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Original poster

Friends daughter(16) ruined designer dress

403 replies

kidditsonyou · 03/04/2025 21:19

DSD (22) works around fashion so has a lot of clothes and often gets designer items at good price.

Friend asked if her daughter could borrow a dress for her 16th birthday. I asked DSD who agreed, she often lends clothes to friends and family. Dress chose and borrowed was very expensive and covered in intricate beading, DSD got it heavily reduced but still cost several hundred. DSD says she heavily pushed for daughter to try it on while she was there but she refused, was told it fit perfectly.

Dress returned today and is very damaged.
Zip tape is ripped, Inside lining is ripped and main body is very stretched and warped. Several areas of beading damaged and quite a lot of beads missing. No mention of this when dropped off.

DSD reckons is not repairable / not worth repairing because of the amount of different areas of damage. Previous plan was that DSD would also lend a prom dress.
DSD is very kind and anxious, she is not likely to kick up a fuss or demand anything but is upset. I feel responsible as the initial conversation came through me.

What’s reasonable in this situation? It’s not unreasonable to refuse lending of prom dress and also request at least the price DSD paid for the dress, is it? (Though she wouldn’t be able to get the same dress at that price again)
I know this would be a lot of money for friend

OP posts:
needmoresheep · 03/04/2025 23:00

It’s okay for DSD to lend to her own friends but @kidditsonyou has created a difficult situation by brokering loans to Op’s friends.

Think op needs to cease being a lending agent.

WearyAuldWumman · 03/04/2025 23:00

You're not being unreasonable.

I'd never lend a good dress to someone after hearing about my mum's experience. She was guilted into loaning her wedding dress to her SIL to be.

It was returned with sweat stains in the armpits and a cigarette burn in the veil. Years later, when I was a teen, the SIL/my aunt borrowed the headdress and veil "for a relative in the armed forces". They were never returned.

Plantmother71 · 03/04/2025 23:02

Therealjudgejudy · 03/04/2025 22:21

Absolutely send pictures of the ruined dress and ask them what the plan is to fix the damage.

Also, no more lending clothes. This is your friend and your dsd sounds like she has no boudaries.

She should not be put in this position again by you.

This, and also, if it’s stretched that badly out of shape then she’s not the same size as your DSD and the prom dress wouldn’t fit anyway. Might seem like a bitchy comment to make but it’s just factual.

Your poor SD. I really feel for her - I hope she maybe manages to recover some contribution. I bet your friend doesn’t even know (though why she didn’t offer to have it cleaned is beyond me).

Mumtobabyhavoc · 03/04/2025 23:02

If dress cannot be repaired it isn't unreasonable to expect payment for dress at price paid.

researchers3 · 03/04/2025 23:05

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 03/04/2025 21:24

Absolutely no to the prom dress and tell them exactly why.
There is no way they didn't know the extent of that damage so very rude and disrespectful to not say a word about it when the dress was returned. On that basis I wouldn't give a shit if it was a lot of money and would definitely request the amount your DSD paid for the dress at the very least.

This. ^

TerrificallyTired · 03/04/2025 23:05

Your ‘friend’ needs to pay either how much your DSD paid for the dress (not that it’s replaceable, but at least to acknowledge that) or for all the repairs to be done. It is implicit in borrowing an item that you look after it- why else would anyone ever loan something out?

also clearly NO to lending more items. Your friend should be ashamed. Be calm but confident and assertive in your message tomorrow. What a CF.

godmum56 · 03/04/2025 23:07

Thebloodynine · 03/04/2025 22:23

I think we can be pretty sure that it was only asked for because the OP has been telling people that her step daughter gets designer clothes cheaper and her friends all borrow them. Most people don’t ask their friend if their child can borrow from said friend’s step children unless it’s been prompted. I’d suspect the OP even suggested loaning a dress for prom.

Show quote history

what do you base that on?

queenofthesuburbs · 03/04/2025 23:08

This is a bit like "Mrs Harris goes to Paris!"

Calliopespa · 03/04/2025 23:09

WearyAuldWumman · 03/04/2025 23:00

You're not being unreasonable.

