Friends daughter(16) ruined designer dress

[kidditsonyou]

DSD (22) works around fashion so has a lot of clothes and often gets designer items at good price.

Friend asked if her daughter could borrow a dress for her 16th birthday. I asked DSD who agreed, she often lends clothes to friends and family. Dress chose and borrowed was very expensive and covered in intricate beading, DSD got it heavily reduced but still cost several hundred. DSD says she heavily pushed for daughter to try it on while she was there but she refused, was told it fit perfectly.

Dress returned today and is very damaged.
Zip tape is ripped, Inside lining is ripped and main body is very stretched and warped. Several areas of beading damaged and quite a lot of beads missing. No mention of this when dropped off.

DSD reckons is not repairable / not worth repairing because of the amount of different areas of damage. Previous plan was that DSD would also lend a prom dress.
DSD is very kind and anxious, she is not likely to kick up a fuss or demand anything but is upset. I feel responsible as the initial conversation came through me.

What’s reasonable in this situation? It’s not unreasonable to refuse lending of prom dress and also request at least the price DSD paid for the dress, is it? (Though she wouldn’t be able to get the same dress at that price again)
I know this would be a lot of money for friend

How this is in any way the fault of the OP or her daughter is beyond me. They didn't even offer the loan, it was asked for. Yes the dress needs paying for, yes with an apology and no to any more loads to that family. Its looks as though you may lose a friend over it but what kind of friend does this or allows her daughter to do so?

Whilst I do agree with this. Based on experiences with my own dresses, especially something with lots of beading, it’s so easy to have something get caught or pull, have it trail on the floor if long, spill a bit of drink/a smudge of make up etc, have the zip get stuck. Therefore this shouldn’t have been leant out.
The 16 year old should have owned up but I think some posters are being over harsh on her.

There is no way I would allow my dsd to lend this girl another dress, and I’d tell my friend that too. Tell dsd that you are doing this other girl a huge favour as the earlier you learn that actions have consequences the less likely it is that you blow up your entire life.

Well at least they know not to loan any other items to this person

Absolutely send pictures of the ruined dress and ask them what the plan is to fix the damage.

Also, no more lending clothes. This is your friend and your dsd sounds like she has no boudaries.

She should not be put in this position again by you.

I think we can be pretty sure that it was only asked for because the OP has been telling people that her step daughter gets designer clothes cheaper and her friends all borrow them. Most people don’t ask their friend if their child can borrow from said friend’s step children unless it’s been prompted. I’d suspect the OP even suggested loaning a dress for prom.

This is what you should do. 👍

What’s reasonable in this situation?

I think the friend or her daughter needs to have the dress repaired or replace it. That’s just basic decency. And no way would I put DSD in the position of lending her anything else again. If you’re the person who arranged the loan, be the person to retract the offer - don’t put the poor girl in the same position again. Never a good deed and all that….

Yes it's very easy for delicate dresses to get damaged.

I don't think the DSD should have been put in the position of having to say No, esp to a friend of Stepmums daughter.
Lots of people struggle to say No

It was a mistake to lend it out to such a young girl.

How did she manage to do so much damage within one event. For the value of the dress I can't see how repair wouldn't be worth it, a seamstress can repair the zip and the lining without a major issue. I can't imagine a quality fabric stretching without being able to go back to its shape so that should resolve so just the missing sequins or beads that I'm guessing as it's an expensive dress are hand sewn. Personally I would repair those myself taking from less obvious places if it's a whole dress coverage.

Worth an attempt yo repair but certainly would not lend again and would be honest about why. I wouldn't lend anything to anyone that is loved and valued by me.

I would message the mum and ask if she would like to pay in instalments or all at once and give her your bank details.

Don’t mention the prom dress unless asked.

Lesson for poor dsd.

OP, you did the brokering of the loan and I think you have to broker the reparation.

Take the dress to your friend, let her see the damage and tell her that somehow she and her Dd need to pay your DSD.

Your DSD should not be left tbd victim in this.

Your DSD choosing to lend HER friends dresses is quite different to being asked to be a free dress loan service to your friend’s Dd.

In your shoes I wouldn’t have asked her, I would have told friend “I don’t really feel comfortable asking her to lend her expensive dresses”

If the friend doesn’t/ can’t stump up I think you should.

