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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends daughter(16) ruined designer dress

403 replies

kidditsonyou · 03/04/2025 21:19

DSD (22) works around fashion so has a lot of clothes and often gets designer items at good price.

Friend asked if her daughter could borrow a dress for her 16th birthday. I asked DSD who agreed, she often lends clothes to friends and family. Dress chose and borrowed was very expensive and covered in intricate beading, DSD got it heavily reduced but still cost several hundred. DSD says she heavily pushed for daughter to try it on while she was there but she refused, was told it fit perfectly.

Dress returned today and is very damaged.
Zip tape is ripped, Inside lining is ripped and main body is very stretched and warped. Several areas of beading damaged and quite a lot of beads missing. No mention of this when dropped off.

DSD reckons is not repairable / not worth repairing because of the amount of different areas of damage. Previous plan was that DSD would also lend a prom dress.
DSD is very kind and anxious, she is not likely to kick up a fuss or demand anything but is upset. I feel responsible as the initial conversation came through me.

What’s reasonable in this situation? It’s not unreasonable to refuse lending of prom dress and also request at least the price DSD paid for the dress, is it? (Though she wouldn’t be able to get the same dress at that price again)
I know this would be a lot of money for friend

OP posts:
GrizeldaMcBain · 03/04/2025 21:21

Definitely say no to lending another dress and explain exactly why. As for asking her to pay for the ruined dress, I’m not sure. If I were her I’d offer when I knew it was ruined. If you have to ask it may damage your friendship.

WindyRoses · 03/04/2025 21:22

Absolutely not unreasonable, but also if "friend" was really your friend, she should have offered that immediately upon returning the dress, along with copious apologies from the 16 year old in person!

as for whether of not your friend can afford the price for the ruined dress, tell her 16 year old to go get a job and pay her mother back!

if I was the mother I would be mortified at having to return a damaged item, that I, or someone I'd asked on behalf of, to borrow had ruined. Stick up for your DSD, and ask friend to repay her the cost of the dress

Blackcountrychik83 · 03/04/2025 21:23

How do people not feel guilty when handing over an obviously damaged dress . I would be questioning this friends morals if I was you coz she’s bang out of order for not even discussing this with you .

I couldn’t stay friends and the offer of a prom dress would be taken back without a doubt .

TinySaltLick · 03/04/2025 21:24

It depends what was said when lending. Defo no more lending, but a bit difficult to know if reasonable to demand the money for it without knowing the terms under which it was leant

Kissedbyfire1 · 03/04/2025 21:24

Definite no to the prom dress and explain why. Ask an open question about what friend’s daughter plans to do about the damaged dress.

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 03/04/2025 21:24

Absolutely no to the prom dress and tell them exactly why.
There is no way they didn't know the extent of that damage so very rude and disrespectful to not say a word about it when the dress was returned. On that basis I wouldn't give a shit if it was a lot of money and would definitely request the amount your DSD paid for the dress at the very least.

PinkFrogss · 03/04/2025 21:25

I would act dumb and tell friend in a way that’s assuming she doesn’t know, and you believe if she did know she never would have let her daughter return the dress without saying anything, or doing anything about the damages.

Phase2 · 03/04/2025 21:25

Actually I think this was on you and your daughter - if you are going to lend stuff worth 100s you need to ensure it fits and set some rules around this or just don’t lend them.

soupyspoon · 03/04/2025 21:25

Did the friend actually see the dress or did the daughter wrap it up and just ask her mum to drop it off?

I would take a picture of the damage and send to the friend and say 'have you seen this?

Bumdrops · 03/04/2025 21:25

Wow what a piss taker !!
”sorry, but no, DSD was quite upset at the state the dress came back in, and won’t be lending dresses out in future, she doesn’t get them for free you know “ … you cheeky fucker !

Blackcountrychik83 · 03/04/2025 21:27

TinySaltLick · 03/04/2025 21:24

It depends what was said when lending. Defo no more lending, but a bit difficult to know if reasonable to demand the money for it without knowing the terms under which it was leant

I’m sure the so called terms were not for her to damage it and not pay to get it fixed or to replace it . 🙄

Sminty2 · 03/04/2025 21:27

I’m really sorry that such a kind girl has ended up with a ruined frock.

Take photos of the damage but just tell them that unfortunately, you won’t be able to lend the prom frock now.

Sorry to say that if they were true friends, they would have been mortified and offered to pay for repairs.

thistimelastweek · 03/04/2025 21:27

Phase2 · 03/04/2025 21:25

Actually I think this was on you and your daughter - if you are going to lend stuff worth 100s you need to ensure it fits and set some rules around this or just don’t lend them.