I'd never lend a good dress to someone after hearing about my mum's experience. She was guilted into loaning her wedding dress to her SIL to be.

It was returned with sweat stains in the armpits and a cigarette burn in the veil. Years later, when I was a teen, the SIL/my aunt borrowed the headdress and veil "for a relative in the armed forces". They were never returned.

Oh that’s heart-breaking.

TonTonMacoute · 03/04/2025 23:12

kidditsonyou · 03/04/2025 21:59

Thankyou. I will send a calm message in the morning with photos of damage and see what the response is.

This is the best first move.

Your DSD has learned a lesson the hard way, I'm afraid, but this is how we toughen up and develop the strength to be a bit more assertive in future.

chattyness · 03/04/2025 23:14

I wouldn't do this by messages or phone calls I'd go in person, dress in hand, calm friendly manner state the facts & show them the damage, remind them of your DSD's kindness & the cost of the dress which is now beyond repair. Don't tell them your going round, just show up.

CheeseyOnionPie · 03/04/2025 23:15

Phase2 · 03/04/2025 21:25

Actually I think this was on you and your daughter - if you are going to lend stuff worth 100s you need to ensure it fits and set some rules around this or just don’t lend them.

Erm actually it’s down to the borrower of the item to treat it with care and respect.

Christmasbear1 · 03/04/2025 23:16

I'm quite confused. Why would your daughter pay for the dress?

Catsandcannedbeans · 03/04/2025 23:17

It was drilled into me from a young age: don’t borrow what you can’t pay back, and definitely don’t lend it if you can’t afford to lose it. I don’t think you should lend anything you aren’t willing to lose. I know a lot of people won’t agree and that’s fine, but she shouldn’t be lending these items again. With the exception of ones she’s maybe not that bothered about.

EilonwyWithRedGoldHair · 03/04/2025 23:18

Screamingabdabz · 03/04/2025 22:44

I agree with this. Neither a lender nor a borrower be… It’s quite naive to lend an expensive beaded dress to a 16 year old and expect them to keep it pristine.

Of course they’re arseholes for returning it damaged but come on! They didn’t need a designer dress. I bet all her mates wore cheapo Boohoo. Your mistake was pimping out your DSD’s fashion connection when you could have reasonably anticipated that a 16 year old kid is not going to value or care about that dress.

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I keep reading this about 16 year olds - when I was 16 I'd have absolutely treated this dress with respect because it wasn't mine and it was expensive. Honestly I probably would have refused it out of fear of damaging it.

Not all 16 year olds have a reckless disregard for other people's belongings.

WearyAuldWumman · 03/04/2025 23:21

Purplecatshopaholic · 03/04/2025 22:01

This. This started between you and your friend. You need to phone and ask what she’s going to do about this. Why was the dress damaged, and returned in such a state, why wasn’t the dress cleaned before returning, etc. Don’t people treat other peoples possessions with respect and care any more? If you damage something you put it right - not fuckin rocket science! The DSD shouldn’t be out of pocket and defo no lending anything else to the ungrateful, disrespectful 16 year old.

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Agreed. It's clear that the friend's daughter squeezed herself into the dress in spite of being too big for it.

WearyAuldWumman · 03/04/2025 23:23

Calliopespa · 03/04/2025 23:09

Oh that’s heart-breaking.

Show quote history

Yes. Mum was really upset.

I'd never have been able to get into the dress - Mum was a petite 5ft4 and I'm 5ft9 - but I'd have worn the headdress and veil to my wedding.

Calliopespa · 03/04/2025 23:25

WearyAuldWumman · 03/04/2025 23:21

Agreed. It's clear that the friend's daughter squeezed herself into the dress in spite of being too big for it.

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It must have looked awful - 50 pounds of mince in a 20 pound bag as they used to say.

Calliopespa · 03/04/2025 23:25

WearyAuldWumman · 03/04/2025 23:23

Yes. Mum was really upset.

I'd never have been able to get into the dress - Mum was a petite 5ft4 and I'm 5ft9 - but I'd have worn the headdress and veil to my wedding.

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It’s so disrespectful.

