

Wow.

She had the cheek to bring it back damaged. I love my clothes and, like your daughter, I source the items carefully.

This woman and her daughter have zero respect for either you or your daughter. Ask for the money for the dress. How would she feel if she had bought that dress and her daughter ruined her hard-earned cash? Some people! I am shocked you still consider her a friend.

I bet she won't ask for a prom dress now, or if she has the pure, utter cheek to, then laugh and say, "Are you serious, love? Wow."

Did you speak to said friend? If so what was her response?

How dreadful.
The person who borrowed the dress should pay, and definitly NEVER have another dress.
Your poor DSD must be terribly upset.
Your so called friend should be mortified.

Sorry yes I went round yesterday afternoon. Angry, defensive and denied damage or responsibility. the dd was shouting and in tears and friend was annoyed and said she would max give me £50…

Sadly predictable. "That dress burst at the seams by itself..."

I'm assuming that they're looking elsewhere for a prom dress.