Yes indeedy.
Absolutely the fault of the person who did a nice thing..

Original poster
kidditsonyou · 03/04/2025 21:29

TinySaltLick · 03/04/2025 21:24

It depends what was said when lending. Defo no more lending, but a bit difficult to know if reasonable to demand the money for it without knowing the terms under which it was leant

I mean it was obviously lent on the assumption it would be returned as it was lent not that daughter could damage it as much as she liked and DSD wouldn’t mind.

OP posts:
soupyspoon · 03/04/2025 21:29

TinySaltLick · 03/04/2025 21:24

It depends what was said when lending. Defo no more lending, but a bit difficult to know if reasonable to demand the money for it without knowing the terms under which it was leant

well what terms do you think would be implicitly in place

'oh dont worry you can stain and rip it, its fine'

Its a basic isnt it that if someone is kind enough to lend you their property, you dont fuck it up.

Laura95167 · 03/04/2025 21:30

I think its terrible your friend returned it with obvious damage and said nothing. How disrespectful.

I would ask for the money DSD spent on it.

I wouldn't even consider loaning anything else until she's made repayment. Tbh even then as they are limited pieces I probably still wouldn't, if DSD was feeling generous maybe she could let friends daughter use her discount to buy one.

Icanttakethisanymore · 03/04/2025 21:30

Phase2 · 03/04/2025 21:25

Actually I think this was on you and your daughter - if you are going to lend stuff worth 100s you need to ensure it fits and set some rules around this or just don’t lend them.

What about expecting people to be decent human beings and offer to fix things they broke when someone has been kind enough to lend them sonething? Is this how you treat friends?

SummaLuvin · 03/04/2025 21:30

Obviously the people who borrowed are in the wrong, and they clearly can't be trusted with borrowing another item. Let them know that the reason why your DSD doesn't want to lend again is due to the state the dress was returned in. I would take pictures of the damage in case they question it further.

I guess it's also a bit of a lesson, DSD should probably insist on things being tried on in front of her to check the fit, and not lending without that happening. Even so, I wouldn't assume 16yo who I don't know well would be the most responsible borrower.

CaptainFuture · 03/04/2025 21:31

Kissedbyfire1 · 03/04/2025 21:24

Definite no to the prom dress and explain why. Ask an open question about what friend’s daughter plans to do about the damaged dress.

This absolutely!

Phase2 · 03/04/2025 21:31

Lending something which is very easy to damage (loads of intricate beading) and may not fit - doesn’t matter how nice you are, you’re risking it being damaged. Say no, set better boundaries, or allocate some of this extensive wardrobe to being available to borrow.

MeganM3 · 03/04/2025 21:31

Oh that is upsetting. How nice of DSD to lend out her things as well. I suppose it’s a bit of a life lesson.

Some of the money should be asked for.
If it was several hundred and you know that would make life very hard for your friend and DC, at least ask for a contribution that is manageable for her. You don’t want to see them go without necessities for a dress, but at the same time it is the principle and DSD deserves some compensation here.

Alternatively, if this is a very close friend who has generally been good to you over the years, and you are in a good financial position could you cover this? If would avoid a fall out with friend and mean that DSD gets some of her money back.

Strangecat · 03/04/2025 21:32

I would refuse to lend a prom dress and actually ask for contribution towards repairs/cost of the ruined dress.
People have no shame!!! She should have offered something towards the dress or dry cleaned it/repaired before returning it!

Calliopespa · 03/04/2025 21:32

TinySaltLick · 03/04/2025 21:24

It depends what was said when lending. Defo no more lending, but a bit difficult to know if reasonable to demand the money for it without knowing the terms under which it was leant

This is how I feel. Don’t make the same mistake again, but it seems the first occasion was a mistake in hindsight. Depending on what was said it can be hard to impose conditions after the fact. They sound awful though.

I’m kind of intrigued to know if they took any photos. She must have looked a sight stretching her dress all evening! 🤣

Phase2 · 03/04/2025 21:32

@Icanttakethisanymore if they had several hundred to pay a repair they probably wouldn’t have needed to borrow it. No point in taking that risk. I wouldn’t trust a 16 year old to be particularly careful with a very expensive and delicate dress.

Icanttakethisanymore · 03/04/2025 21:33

kidditsonyou · 03/04/2025 21:29

I mean it was obviously lent on the assumption it would be returned as it was lent not that daughter could damage it as much as she liked and DSD wouldn’t mind.

Show quote history

No reasonable person would need to clarify this.

Oh! You didn’t want me to destroy the item you lent me!! You should have said!! (Said no reasonable person ever)