Trumptonagain · 03/04/2025 23:29

I'd actually message the friend and say Hi, not sure if you realised you returned the wrong dress, this one's damaged.

Calliopespa · 03/04/2025 23:31

Trumptonagain · 03/04/2025 23:29

I'd actually message the friend and say Hi, not sure if you realised you returned the wrong dress, this one's damaged.

That’s just transparently disingenuous tbh

JustSawJohnny · 03/04/2025 23:44

kidditsonyou · 03/04/2025 22:15

I can agree with this point too, I do feel responsible.

DSD has a lot of dresses, lots a lot cheaper, I didn’t expect her to lend this one.
If i was there when the choosing and lending happened I would have heavily discouraged it or at least have forced her to try it on before taking it. DSD says she did make it clear how high value the dress was and push for her to try it on but she wouldn’t have been forceful.

If I left it on DSD now she would still lend the prom dress so I have to step in and stand up for her.

Show quote history

I think you should use this as the main point of your message - that although DD was happy to lend a garment, she wasn't confident enough to rule out high value items and that as this has resulted in a very expensive dress being ruined and your DD being upset that it is best she doesn't lend out her clothes any more.

I'm sure this would open up dialogue and hopefully Dfriend will be forthcoming with some compensation.

If she doesn't come with huge apologies at the very least. I'd be outright asking for some cash.

MsAmerica · 03/04/2025 23:50

kidditsonyou · 03/04/2025 21:19

DSD (22) works around fashion so has a lot of clothes and often gets designer items at good price.

Friend asked if her daughter could borrow a dress for her 16th birthday. I asked DSD who agreed, she often lends clothes to friends and family. Dress chose and borrowed was very expensive and covered in intricate beading, DSD got it heavily reduced but still cost several hundred. DSD says she heavily pushed for daughter to try it on while she was there but she refused, was told it fit perfectly.

Dress returned today and is very damaged.
Zip tape is ripped, Inside lining is ripped and main body is very stretched and warped. Several areas of beading damaged and quite a lot of beads missing. No mention of this when dropped off.

DSD reckons is not repairable / not worth repairing because of the amount of different areas of damage. Previous plan was that DSD would also lend a prom dress.
DSD is very kind and anxious, she is not likely to kick up a fuss or demand anything but is upset. I feel responsible as the initial conversation came through me.

What’s reasonable in this situation? It’s not unreasonable to refuse lending of prom dress and also request at least the price DSD paid for the dress, is it? (Though she wouldn’t be able to get the same dress at that price again)
I know this would be a lot of money for friend

I'd start with a call/note asking the mother, Are you aware of how disastrously the dress was damaged?

Andylion · 03/04/2025 23:54

If I left it on DSD now she would still lend the prom dress so I have to step in and stand up for her.

But would the other dress even fit?

Regardless, no of course she shouldn’t lend another dress to someone who is so irresponsible.

Dutchhouse14 · 04/04/2025 00:06

That's very upsetting, your DD is very kind lending clothes, it's a risky thing to do and I wouldn't encourage it in future other than perhaps to very close trusted bestfriends of your DDs, not friends of friends.
It sounds like the dress was too small for the girl who borrowed and that may be the reason for most of the damage.
Girls that age are very sensitive about their size/weight so might be reason why they weren't comfortable in trying it on in your house first or admitting it was too small .
Also Beaded dresses are very fragile and beads inevitably do fall off but it shouldnt be too many if careful when wearing it.
Which a 16year old is unlikely to be, particularly if drinking!
Trying to be charitable is there a chance your friend may not have seen the condition of the dress if it was folded by her daughter and in a bag?
But personally I would have got it dry cleaned before returning it.
Absolutely tell them your DD is no longer lending dresses due to them being returned damaged.
Asking for money for repair /new dress is tricky, tbh I think you and your friend should sort it out between you to compensate DD.
She really lent the dress as a favour to you for your friend.
So as the 2 mums in this situation I think you need to sort it out between. Realistically the 16year old want be able to pay expensive for repairs or hundreds for a replacement dress, if they could afford this they would have surely bought a dress.
Did they know the dress cost £100s?