Oh dear, so many mistakes in there.
DSS sorry DSD,
Clearing? Cleaning as in Dry Cleaning.

@Christwosheds answered my niggle. Why would she not try on ? Normally, first reaction is to see if it fits and it suits you.

I think it probably was for someone else.
But another example of a selfish greedy grasping "friend". They are amongst us.
I'll not offer any advice. I don't think I'm in the position to, tbh. I do like the idea of sending photos and saying, I'm guessing you didn't see the state of this. And carry on from there.
Best of luck.

I think it’s pretty crap but now it’s an easy call for future - definitely don’t lend them anything else and think carefully before lending anyone something you really love. I wouldn’t be able to stop myself saying something but depends on if you’re willing to give up on this friendship - she sounds like a terrible friend but of course I don’t know the back story. I’d have a hard time respecting anyone who did this to me. I can absolutely imagine my daughter making a massive mistake but I’d be so apologetic and mortified and would absolutely have made her apologise and come up with a plan to repay you.

If you want to stay friends with her, then ‘Hi DF, DSD has decided she’s not really comfortable lending out any more of her clothes and I obviously can’t force her, so I’m afraid Amy’s going to have to come up with a Plan B for her prom, sorry!’

I think something like this might be better though;
‘Hi DF, DSD has just shown me the dress that Amy borrowed. I’m guessing she didn’t show you the damage before she gave it to you to drop off? Kids, eh?! DSD has checked and the cost of repairing it would be more than the £0000 the dress is worth, because it has to go back to their seamstress, so I’m just checking whether you have household insurance that would cover it? Obviously, in the circumstances, she’s not keen on lending out another dress for Amy’s prom so she’ll need to come up with a Plan B for that.’

Realistically, I think your friendship is going to be damaged beyond repair by this. She’s going to get defensive, because there’s no way she didn’t know about the damage and because that’s what people do, and is going to say that it’s insane that someone would pay £0000 for a dress. Or she’ll ask why you’re expecting her to pay that to replace it when your DSD only paid £000 for it, ignoring the fact that she wouldn’t get it at that price a second time. And you’ll respond that what is insane is that Amy would believe she’s two sizes smaller than she actually is and that she should have gone to New Look if she couldn’t afford to replace designer clothes, (even if you only think it in your head) and that will be that. You’ll never forgive her for not being sorry for damaging it and she’ll never forgive you for expecting her to be sorry.

I agree with this. Neither a lender nor a borrower be… It’s quite naive to lend an expensive beaded dress to a 16 year old and expect them to keep it pristine.

Of course they’re arseholes for returning it damaged but come on! They didn’t need a designer dress. I bet all her mates wore cheapo Boohoo. Your mistake was pimping out your DSD’s fashion connection when you could have reasonably anticipated that a 16 year old kid is not going to value or care about that dress.

I think you need to give the money or get the dress repaired for DSD

then it is up to you if you want to try and get your friend to pay it back to you

"Neither a borrower or a lender be" springs to my mind.
Extremely cheeky to ask to borrow the dress in the first place and rather silly to actually pander to your friend and lend an expensive dress to her daughter anyway.
Bur yes the friend should be reimbursing the cost of the damaged item.
The 16 year old obviously has no respect for other people and doesn't know the value of things.

I think this is a fair thing to do.

Any reasonable person would profusely apologise and consider what could be done.

The thing is, people who wreck other people's stuff are generally complete dickheads who aren't worth being friends with. DD lent an item of clothing to someone who was very careless with it and treated it like a piece of crap - and the friendship dropped off after that. It wasn't particularly expensive, it was the principle of damaging it, not giving a fuck and keeping it for herself for ages having been asked to return it.

Friend should offer to pay for the damage. I suspect she won’t, though.
id tell her I was really upset and that sd is too, I’d tell her how much sd loved the dress and how much it cost and that it’s completely ruined and unwearable.
would no way lend her a prom dress.

I was wondering this @kidditsonyou - are you sure your friend saw the dress before and after? She could be unaware of the damage or think it was damaged already.

what sort of parties does a 16 year old wear couture to?
i think they should contribute for sure, and no more lending!
it can cost a lot of money to even rent a couture dress so lending is a huge favour, maybe she should charge if she keeps doing it

Should have made trying it on a requirement for borrowing it. Don't lend them anything ever again.