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Original poster

Friends daughter(16) ruined designer dress

403 replies

kidditsonyou · 03/04/2025 21:19

DSD (22) works around fashion so has a lot of clothes and often gets designer items at good price.

Friend asked if her daughter could borrow a dress for her 16th birthday. I asked DSD who agreed, she often lends clothes to friends and family. Dress chose and borrowed was very expensive and covered in intricate beading, DSD got it heavily reduced but still cost several hundred. DSD says she heavily pushed for daughter to try it on while she was there but she refused, was told it fit perfectly.

Dress returned today and is very damaged.
Zip tape is ripped, Inside lining is ripped and main body is very stretched and warped. Several areas of beading damaged and quite a lot of beads missing. No mention of this when dropped off.

DSD reckons is not repairable / not worth repairing because of the amount of different areas of damage. Previous plan was that DSD would also lend a prom dress.
DSD is very kind and anxious, she is not likely to kick up a fuss or demand anything but is upset. I feel responsible as the initial conversation came through me.

What’s reasonable in this situation? It’s not unreasonable to refuse lending of prom dress and also request at least the price DSD paid for the dress, is it? (Though she wouldn’t be able to get the same dress at that price again)
I know this would be a lot of money for friend

OP posts:
RickiRaccoon · 04/04/2025 00:12

Lending clothes is risky. I don't do it because we've all had or heard about a bad experience. It's probably a lesson to your daughter not to do it again, certainly not to the dress-destroyer and potentially not to others either.

I'd send the photo to friend saying it had been damaged beyond repair with no explicit request for money and see what she says. Directly chasing her for the money risks the friendship. Chalk it up to a lesson learnt.

mydogfarts · 04/04/2025 00:17

Hard no to lending the prom dress.

And any decent person would have offered to reimburse her for the damaged dress or at least offered whatever they could

Whooowhooohoo · 04/04/2025 00:54

Regarding damaged dress…. Say,

we were expecting dress back in same condition as we loaned it, but it’s got damage. Really unfortunate as it was a very expensive & well made dress, it’s not able to be repaired. (Feel like she will deny damage)

Regarding prom dress, I must recommend you buy one as I don’t have one loan. XYZ shop has good prices right now.

BigHeadBertha · 04/04/2025 01:13

I would just stop this whole thing where it's at right now before it all just gets worse.

First, how do you know for sure that the damage was even the girl's fault, rather than from unnoticed inferior workmanship by the dressmaker in the first place? Often when fashion items are deeply discounted, it's because they are seconds/irregular. If that's the case, they could easily start coming apart when worn.

Second, dresses aren't made of steel. They're fragile. They get ripped, stained, faded and so on. They are items that are expected to get damaged or worn out and need to be replaced. The only question is how long they might last (or not).

The next issue: Sixteen-year-olds are legally children, not mature adults. Also, they're typically not people who have much money. People who can afford to pay for damage on an expensive dress typically buy their own clothes in the first place.

Put the fact that we all know clothes are fragile (especially elaborate ones with lots of beadwork etc), we all know sixteen-year-olds are actually still children, and that we all know people who can afford designer clothes don't typically borrow them. And what do we have? We have the two adults here, you and your DSD, exercising poor judgement.

Was this child's mother even informed about the value of the dress? Did she give permission for her child to borrow something that expensive? Was there any agreement about what would happen if it was damaged? I don't know where you are but here in the US, a sixteen-year-old can't enter into a legal contract. She wouldn't have to pay you for the damage based on her age alone. It would have had to have been agreed to by her mother.

And asking the mother to pay for the dress will likely bring up all these thoughts in her mind too and end a friendship.

Anyway, that's my reasoning. I'd say don't ask for payment and don't do this again. Just learn from it. Good luck to you

Obvnotthegolden · 04/04/2025 01:15

I wouldn't assume 16yo who I don't know well would be the most responsible borrower. @SummaLuvin

Agree.
If Kim Kardashian can ruin Marilyn Monroe dress, how much more damage is a 16 yr old at a party going to do.

It's not op's DSD's fault, but the op and op's friend surely should have had some second thoughts about the idea and how the friend can just hand it back without a qualm I don't know!

TheaBrandt1 · 04/04/2025 01:24

Sorry but I think op bears some of the responsibility here. She must have been spouting off to the friend about these dresses looking to curry favour with the friend by getting one for friends kid and it’s back fired and poor DSD is left bearing the price. How did the friend even know about DSDs access to dresses?

Bigcat25 · 04/04/2025 01:29

Your friend sounds so cowardly by dumping it on you without mentioning the condition. They probably didn't dryclean it either.

Teanbiscuits33 · 04/04/2025 01:58

GrizeldaMcBain · 03/04/2025 21:21

Definitely say no to lending another dress and explain exactly why. As for asking her to pay for the ruined dress, I’m not sure. If I were her I’d offer when I knew it was ruined. If you have to ask it may damage your friendship.

If she is the type of person to refuse to pay for it then our morals don’t align and I wouldn’t care whether it ruined the friendship or not. Her daughter damaged someone else’s property that was kindly lent to her. The only acceptable course of action is to pay for repairs or replacement, even if in instalments.

Juiceinacup · 04/04/2025 02:23

The last person who should be out of pocket for this is your kind DSD pretty sure she wouldn’t have lent such an expensive dress to a random 16yr old if you hadn’t been the go between so this is on you. You need to recompense her and then try get the money from your friend, how she deals with her own daughter’s responsibility for contributing is up to your friend. Don’t lend the prom dress and never put your DSD in this position again it is not your place to offer up her belongings OP what were you thinking! Your “friend” sounds very sly if she just dropped off the dress and rushed away, surely the least your friend would have done for such a big favour for her daughter, would have offered to get it cleaned after her wearing it to a party so she must be well aware of the state it’s in. Your friend is depending on your friendship for you not to make a fuss and let your DSD be hundreds of pounds out of pocket, she’s no friend.

