To refuse to attend a child-free wedding because I think it’s selfish?

[ZingyJadePombear]

My cousin is getting married and has said it’s a child-free wedding. The problem is I have two young children and no family nearby to babysit. They’ve said it’s “non-negotiable.” I feel a bit hurt because it’s like they’re choosing their Pinterest-perfect day over family actually being there. I understand wanting a certain vibe but shouldn’t weddings be about loved ones more than aesthetics or rules? AIBU for thinking it’s selfish and considering not going?

I wouldn’t dream of letting my kids run riot during speeches or be disruptive

You might not, but you're in a minority these days.

Yanbu to not go. It's an invitation not a summons. Their choice to exclude children is reasonable but they have to accept that therefore some people with children won't be attending. It's not exactly "selfish" for them to choose their own way to celebrate their wedding - It's their day - but it's certainly reasonable to hear loud and clear the message of where you fit in their priorities.

People basically love to spend others money.

That one child can easily be a £50-£70 plate of food, that one child can easily become 10 children. Now that venue isn’t big enough or you need to pay to rent the bigger room. Now you need more favours, more centre pieces a bigger or more cakes.

We did the whole cheapo community centre buffet style give no fucks doors open come one come all and I still totally get people who want the fancy hotel weddings and wouldn’t want to be dropping 20k - 60k on screaming kids rampaging.

“It’s an invite not a summons” is brilliant 🤣

I would love to have attended a child free wedding when mine were small.

I’m not going to answer your poll because both options you’ve created are shite.

It’s perfectly fine to not attend a wedding because you don’t have childcare or because you’re not close enough to the couple for arranging childcare to be worthwhile. Make your own choice to attend or not for yourself based on what works for you and your family.

But they’re not selfish for having an adults-only occasion and declining the invite primarily as a way of passing judgement on them makes you a sanctimonious twat.

It’s not about the Pinterest though, is it? Having children at a wedding changes the vibe entirely and I think couples are within their rights to choose this.

Kids don’t ruin photos, but they can ruin an atmosphere. I doubt they’re concerned about the aesthetics of the kids being there.

@ZebedeeDougalFlorence in my experience, because people are now marrying in their mid to late 30s, there are A LOT more small children to accommodate. So yeah 30-40 years ago maybe child free weddings weren't so common. But your friendship circle and siblings etc were also much younger and unlikely to have kids so it was easier to include them.

Literally all my friends have kids.

DH and I married recently but didn't have a wedding. If we had, we would have seriously had to consider whether to go child free or not.

You say you wouldn’t dream of letting your kids run riot but it’s extraordinary the number of parents who say that but when it comes down to it, don’t want to have to leave when the couple are about to exchange their vows.

Are you a single parent?

Yeah you’re being totally unreasonable. You wouldn’t take your kids to work or a hospital appointment. It’s a child free wedding. Kids change them. Just decline and say why they won’t mind and will expect it.

We dont take our children to weddings- I don’t think it’s fair. It’s not a family day out. We’ve been to weddings with kids and they’ve ran about, spoken over speeches. I like kids - but a soft play or park is better for them- they should be able to be kids and make noise and run around - weddings aren’t this.

I don't understand why anyone would want bored children screeching, running around and attention-seeking and having to pay through the roof for their presence and for them to be fed. I also don't get why you would want to spend your day keeping an eye on them when it's the perfect opportunity to have some well-deserved child-free time, having some drinks and letting your hair down.

Surely if it were about any kind of app it would be Instagram rather than Pinterest anyway.

Most people would value friends over their cousins children (second cousins?) tbh

To be fair, I don't think it's about aesthetics and photos. Kids can honestly be an absolute pain at a wedding. I've been to several where children have cried their heads off or even screamed and run around during the actual ceremony and really who wants that? Certainly not the bride and groom nor most of the other guests. It can potentially spoil what is someone's ultimate special day. Then there's the reception where instead of having a good old laugh and chat with someone, they're bobbing up and down like a jack in the box sorting out little Johnny. Anyway, I don't see how it can be negotiable. If you allow one, you've got to allow all surely.

I highly doubt it’s for aesthetic reasons. We have children, and our wedding was no kids allowed. I didn’t want other children being loud etc at our wedding.

Our DC were always invited. We never took them!

They’ve said it’s non-negotiable. Clearly they don’t care enough about your attendance to want to move one this. So feel free to not go, I doubt they will be offended.

It's their day their choice. I ahd a child free wedding and so pleased we did. We've been to weddings with kids and sadly some parents are so damn idiotic they won't take their kids out when they start fussing, obviously this isn't everyone but even one is enough to ruin the couples vows etc

What flexibility were you wanting when it's a child free wedding?

Their wedding their choice. I had a largely child free wedding back in the 90s with a few exceptions. One of those exceptions shouted all through our vows. Still annoys me. It wasn't their fault.

Why is it selfish to want to have their wedding the way that they want it?

Why does your desire to be there with your kids in tow trump their vision for their wedding?

One could easily call you selfish for thinking your desires matter more than the people actually getting married...but you won't consider that, I bet.

It doesn’t sound like you have much choice if you can’t get a babysitter.

What sort of compromise do you think is possible in a situation like this? Your children either go or they don’t go, there is no in between.

I had some children at my wedding but if every cousin I have brought theirs it would have been 20 extra children, which would be too many and would have changed the day. Your cousin isn’t being selfish.

As for a paid babysitter - I’ve looked into it but with no family nearby and the overnight issue, it’s not just a simple fix.

Just send a polite excuse - “so sorry, I cannot attend as I don’t have anyone to look after DC - as you’ll understand, family options on that day aren’t available! Hope you have a wonderful day.” And just leave it at that. They aren’t unreasonable to want a child free day but you aren’t unreasonable not to go.

I didn't have kids at my wedding, nothing to do with photographs it was because of numbers, we had a budget to stick to and adding kids would've meant not being able to invite friends and family who we saw more often.

My best friend got married 3 months before us and the ceremony was spoilt by two kids screaming and playing up, their parents did eventually take them outside but you could still clearly hear them, it took away any guilt I had about having a child free wedding.

And yet here you are making their wedding all about you.