KittenPause · 04/04/2025 02:42

DSD needs to get a replacement from OP friend or OP herself for being the middleman in all of this

someone needs to replace that dress

KittenPause · 04/04/2025 02:43

Asking DSD to lend her expensive dress to someone she doesn’t even know wasn’t really on in the first place @kidditsonyou

you will need to replace it if your friend doesn’t

KittenPause · 04/04/2025 02:50

Also how can you even consider lending the 16 year old another dress

that’s just insane

of course you will never ever lend these people another dress

you will demand they replace the dress as any normal person should do

and if they don’t you bloody well have to pay for it

KittenPause · 04/04/2025 02:51

and yes actually you very much are responsible for all of this @kidditsonyou

making your DSD lend out her dress to a complete stranger and a 16 year old at that

Whooowhooohoo · 04/04/2025 02:52

A good reminder that people who borrow things are people who don’t want to BUY things.
They usually will go to extremes to not replace item or even admit loss or damage. The reason they borrow is that they don’t want to spend ANY money.

needabiggerpatio · 04/04/2025 03:07

Someone (friend's daughter or you, OP) needs to give DSD what she paid for the dress. It's not enough to buy a replacement, but it's the best that can be done.

Obviously there will be no future lending of dresses to this girl. If that ruins your friendship with her mother, so be it. I wouldn't loan anything to anyone ever again, if I were your DSD. Certainly nothing of real value.

Lindtnotlint · 04/04/2025 03:09

Screw up all round really! You shouldn’t have pushed DSD; DSD shouldn’t have lent (too valuable and delicate); borrower definitely shouldn’t have damaged; friend shouldn’t have returned without acknowledging.

suggest saying to friend that this has been not great all round and you have realised you were wrong to push it in the first place, and that DSD shouldn’t have lent something so valuable. That you realise it’s not realistic for her DD to compensate DSD in full for what she paid as it was hundreds, but that you are really keen DSD doesn’t lose out too much and if she was able to make a contribution that would be really helpful.

needabiggerpatio · 04/04/2025 03:21

Oh, and when I say your friend's daughter should pay for it, what I really mean is that your friend should pay, as that's more realistic, probably. Or failing that, you should pay her. Someone has to. It's just wrong to expect your step-daughter to take the loss, though it would be good if this could teach her not to lend things out to people she doesn't know.

TheHerboriste · 04/04/2025 03:22

Phase2 · 03/04/2025 21:25

Actually I think this was on you and your daughter - if you are going to lend stuff worth 100s you need to ensure it fits and set some rules around this or just don’t lend them.

And teens don’t need to be sausaging themselves into beaded gowns. I bet it looked ridiculous.

Ownyourchoices · 04/04/2025 03:37

If the mother doesn't offer to pay once she knows how damaged the dress is then that is not a friend. End of.

Can't believe posters are trying to say its the DSD's fault. No wonder kids are so crap at taking responsibility - they learn it from their parents!

TheaBrandt1 · 04/04/2025 03:37

What is it with all the posts finding far fetched ways to excuse the damage and trying to make it the victims fault? Same in the lap
top one. Depressing as indicates how they would behave to wriggle out of doing the decent thing.

TheaBrandt1 · 04/04/2025 03:43

The attitudes make me want to say a hard no to anyone that wants to borrow anything I vaguely value. Buy your own. As pp said the type that borrows is more prone to be a selfish tightwad in the first place.

B1anche · 04/04/2025 04:25

kidditsonyou · 03/04/2025 22:15

I can agree with this point too, I do feel responsible.

DSD has a lot of dresses, lots a lot cheaper, I didn’t expect her to lend this one.
If i was there when the choosing and lending happened I would have heavily discouraged it or at least have forced her to try it on before taking it. DSD says she did make it clear how high value the dress was and push for her to try it on but she wouldn’t have been forceful.

If I left it on DSD now she would still lend the prom dress so I have to step in and stand up for her.

Show quote history

Oh come on, she's 22, not a child! You do not need to step in!

TheaBrandt1 · 04/04/2025 04:30

I kind of think she does as she engineered this fiasco in the first place. Might be a sad life lesson for the DSD who sounds lovely.

B1anche · 04/04/2025 04:35

TheaBrandt1 · 04/04/2025 04:30

I kind of think she does as she engineered this fiasco in the first place. Might be a sad life lesson for the DSD who sounds lovely.

Not sure if you're replying to me but I was talking about the prom dress which has not yet been lent. If the 22 SD year old is stupid enough to loan a second dress after the first was damaged then it is on her. OP needs to help sort out recouping the cost of the first because she engineered the loan but SD is old enough to stand up for herself.

LilacPony · 04/04/2025 04:49

I’d be so hopeful that the mum doesn’t realise the damage and didn’t know when she returned it. Or, she saw the damage but may have assumed it was lent like that? Long shot. Plus, does the mum realise the cost of the dress? Would she have allowed her daughter to wear it had she known the price? Would she assume that no one would lend a dress out of that amount to a 16 year old, so the cost of it didn’t even enter her mind? I’d be keeping this in mind when having a conversation about it. I think she needs to be told. I’d expect an apology. And you have to make it clear your daughter doesn’t want to lend again. But I really don’t know where you stand with getting any money for it. Feel like that depends on the mums reaction. If though they were aware of the damage/are very defensive about it, then that’s really sad and not a good friend.